Television
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
Television is stupid
Television, as most people will know, is actually the centre of the Universe. In a recent poll, 83.9% of people said that if they could take one thing to a desert island it would be a television. Great idea, Einstein! Too bad there would be nowhere to fucking plug it in, genius! They wouldn’t get a good reception there anyway and anybody idiotic enough to take a TV when they could have a hot babe or something almost as good deserves to get the brain cancer caused by the idiot-box. Or become a Goth. It's the same basic principle.
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What's On?
Seriously overweight? Illiterate? Too fucking lazy to get up off your fat ass and experience the real world? Great! Sit down, grab some grub and start mashing the remote!
Documentaries
Television is plagued with documentaries that are dull, monotonous and filled with scene upon scene of unbelievably ugly drones. They have no actual meaning and the only reason you will watch one of them is to justify the misconception that you have a better life than these people. The program titles include such things as: ‘The boy who was born with a chinchilla on his face’; ‘Oh my God! - My penis fell off!!!!11oneone’ and ‘When cows attacked my son’. It all boils down to a 'traumatised' family of 17 looking for the fast way out of the pits, all the while sobbing and moaning like that girl you brought home that complained all the way through it when all you wanted was some action for crying out loud. I TOOK YOU TO SEE A NICE FILM, WHAT THE FUCK MORE DO YOU WANT?!?
Soap Operas
Your average hick has been to an opera the same amount of times they have used soap... not once. Those unfortunate enough to watch any part of a soap opera will be able to physically feel their IQ points falling away. Soap operas though have the same basic plot: somebody dies, his wife is grieving and her ugly homosexual brother is having sex with his corpse, or something like that. Plots will be unbearably stretched over a series of episodes until suddenly everyone will forget it ever happened and move on to a new melodrama. Of course, that's how life works. It's still shit though.
Talk Shows
Aforementioned imbeciles shouting, swearing and getting more than a little irritated, demonstrated through the mediums of chair-throwing and attempted violence on burly security men. This is down to the Godfather of conversation, Jerry Springer, upon whose show Al Gore power-slammed and consequently leg-dropped Ann Coulter to begin the age of talk show aggression in 1984. Talk shows have largely been blamed for the moral decline in the West and the rapid emergence of the ultra-offensive attitude of today's youth. Of course this isn't important, because 'Dat brother did damn take my woman, and I ain't not gonna take dat! Aight? Fresh.'
Reality Television Programmes
FAKE! The people who go on these programmes have serious problems like they are having a sex change, have recently had a sex change, or maybe they have Tourettes or another disease that makes them swear randomly on T.V. People get even more excited when you toss the word 'celebrity' in front of a concept, as it means some D-list nobodies will participate rather than ordinary nobodies. Examples of winning formulas include:
- Big Brother - The current reality show king, involving locking a dozen or so criminally insane dolts into a house and seeing them repeatedly humiliated in the hope of some form of recognition in their dull lives. Unfortunately the show was a disaster in China, as four million people were crammed into a two-bedroom flat, killing all except two of them. These remaining two were then voted out for not having sex there and then.
- Fit Club - A British show which involves fat bastards on their couches at home watching other fat bastards try to lose weight. The irony is buried under rolls of flab.
- Organ Swap - Ten people all agree to trade various organs. The catch is that some of the organs are cancerous. Surgery is performed by a team of Howler monkeys. It'll be around soon enough.
Remember to add 'Celebrity' after half a dozen series to keep the concept fresh and 'relevant'.
Suggestions
Go outside and do something? Engage with loved ones? Experience the rich tapestry that is the world around us? Friends, there is so much beauty and creativity around us - we must not deprive ourselves of what nature has to offer! Who knows what tomorrow will bring, and it is up to us to be productive with the time that has been given to us. The very knowledge that we could soon shuffle off this mortal coil should fill our souls with a wish to embrace with open arms all that life can teach us, so that we might develop ourselves and each other in a united society of love and harmony. The time has come to destroy and cast aside the television forever, so that we might be released into the path of true happiness! The time has come! THIS IS OUR DESTINY! THIS IS OUR FUTURE!
Fuck this, 'Lost' is on.
