Torture

From Encyclopedia Of Stupid

Torture is stupid

My, what a beautiful array of torture devices you have. The better to hurt you with.

Torture can mean a few different things depending on who you are. If you're rich then torture is being around poor people. If you're poor then torture is when the American Government steals you in the middle of the night and ships you off to live in a cage and then puts things into your pee hole.

Torture as an act

Torture most often refers to the act of somebody doing things to you that you really rather wish they wouldn't. These things hurt a lot, and they make you tell secrets that you promised you never would. If you run out of secrets then you start making stuff up, because maybe it will convince them to get that horse's dick out of you. Torture is usually done before you run out of things to make up, and are killed. The death phase of torture really makes it so there is no good reason to be tortured. Sometimes torture can be consenting, such as going to the dentist. This torture is bearable because you don't die afterward, and can actually get back at your torturer passive-aggressively by eating a lot of candy. But in general torture should be avoided at all costs.

Types of torture

There are several types of torture currently recognized by the International Torture & Party Planning Committee. You can read about them in more detail in their 4th edition of "Torture in the 21st Century: The Citizens Guide to Knowing Your Place and Looking the Other Way."

Pain

The most classical way to torture somebody is through pain. You can just hit them with objects or your fists, knock them around, and basically make them cry and wish that they hadn't bet $10,000 on a rigged game. It's best to mix up the pain a bit. Your first instinct may be to go straight for the testicles or the teeth, but work your way up to it. Start with a little cutting on the legs, move on to some hot pokers on the buttocks, and then you're ready move to the electrical wires hooked up to a car battery clamped to the testicles. This way your victim gets to experience a full range of pain, sort of like an inclusive pain spa. If you're the one getting tortured, try to convince them to skip right to the balls, as then everything after that seems pale in comparison.

Psychological

Psychological torture is for sick fucks who have problems masturbating to normal porn. They want to see you squirm and cry and beg. They may say they've already killed your family or do a plethora of degrading things, such as keep you naked and make you eat cauliflower. They may keep you awake for several days, and not feed you. They may play loud music, or tell you that they're going to hit you. If you hold up well to psychological torture, then you'll probably just get the regular torture. Nobody likes a smart ass.

Sexual

Some people like pain and get off on this. They like to dress up in skimpy leather outfits and hit each other with whips and shit in some creepy dungeon. This type of torture is done with a safe word. A safe word is something that you could say to get the other person to stop. I make my safe word like I make my passwords, a bunch of random characters. I have a hard time remembering both, which is why I can't check my e-mail and I am missing a nipple.

Jesus was against torture. He was rewarded for his stance by being tortured to death.

Pussies Against Torture

Some people get all bitchy and whiny when the subject of torture comes up. They don't recognize it as a valid form of punishment or a way to relieve boredom, and spend their time trying to pass laws against it.

The Geneva Convention

After that Nazis pissed everybody off there was some stupid meeting in France where a bunch of hippies went and made rules that made war suck. Nobody actually follows these rules, it's just a way to make people think that we're good guys, but as soon as we need to do something we just ignore the rules. I play scrabble this way, which is why I always win with Triple Word Score on QUEJXZY.

All Hippies Everywhere

When not busy fishing for tofu or avoiding showers, hippies gather in large crowds called "swarms" to buzz about torture. I think they're against it, but it's hard to pay attention.

John McCain

John McCain is against torture because he got tortured. But he's only against torture unless he's running for President, then he's fine with it, as long as you believe in torture and are thinking about voting for him. If you're not, then he's still against it.