War
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
War is stupid.
Unfortunately there are a lot of stupid people in the world and they regularly engage in war, even against those who don't want to fight! This is done mainly for one of three reasons. 1) They like where you live/what you possess and they want to own it and you are inconveniently in their way. 2) They disagree with your style of government and want to prove to you that theirs is superior. 3) They cannot tolerate your constant blasphemy because you do not worship their God and believe that you must die for your heresy.
I know! I know what you must be thinking right now. "You mean people will actually take up arms and try and kill you for monetary, idealogical or religious reasons, even when you go out of your way not to pick a fight with them? This cannot be so!" Yes, gentle readers, this shocking, horrifying statement is factual!
Take a moment to pick your jaw up off the floor.
Contents |
Background
Monkeys Will Fight
War started sometime before 1975 with the advent of weapons. It seems that the highly developed monkeys that make up the sentient population of Earth discovered that having a big stick was preferable to simply beating someone with the most readily available weapon, the fist. The fist was effective, if you were bigger or faster, but in direct hand-to-hand combat, it was impractical because it only dealt 1d4 crushing damage. Thus, the first weapon, the big stick, was born (with an impressive 1d6 crushing damage). Over time, as the braincases grew larger, the ideas grew brighter. Sharpen the stick and it penetrates your opponents' flesh easier, inflicting 2d6 piercing damage. Put a sharpened stone on the end of the stick and you have the spear, which can be thrown inflicting 2d6 ranged piercing damage. Make the spear smaller and you have the arrow, which, when propelled by the bow, enables you to deal out 1d8 damage and kill at a great distance. A convenient side effect of killing, it was noted, was that whatever the dead monkey owned was now yours.
Gunpowder Revolutionizes War
The Chinese invented gunpowder but didn't really know it. They were too busy perfecting pretty fireworks to notice that this stuff could actually kill people very efficiently. It was discovered that not only could it blow people up, but that it propelled metal projectiles at a very fast rate, inflicting 10d6 damage and when these projectiles were directed at someone who had a really nice house, would cause that same someone to go away permanently, leaving the house for you! The problem inherent in this was that people with nice houses began to get guns themselves, and well, you can see where this is going.
Adolf Hitler Brings It
In 1942 Adolf Hitler invaded Europe, after inventing the most intriguing weapons ever conceived. He invented tanks, airplanes, machine guns and floating Patrick Duffy heads of doom, and used them to bring every country in Europe under his domination (except England, but they are too cool to be associated with Europe). Europe was stunned. Since Jews, then (as now) were in control of all the money in Europe (and everywhere else), Hitler had the presence of mind to realize that if the Jews would all just be made to go away then all the money in the world would be his. So, he began to kill them off. He managed to get through about six million of them before he was thwarted by the United States of America, which had been sneakily copying Hitler's inventions and building up an army of its own because it didn't really like the idea of Hitler controlling the whole world. I mean, Europe was one thing, but come ON! Hitler had promised not to attack Russia but when he went back on that promise and formed an alliance with the Japanese who had bombed the holy living dogshit out of Hawaii, America felt that Hitler was simply no longer to be trusted. For some inscrutable reason America thought that the whole Jew genocide thing was also, you know, Not nice.
America Has a Problem
So America doesn't like all this Jew-killing. America also likes not being under fascist rule. America does NOT like the idea of going to war. You see, when a country decides to go to war, people inevitably have to die, and Americans just find that whole idea distasteful. What to do? In the end, Americans decide that dead Europeans and dead Japanese are preferable to all Jews being killed and America being annexed by Germany, in one of the most heart-wrenching decisions ever made. And it cost America the lives of nearly half a million of its citizens, and nearly twenty million people worldwide.
America Protects Its Investment And Creates All Modern Wars
Since Hitler began World War II, lots of other small wars have happened because both communist countries and capitalist countries were involved in bringing down Hitler. But since communism has been proven to be stupid, all those types of wars have ceased and a global economy has sprouted based on the ideas of capitalism. The United Nations gave Jews their own country which they called Isreal, and America set about to arming the new Jewish state so that no one could ever try and wipe it out again. They did this less because they just really like Jews, and more because they just really didn't want to have to go to war again like they did in 1942. Unfortunately for America, everyone else on the planet really hates Jews, so this preferential treatment has been found to be highly annoying by just about everybody except Americans and Jews, and every modern conflict that is currently going on is a side-effect of this one problem. America, therefore, seems to be unable to win for losing, and now we have brown people worldwide chomping at the bit to fly airplanes into buildings, the latest development in monkey warfare.
