United States of America
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
The United States of America is stupid.
The United States of America was founded by Amerigo Vespucci sometime before 1975. It is bordered on the North by the French Republic of Canada and on the South by the People's Republic of Mexico.
Contents |
History
Puritans Flee Persecution and Convert the Damned
Dearly looking for a way to escape the religious oppression of English Queen Mary I (coloquially known as "Bloody Mary"), English Puritans moved to what was then known as the New World (not to be confused with the New World Order, an evil pact between the Masons, Illuminati and the Jews). Upon the Puritans arrival in the New World, they began setting up a religious system of their own in order to persecute anyone that didn't believe in their style of worship and immediately began converting all the godless savages into alcoholic casino owners.
The Declaration of Independence
Sometime before 1975 George Washington and his band of merry men wrote the Declaration of Independence, in large part because King George III had taxed all the tea in Boston without giving Boston a voice in the British Parliament. George immediately acquiesced and the United States was well on its way to becoming the worlds most feared superpower.
The Constitution and Bill of Rights
The Constitution and Bill of Rights were written in order to give a structure to the worlds first Federal Republic, laying the groundwork for taxation and wealth redistrubution that would be required to build the Internet and subsidize corn harvests. Libertarians argue that these documents actually say exactly the opposite, but that's because they are all a bunch of asshat sociopaths.
What is little known about the Constitution was that it was actually written on the back of a receipt for a whore that George Washington had ordered the night before. He was going to write it off his tax return, but decided instead that he would rather have the right to bear arms and just force the bitches to sleep with him.
Major Wars
America loves it some motherfuckin' war. Americans love nothing more than sending off their children to kill and be killed. America's bloodlust knows no bounds, and there is no cause that it will not take up, no opportunity for gunplay that it would pass up. These were just the kickers.
WWI
The "war to end all wars." (Germany loses). America thought it was so cool it got a sequel.
WWII
THIS TIME IT'S PERSONAL. (Germany loses again).
War on Terror
Currently being waged on Towelheads.
Why America is Full of Paranoid Gun Toting Homophobes Who Love Violence
America knows that the only thing people like better than a success story is watching someone successful turn to drugs, ruin their life and end up naked and babbling in the street with no front teeth. America figures the world is waiting for its downfall and is going to savor every minute of it when it happens. This makes America paranoid. Americans tote guns because they are paranoid. Americans are all homophobes (except for most of the gay ones) because they've been repressed their whole lives by a system set in place by the first Puritan settlers to arrive here. Americans love violence because they're allowed to watch it on TV. If only they were allowed to watch boobies on TV instead, the world might be a different place.
Economy
The economy of the United States is composed of a diverse variety of products and services. With a GNP of over 1.62e19 Turkish Lira yearly. Products range from American Cheese (also known as Government Cheese) to Trucks and Guns. The ministry of production specifies over 8 different products for consumption domestically and export.
