Tattoo
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
A tattoo is the permanent defacement of one's body for the purpose of impressing strangers. The practice was once reserved for outlaws, skinheads, Hell's Angels and sailors. Now, getting a tattoo makes you no more badass than a teenage girl whose lower-back flower has truly disappointed her mommy. While sane people may choose to spend $12.50 on a t-shirt with a humorous or poignant slogan, the more insecure and less rational among us choose to etch said message into their dermal layer for eternity. If a funny t-shirt is a cry for attention, then a tattoo is a 2-hour conversation with a suicide hotline.
Contents |
What is a tattoo?
A tattoo is a design or picture or phrase or cartoon or some other idiotic representation of a childish idea that is indelibly written on the skin of the wearer. It is created by a tattoo artist, usually an illiterate ex-con or a drunken illegal Mexican immigrant, by jabbing a needle over and over into the skin and injecting ink. Tattoos often come with bonuses, such as rashes, skin infections, hepatitis-C and AIDS, but if you're a man, you won't let that stop you from getting that happy-faced dolphin engraved on your buttcheek!
Popularity
Tattoos are all dope and happenin' with the kids right now, but that's because their cerebrums have not fully developed and they have yet to grow the part of the brain that lets them know that tattoos are PERMANENT. As a result, teenage numbskulls are walking around with Audioslave tattooed on their forearms, because they can't see past next month when Audioslave will be nothing more than a "Where Are They Now?" segment on VH-1. They also don't realize that one day, mommy will kick them out of the basement and the only place that will hire people whose arms are covered in pictures of topless mermaids is a seedy adult bookstore or Starbucks.
| Moment of Reality |
|---|
| For those of you out there who are still working to obtain a high school diploma, yet are considering mutilating your bicep to show your undying affection for the latest hip-hop act, you need to know that your band sucks and your favorite musical act will not be popular for more than three years, tops. Even if they somehow are, you will hate them and their music by age 30. Trust us on this. Still don't get it? Think about how embarassed you'd be if your mother had Sonny and Cher tattooed on her ass. Do the right thing. |
But hell, these young whippersnappers don't know their collective asses from a hole in the ground. Regardless, there are plenty of adults (i.e. those who should bloody well know better) who are doing the same damned thing. For some reason, housewives and suburban accountants are making their way to the po' side of town to allow a doped up fat ass who hasn't bathed in a week the privilege of marring their skin. Some of these people are repressed and seek to open up through the expression of body art. Some are trapped in a dead-end middle class existence and see a tattoo as vicarious rebellion against their circumstances. And some are just stupid attention seekers. Well, most are stupid attention seekers. Hell, they're ALL idiotic attention whores.
| Moment of Reality |
|---|
| Hello, Mr. Infiniti-driving Middle Manager. You have worked hard to get where you are. You kissed all kinds of repugnant ass and stabbed a lot of hard-working, decent people in the kidneys to get that title of Assistant Co-Vice President of Trend Analysis and Review. We know you think you're a master of the universe, but trust us, you are completely replaceable. Should you give into temptation and get that flaming heart stenciled on your shoulderblade, remember that there is someone above you who will find out about it, and all those years of fucking people over will suddenly come back with a vengeance when you are demoted. Instead, go out and buy a Harley and a lot of leather gear and ride it around the block once a month. The effect is pretty much the same. |
Professional athletes, particularly those in the NBA and the NFL, have of recent years shown an overwhelming desire to write shit on their skin in some misguided effort to prove how awesome they are, as if million-dollar salaries, fleets of Lamborghinis, mansions larger than the White House, and harems of women who will lick anything on command aren't enough. With few exceptions (Peyton Manning and the third-string kicker for the Dolphins), all professional athletes are decorated to some degree. Of course, when everyone has a tattoo, then no one stands out except those who have maintained their rationality and have chosen rather to focus on their game (Peyton Manning, anyone?)
| Moment of Reality |
|---|
| Less than two thousand people on the planet are paid to professionally play football and basketball in any given year. If you are a member of that elite group, that is an incredible accomplishment, even if you are only Koy Detmer. Even the guys riding the pine make more money annually than your average plastic surgeon, so you've got it made. There is absolutely no reason for you to run out and get "BOO-YA!" tattooed on your chest in six-inch high letters. None whatsoever. Seriously. Instead, invest the money you are making and you'll be able to live the rest of your life comfortably. Remember, your talent and ability will fade and the salary will eventually run out, but that moronic catchphrase that was cool for ten minutes will be with you for fucking ever. |
| Moment of Reality |
|---|
| Hey, tough guy! Yeah, I'm talking to you! Nice tattoo, faggot! Did your mom draw that on you? Shouldn't you be getting back to the carnival...that Tilt-A-Whirl ain't gonna run itself, bunky! Yeah, I said all those things...what're you gonna do about it, tattoo boy? MMmmmmrrrfffflfff! <--- (sound of snarky EoS entry writer attempting to remove his head from his own rectum) |
What a tattoo says about the wearer
Reason, logic and sanity just have no effect on some people, so if you are one of those and are insistent that you have a need to mutilate your shoulderblade, then you need to know that not all tattoos are created equal. Different tattoos say different things. For example, a man with a skull tattoo that reads Mama Didn't Love Me is likely an outlaw biker who hunts kidnapped babies and hangs around in unpainted furniture stores in Arizona, whereas a man with barbed wire etched around his upper arm is a faggot. Some of the more common types of tattoos and their meanings are listed below.
| Tough Guy | This is a popular style with underdeveloped juvenile boys and guys who would get their asses kicked by Avril Lavigne. It is as if the tattoo ink is some nectar of the gods that, once applied subdermally, will transform a 98-pound weakling into a rough-and-tumble biker. Actually that's complete bullshit, given that it comes much closer to transforming the wearer's ass cavity into a semen receptacle, but the myth persists. | How You See Yourself
| How Others See You 
|
| Humorous | You are hilarious...at least you think so, but nobody seems to find your doo doo jokes and impersonations of George W. Bush are all that side splitting. But a tattoo that brings the funnai will tell people all about you, right? Actually it will. It will tell them you are a douchebag. Oh, and make sure your oh-so-clever skin cancer cover isn't based on some current joke, or you'll be explaining to everyone in the nursing home who House, M.D. is and why the words "It's Not Lupus" are even remotely amusing. | How You See Yourself
| How Others See You 
|
| Pop-cultural | Science fact: the isotope Californium-245 has a half life of 45 minutes, but even it hangs around longer than the stupid internet catchphrase or bubbleheaded pop star of the moment. Nevertheless, there are dipshits in this world who are, at this very moment, proudly displaying a Don't Tase Me, Bro! tattoo without realizing that it was officially lame before they ever set foot in the skin art parlor. Get one of these and you will be laughed at by anyone who remembers that All Your Base or Yatta! even existed. On the positive side, the memory of people regarding this crap is so short that after about eight weeks, people will no longer express derisive laughter and just stare at you with pity and scorn. | How You See Yourself
| How Others See You 
|
| Technology | Men get hard for sexy women. It's a fact, look it up. Nerds, while easily stimulated by the female of the species (or any species, for that matter), really sport a steel rod when it comes to new gadgets and the latest tech gizmo. These guys think there's no better way to display their affection for cutting edge consumer devices than by permanently dyeing their pasty-white chests with the corporate logo. You may think that the general public is in awe of your technical prowess as evidenced by your tattoo, but they actually know that you go home at night and physically fuck your USB port, and that your dick is just the right size to accomplish such a task. | How You See Yourself
| How Others See You 
|
| Fantasy | What better way to let the population know about your infatuation with Tolkein and World of Warcraft than by marking your skin up with a full color picture of Wangless, your 9th level Dungeons and Dragons magic user? How about a t-shirt or a bumper sticker, dumbass? Even a life size orc in your front yard would be cooler than the social suicide resulting from a D&D tat. The only better way to ensure a life devoid of pussy is to emblazon I HAVE THE CLAP on your forehead. Don't do this. Really. The only person who will envy you is that hardcore RPGer with skin the color of Elmer's glue whose ass is the shape of the chair it's been planted in for the past 3 years. No matter how much of a badass he appears to be in fairy-land, keep in mind that his 70-year-old mommy still lays out his clothes IRL. | How You See Yourself
| How Others See You 
|
| Sexy | You're a good girl, but you do have a bit of a naughty side, and you just want to tease the guys at the local bar a bit. Well, a short skirt and a membership at the local health club will accomplish that much more effectively than a rose that looks like it's growing out of your asscrack. A suggestive tattoo will give everyone you meet for the rest of your life the impression that you screw midgets for money on the internet. Just wait until some guy comes up and says, "Hey, weren't you the girl in Jizzdrinkers #11?" It is at that moment you will truly appreciate the definition of the word permanent. | How You See Yourself
| How Others See You 
|
| Facial | Most people don't have the balls to mark up any part of their body that resides abover the collarbone, but if you really want to stick your body art in the face of those you meet, then get it put on your forehead. Actually, if you hate everybody on the planet and do not want to meet anyone ever again, then just go for broke. A facial tattoo tells the world, "I don't give a shit about anything!" That may seem awfully appealing at age 21 when you just became legal and able to drink in punk rock clubs, but when you hit 35 and decide that a career as a television weatherman is your life's calling, you'll be shit out of luck. | How You See Yourself
| How Others See You 
|
| Insane | If your desire is to take it to the ultimate level and assure yourself a lifetime of stares from repulsed passersby, then just go batshit with the artwork. This is attention whorism on steroids and most people will hate you as soon as they see you. As cool as you think you are, everyone you meet, from supermodels to escaped mental patients, will consider you on the same level as the guy who hangs around the subway eating rat feces and begging for quarters. On the bright side, you can always find work in the circus, assuming you're open to biting the head off a live chicken and drinking the blood for the purpose of repulsing rural West Virginians. At last check, the job pays $2.01/hour, plus all the free Pizza-in-a-Cup you can stomach. | How You See Yourself
| How Others See You 
|
Tattoo removal
One day, sanity kicks in and that Celtic knot on your calf looks as stupid to you as it has to everyone else on the planet since you got it and started wearing shorts. So now you want your leg all clean and pretty again. How do you do it. Well, there are only three known methods:
- Laser Removal - All you Star Trek nerds out there are probably popping boners at the prospect of having a laser aimed at your skin, but this laser is just a high tech blowtorch. You are basically burning away the tattoo and it's going to really hurt...a lot.
- Surgical Removal - In short, this consists of cutting your skin off. Once it's gone, you will still have a scar, but a scar beats the snot out of a picture of Britney Spears. Even so, it's going to really hurt...a lot.
- Amputation - You got your tattoo because you're a bad ass, right? Then prove how tough you are by just cutting the limb off! This isn't a good idea if you got a facial tattoo or an eagle on your chest. Regardless, it's going to really hurt...a lot.
