Windows Genuine Advantage
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
Windows Genuine Advantage is stupid.
The Windows Genuine Advantage Validation Tool is a copy-protection scheme for Microsoft Windows operating systems designed to simulate Nazi Germany on your pc.
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Development
In 1984, Microsoft discovered that people were using Windows on their computers without paying U.S. government contract prices. Knowing full well that Windows, replete with nauseatingly exciting features such as 'Minesweeper' and 'Solitaire' was only worth $29, executives at Microsoft could be sure that the number of pirated Windows copies would swell to vomitously titanic proportions. In an attempt to protect their rights as extortionists, Microsoft put to work an infinite number of retards with an infinite number of crayons to produce the world's most annoying copy-protection scheme. It's code is based upon early versions of the Microsoft installer, which promptly crashed during any installation performed when the constellation Speculum was not in coincidence with Virgo on the third floor of the Chrysler Building.
How it Works
The user is prompted to download and install the WGA Tool during an update. Once it is run, it demands information in a threatening manner. They are then to enter their name, date of birth, lung capacity, thermal index, and the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow into their Little Orphan Hanna secret decoder ring. Once this is accomplished, they are to hold the ring up to their forehead, where it will tattoo their super-secret serial number. Using a complex array of mirrors, copy the number into the field provided on-screen. Once this information is submitted, it is posted to a secret database aboard the MIR satellite, which will then photograph you taking a dump and post it to an advertised page on Myspace. Afterwards, the user will see a screen saying, "Validation failed. Sign me up for animal porn?" [Yes] [Absolutely] This is perfectly normal.
Advantages
After validating a copy of Windows, it allows the user to download new system exploits, as well as excrutiatingly extraneous software such as 'Super-Breakout III: Auschwitz Edition' and the 'Dr. Mengele' screensaver by Norman Rockwell.
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Failure to Comply
In the event that a Windows user fails to comply with validation guidelines, the Gestapo will immediately come to their home for a cursory 'visit', demanding to see their 'papers'. This is almost as painful as using the validation tool itself. The offending user is generally humiliated with a turkey baster, and his/her belongings violated.
Earlier Versions
Sometime before 1975, Microsoft tried unsuccessfully to produce a viable validation scheme. This version entailed genital-scan matching, but resulted in poor performance and an increase in overtime claims by employees at Microsoft.
