Tenure

From Encyclopedia Of Stupid

This guy has tenure.

Tenure is the moment at which teachers stop educating and start flirting with insanity. Once a teacher is granted tenure at his/her/its university, firing (or even disciplinary action) becomes a virtual impossibility. Tenured teachers have permission from the institution to lie, cheat, steal, drive drunk on campus, and flunk anyone who dares disagree with their wacky liberal views. All those teacher/student porno sites you look at when your girlfriend is asleep are shot with tenured professors, which is why they have no problem showing their faces.

The word tenure is derived from the Latin tenere, meaning "to hold". Appropriately, tenured staff tend to metaphorically hold the testicles of the university in their hands, squeezing at will.

No, honey, you can't cheer for your students until AFTER you're tenured.

Famous tenured professors

• Ward Churchill - Phony Native American professor at the University of Colorado who said those in the Twin Towers deserved to die on 9/11, yet suddenly misplaced his testicles when he had to confront the families of those killed. A complete chickenshit and sack of lying monkey spunk, he still teaches his Flag Burning 101 class at UC.
• Kamau Kambon - Paranoid professor of Africana Studies at North Carolina State University demanded the extermination of all white people after Hurricane Katrina. Current Guinness world record holder for having gone 59 years without washing or combing his hair.
• Leonard Jeffries - Batshit crazy CCNY professor who is better suited for sweeping up after kids rather than lecturing them, Jeffries calls whites "ice people" and blacks "sun people" and claims that blacks are superior to white due to their higher melanin levels. He has yet to explain how that translates to any area other than playing of basketball and consumption of watermelon.
• Jacques Pluss - Professor was fired when it was discovered he was a freaking Nazi. He lost his spot at Farleigh Dickinson University, but since nobody has ever heard of this college, who the hell cares?
• Barry Dank - Professor from Cal State Long Beach actually sued the school to allow him to fuck his students. And he's still there. Do not let your daughter near this man.
• William Ayers and Bernardine Dorhn - Founders of the Weathermen, a group of overprivileged hippies who bombed the Pentagon in the 1970s. The two remain unrepentant about their terrorist past. No decent American would hire them, so they became tenured professors at the University of Illinois and Northwestern Law School, respectively. To maintain their commitment to harboring America-hating terrorists, the U of I is planning to grant tenure to Osama bin Laden this spring.
• Bob Logan - Economics professor at the University of Alaska - Fairbanks was arrested for flying bootlegged liquor and marijuana into Barrow, AK. When caught, he claimed he was engaged in an economic research project, proving that you do not have to be smart, or even sane, to become tenured.