World War III
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
World War Three is stupid.
World War Three started on December 29th, 2039 when the German Empire marched on Paris. World War Three ended on March 32nd, 2045 when the Treaty of New Delhi was signed somewhere in Asia. As the name specifies, World War Three was fought mainly on the Internet, with battles such as the Battle of the Alamo.org, Little Big Medium X-Large Horn, Little Big Horn II, Big Little Big Horn, Horny Big Little, and The Battle of SOMETHING AWFUL DOT COM.
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Precursor to the War
There was much tension in Europe prior to World War III. Most of it was from Germany, who in the years before the world put into action the New New World Order. The basic point of this Order was to launch an interstellar space program with recruits ranging from groups such as Jews, Gypsies, Jews, and Jews. The program was criticized when it was found that most of the spaceships used for take offs had not landing gear for the return trip, and the autopilot had mysteriously been programmed to fly directly into the sun. In 2038, Germany’s Prime Minister, Autobahn Van Mercedes Benz S500 announced that the error in the autopilot had been caused by two teams of scientists working with different units. Later that year, he died on a spacecraft when it crashed on the dark side of Mars due to the same mistake.
The War Begins
In 2039, Germany sent 35 troops into France, which immediately surrendered its capital, Paris. Soon thereafter, Poland got jealous and overthrew its government. In India, the Prime Minister declared he would fast until Germany withdrew its “Large presence in the sovereign state of France.” Unfortunately, in Hindi, or whatever the fuck they speak over there, the word for “sovereign” and “incredibly large pussy” is the same, so it was unclear what was actually meant. He died three days later of food poisoning.
Soon after Poland overthrew its government and joined the German Empire, a battalion of 14 year old Germans hacked into numerous websites and stole almost every single “.us” domain, except a few such as “deli.co.us” and “elvislives.us.”
After this act, The United States of America, in the “Coalition of the Somewhat Wanting” declared war on the German Empire, Japan, and gay people. The COTSOW consisted of The Untied States, Puerto Rico, New Mexico, Mexico, Canada, Zimbabwe, Madagascar, Iraq and Afghanistan. For the first time in approximately 2 years, the draft was reinstated, this time calling for people between the ages of 13-17 who had some knowledge of how to use a computer. The draft was a total failure, as only 4% of the draftees showed up.
One week after the draft failed, The German Empire scored a victory by capturing a large portion of the .com domains. Some estimates were up to 20% of the domains, while others said as many as 40% were captured. However, this was a double edged sword for the Germans, as one of the domains they stole was Myspace.com. The next day, 94% of the United States draftees showed up because “they had nothing better to do.”
The Middle Years
Over the next few years, the war over the .com domains waged on. The United States planted viruses in different websites that were used as bait—mainly because nobody in their right minds gave a shit about them. Of these include The Best Page in the Universe which had won The Worst Page in the Known Galaxy for 32 years running. In 2042, the New York Times published a story regarding the atrocities being committed towards Jews in the German Empire.
Jewish Atrocities
Since 2040, The German Empire had been using Jews to comb through Myspace in order to find American spies in Germany. What wasn’t known to the American public at the time was the fact that the American Government, prior to losing Myspace, changed all the backgrounds to scroll with the person and only put Fall Out Boy songs on all the pages. Ironically, this only required changing around 5 Myspace pages, as the rest already had these.
The first deaths in the war occurred in 2041, when 12 Jews drank poisoned Kool-Aid after staring at shitty backgrounds and listening to two Fall Out Boy songs for the past year.
After the Middle Years, but before the End Years (Closer to the Middle though)
Japan finally decided to take heed of the actions which America had taken against them. Sometime in 2042, America had taken down all of the World Of Warcraft: 5 Servers, which caused a huge outcry in Japan. Emo Japanese Teens formed a rogue internet hacking group which got back all of the World of Warcraft servers. Due to the increased stress of hacking American websites and playing World of Warcraft 20 hours a day, 5 Japanese teens died of malnutrition in early 2043. When the 6th died the next month, Japan surrendered to American forces and sent American businessmen an early release of PS5 as a gesture of good will.
The Great Yam Famine of 2044
YAMS (There was only enough to put one on this page)
The Final Years
In 2044, American guild --=---=~DEMOCRACY4ALL~=--=-- finally defeated the -=+VOLKSWAGEN+=- guild on a Battlefield 3 server, scoring a huge victory for the American internet forces. The game was played best 3 out of 5, and one game was thrown out when German forces accused the American forces of wallhacking, to which American forces replied that the Germans were “gay fagz that need 2 suck some cock.”
The last battle of World War III was fought in a Counterstrike 4 server in which the most famous line “Don’t shoot until you see the pixels in their eyes” was uttered by lead commander “--=~D4ALL~=--JoeBob.” At first, it seemed German forces were winning, until an American agent snuck behind enemy lines and base camped them, yelling over and over, “I’M IN UR BASE KILLING UR D00DS!”
The Aftermath
The Treaty of New Delhi started with the phrase, “In the history of man, few times has war caused man to say, ‘Install Linux, Problem Solved.’” Germany was ordered to leave France, and pay reparations to the United States Government. Plans in late 2045 were set for a greyhound bus to take all 35 German troops back to Germany, while the new German Government sent 200,000 copies of Nero Burning Rom to the United States as reparations.
What about the Jews?
Because of the atrocities carried out towards the Jews which caused twelve to kill themselves, the UN decided to give all Jews in Germany the entire continent of Asia, with parts of Africa and Australia. This new land was called Israel 2.0.
You forgot Poland!
No, I didn’t. Nobody cares about Poland.
The Remainder caused from Long Division in the Aftermath
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