Wal-Mart
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
Wal-Mart is stupid.
Wal-Mart is a company from Arkansas that was created sometime before 1975 by a man named Sam Walton. Its purpose is to undercut the domestic economy of the United States by only buying cheap foreign shit to sell in their stores. Some speculate that Walton (a good example of an asshat-sociopath) was actually the anti-christ, as Wal-Mart is the worst plague that has ever been unleashed upon the Earth and current store policy explicitly promotes the apocalypse. Also, Arkansas is well known as the 5th level of hell.
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Customer Base
Generally, the average patron of Wal-Mart is a lower class inbred sociopath with an intelligence level comparable to that of a hamster with downs syndrome. Which, incidentally, is slightly more intelligent than the average Wal-Mart employee. Included in this class of people are Indians, Mexicans, white trash, toothless hillbillies and anyone else who supports the Chinese government taking over the world or can otherwise be labeled an asshat-sociopath. Scienticians have established a new genus from humanity and subsequently classified this group of “people” as “Wal-Martians.” This was because it had been found that most patrons are either illegal aliens, or simply look and act as though they are not from Earth.
These people will flock to the nearest Wal-Mart as often as possible. Filling cart-fulls of shitty junk they do not need and cannot afford, the shoppers will wander aimlessly through the vast cavernous interior of the store. While wandering, these people take on a whimsical air, similar to that of a 4 year old in Disney Land. Speculation is still on going about why this attitude is felt so broadly through the customer base.
To accommodate the widest range of degenerates possible, nearly all Wal-Marts are open 24 hours a day. Most slave labor jobs Wal-Martians have are at night, as they are afraid of natural light.
Products
Wal-Mart is essentially the largest embodiment of the collective global corporate whore. And as such, they will sell anything if the price is right. Basically this means anything that can be purchased anywhere else, but of far poorer quality and design. Since the cheapest things come from the 3rd world and China, this is where most of Wal-Mart’s products come from. Costs are able to be kept down due to the lax labor and environmental laws in these parts of the world. Child labor is cheap, governments are oppressive and crooked (more-so) and the general populations of these places are even more apathetic, ignorant and oppressed than in the United States.
Since China has the biggest army of any oppressive government and the largest child workforce, they are able to export the most cheap shit to Wal-Mart. In fact, if you were to lift up any Wal-Mart building, on the bottom would be the words “Made in China” in large 20 foot high letters. This would be found next to the bio-hazard placard and the “contact physician if any part of this store is ingested” warning.
Wal-Mart is also known for putting other, smaller corporate whore stores inside of them. Usually they are Subway “restaurants” or Starbucks coffee places. These extra amenities help to keep the dolts shopping longer by keeping them fed and awake. Banks are now starting to appear near check out counters so that if a customer runs out of money they can get a 10th mortgage on their trailer right there in the store and continue shopping. Barber shops and Lens-Crafter type stores are also becoming common due to some shoppers spending so much time in-store that they start aging and require hair cuts and glasses.
Market Strategy
Wal-Mart has done a fantastic job marketing to their clientele. It is well understood that idiots believe anything they see on television. This store was the first to implement the ‘we are cheaper and therefore better than any other store’ method of advertising. Regardless that the store has been proven on numerous occasions to not have the best quality, nor even the cheapest prices, the TV says so and that’s all there is to it. In fact, television proved to be so successful in peddling shitty products, all Wal-Mart stores were fitted with numerous TV sets inside. These blare hypnotic encouragement to squander money and are usually mounted out of reach just below the ceiling to keep anyone from trying to change the channel to watch NASCAR. In addition to this, it also became store policy to pile huge mounds of their cheapest, most crappy products in the middle of aisles, so that customers would have to put some of it in their cart to make room to get by.
Corporate Iconography
For years a whistling, floating, corporeal yellow smiley faced figurehead was invoked in commercials. Usually shown zipping around customers and forcing lower prices on merchandise, it played to the customer base three-fold.
First of all, it played on their superstitious beliefs. Most Wal-Martians are ardent church-goers and therefore ignorant and superstitious. Starting a rumor that the disembodied smiley face was the returned ghost of Sam Walton motivated people to patronize the store and bear offerings of food stamps, because they did not want the creature to come to their home and start knocking things over.
Secondly, it is well known that people will do anything for a simplistic icon. History is littered with examples of this (crosses, flags, D-cup tits, etc) and the yellow disembodied smiley was one of the most prominent icons of the 1975 era. It is feared that if this advertising tool were shown overthrowing a government, millions of Wal-Martians would take up torches and pitchforks and march on the nearest government building.
Thirdly, the icon whistles a hypnotic tune which subliminally encourages people to spend their paycheck every two weeks.
Wal-Mart’s Work Environment
Only the mentally ill are capable of working long-term inside these stores without succumbing to the constant bombardment of indoor subliminal advertising. During employment research this usually occurred in the form of either wandering away from their post to fill up shopping carts or by simply committing suicide on the spot. Old people are also a viable alternative, because they cannot hear the advertising. But to be on the safe side, they are generally kept in the entryways or warehouse areas.
Typically, there are several dozen cretins, or retards, on the “floor” at a time. These cretins perform the manual tasks of stacking things in aisles, miscounting change at the registers or randomly running over shoppers with a floor buffer (to encourage them to keep moving and be exposed to more of the store.) Above the worker cretins are usually some sort of large, oafish troll type of thing referred to as a “manager” or “shift manager.” They wander randomly between working groups of cretins, barking orders and whipping the lazy. The cornerstone of their power is a large ring of keys that they may use to jangle in front of a disgruntled retard to calm them down. Certain keys are also used to enable the mathematical functions of cash registers when the brains of the cretins start to overheat. (Wal-Mart keeps them disabled as default, to save money on electricity. Not because they are environmentally conscious, but because they are really tight-assed.)
Above management lies upper-management, the positions which women and foreigners are forbidden to attain. These workers are the most similar to people, partially due to the fact that they rarely ever go inside the stores that they run.
Nearly all members of any level of management suffer severe forms of megalomania and should be approached with caution. It is not recommended to attempt communication with any of the cretins either. Incapable of human speech, these wretches are unpredictable and may try to communicate with anything from grunting and pointing to violent physical contact to hurling feces.
Wal-Mart has a strict equal opportunity discrimination policy. To keep morale up, they institute an employee of the month program. The head of the lucky chosen employee is severed and mounted on a plaque which is then prominently displayed in the employee lounge. Despite this gracious policy, sometimes cretins try to form unions or have arguments with management over wage policies. Arbitrators are quickly sent in to initiate conflict resolution and maintain the status quo.
Environmental Stewardship
Wal-Mart hates the environment. Since its upper management mostly consists of greedy thugs, they have no problem paving over wetlands for new parking space and stores. In keeping with the ways of the anti-christ, a policy of the expansion and furthering of the coming apocalypse has been strictly adhered to, thusly helping their business model of conquering everything. Naturally this means they are pro global warming and obviously the most prominent supporter of consumerism. Smokey the Bear, Woodsy the Owl and that one crying Indian guy were all assassinated because they were in opposition to their policies.
History
Before 1975
Sam Walton originally saw that he could make money by importing cheap shitty plastic beads from China to sell to the Indians, thusly undercutting local bead makers and putting them out of business. This proved to be an extremely successful business strategy. After doing so well with beads, Sam began expanding from the 5th level of hell, sometimes referred to as Arkansas. Wal-Mart started importing plague blankets which he could sell to the United States military, who in turn jacked up the prices and then sold them to the Indians.
By about 1975, Wal-Mart was nearly in every state in the US and in many other foreign countries. It was now capable of doling out shitty merchandise in bulk. A far cry from the simple bead and plague blanket salesmen of before 1975, Wal-Mart now offered many more poorly made things imported from various child labor sweat shops around the world. It was about this time that Sam’s Club was created; Wal-Mart was so successful with bulk sales that it needed to start this whole new store.
Sam’s Club was a way to make the trailer trash feel like they were elite socialites, because shopping there requires a membership. And one of the base rules of salesmanship is that if you make the customer feel like a rich stuck up prick, they will spend more money. This proved to be incredibly successful. Nobody had predicted the market for 55 gallon drums of dill pickles or miracle whip and huge pallets of wood-chip toilet paper would be so well received by the Wal-Martians.
This also was about the time many other imitators came into the arena, including K-Mart, Target, Pamida and all the even cheaper and shittier dollar stores. These stores started to fill up the tiny gaps left in Wal-Mart’s enormous stranglehold. To countermand this flux in the market, Wal-Mart joined up with the Jews to keep themselves on top.
Presently
In 1984, Wal-Mart started its policy of replacing all of their stores with larger ones (up to 10 times bigger) about 100 yards from current locations. There are now Wal-Marts on every continent, including Antarctica. 238 countries have at least one within their borders. Last year, astronauts starting ferrying modules into space so that people aboard the International Space Station can have access to cheap plastic shit.
The Future
In The Future, Wal-Mart will serve one good purpose as being a wide-spread distributor of weapons and ammunition for the wars with the undead that will happen shortly before the actual apocalypse. This will allow just enough employees and Wal-Martians to survive the wave of zombies to keep revenue up and continue building stores after the zombies are defeated. Wal-Mart will then take over the world, and dump huge amounts of funding into space exploration so that it may start building stores on other planets and eventually turn the entire universe into one giant Wal-Mart store.
