Sweden
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
Sweden is stupid.
Sweden is a country somewhere in Europe. The country borders to three even more stupid countries: Norway, Finland, and the USA. The capital is flooded. Swedes are blonde. Swedes like to waste their lives visiting stupid websites. Swedes always drive Volvos and Saabs. Why? Because the Jews told them that if they didn't, Jesus would lay waste to the very popular suburban part of Stockholm (Logsmallisland in English) called Rosengård. A well known Swedish woman is Viktoria Silvstedt, her male counterpart is Mahatma Ghandi.
Contents |
History
Through the magic ways of astral projection, Sweden has been dated to be really fucking old, dating Sometime before 1975. Since electricity hadn't been invented, common hobbies were pimping, hitting the bullseye with your own eye and trying to invent pot.
Sweden was way too cool to be invaded by the Romans (or maybe, it was too fucking cold, as usual).This gave the Swedes a lot of awesomeness, and they invented Vikings. With the vikings came new hobbies like putting up old-school graffiti in stone form, called Runes, drinking beer made of honey and eating poppers to go berserk on your neighbour with a reason.
In the 14th century however, the Jews released the plague. Sweden died but somehow resurrected itself in total awesomeness.
All those god damn wars, what happened then?
Sweden did what Sweden is good at, being a straightforward pussy. Not officially supporting Germany in WW2, although letting a few german trains through off and then (despite being filled with german troops), letting them have a own storage depot and FINALLY, since the King was possessed by the fine works of mr. MC Hammer, eating dinner and congratulating Hitler "for a damn fine ruling" (in all seriousness, this is actually true) somehow conforms with the rules of neutrality.
Maintaing a big mother russia-style type of economy, we kept all our industries instead of showing some balls and kicking jerry. This proved to be very very cool in the rest of the world, with random bastards coining "Swedish welfare model".
Swedish Welfare includes the following blasphemy:
- Taxes beyond all sanity
- Booze can only be sold by Staten
- Drugs (no, not weed) can only be sold by Staten
- Socialbidrag, giving money to lazy fucks who don't deserve it
- No speaky-speaky of the immigrants, mexicans, muslims or whatsoever, critisism is called racism in Sweden
Also, resistance to what the press says is futile. And its absolutely futile if resistance is less than 1 Ohm.
People
Gustav Vasa
Had evil parents who named him Gösta Jerksson at first, but when proving himself to be totally awesome he became noble enough to bear the name Gustav Knäckebröd. Sick stuff that he has done includes:
- Went skiing for 90 kilometers after being pissed of for not becoming king of teh Sweden
- Cutting down a German merchant in cold blood because "he had the evil in his eyes".
- Hiding in a farm when the Danes wanted to have a friendly chat about Stockholm's Bloodbath
- Removing every large or second largest church bell in the whole land to build howitzers
- Putting himself on every 1000-kronor bill in Sweden to monitor every rich Swedes activity
Selma Lagerlöf
Selma Lagerlöf is old. Really old, so old that she is dead. In some way she won the Nobel prize for putting letters in random sentences to form books. Most famous for writing about a really lazy-ass Scandinavian farm boy (read: redneck) who gets sized down by a gnome for fucking in the animals hood. Also rides on the back of a geese through almost whole Sweden for no apparent reason, making fine evidence to conclude that this woman was constantly under the influence of weed.
Christopher Polhem
Nobody really knows anything about this dude. He does not have any birth records of him, but he was found to be born in Gotland by das Gestapo. At the age of 12, he started making Schaffelbeats, making him very famous in the Saunascene. But seriously, he made stuff for mines. A totally automated factory powered by water, and invented the color red. Died of AIDS.
Carl Linnaeus
Thank this dude for your F in biology, because he thought it was clever to name every single little species in Latin. He traveled around the whole freaking world to do this, no wonder he died at the age of 70. While not naming flowers, he treated syphilis back in Sweden.
Göran Persson
Not only is he ugly as sin, he is also fat and a social democrat who pretty much fucked up the politics in the 90's.
Culture
Contrary to popular belief, Sweden actually has a culture. It consists of those usual boring things that one finds in Christian countries, such as dancing around a tree at the 24th of December. The tree should also be dressed up. Swedes refer to this as pimping.
No, Swedes do not play music. This is because Staten has imlied a law saying that songs are racism, and must be repelled.
But here comes the slutkläm (Swedish for "shit"). Just like Russia, potatoes are not eaten but turned into HEAVY STUFF, referred to as brännvin, burnwine.
Because drinking is just as manly as Chuck Norris or seatbelts, the seatbelt was invented to make this sentence make sense:
<math>drunk + car = crash crash - seatbelt = pain Pain = bad Invention + belt = seatbelt</math>
Military
No need to speak about it, since its basically non-existent because of the constant savings implied by the goverment.
Although when it existed,, they constantly had to repell the Danes. The Swedish Army is also the only country to have patrolled the streets of Moscow. BEAT THAT US AND A, WE AREE THE WOOOORLD!
Public health
The pubic health is not a funny joke anymore, so we'll skip that. Drinking water is safe, low-as-walmart infant mortality, high life expectancy. How fucking boring! Go to France instead, because you cant find shit here, dawg.
SVENSK TEXT
The only thing swedes eat is meatballs, lingonberry jam and ladugårdar (Swedish for "babies"). The mystery about how one single Swede could eat a ladugård was discovered sometime before 1975 when Hitler had a sexy party at Das Gym in Ulricehamn, and asshat Steve Irwin tried to explore Sweden's nice little concrete piles that they call Miljonprogram. Miljonprogram is basically a big cement block where you can put (för example):
- Immigrants
- Jews
- More Jews
- MROE FAWKING JEWS TAHN U CAN IMAGINE LOL
- Stop the Jew thing it's boring
- Niggers
- Mexikhans
Sometimes Fat people that didnt care about school and did pot and played Mace in your Face come there to complain about neighbours, but they just hate immgrants, because they get Socialbidrag. Socialbidrag is something invented by a crappy communist party called Socialdemokraterna, that basically makes immgrants able to make money without working.
At night, Miljonprogramms is inhabited by Tusken Raiders.
Stuff to do
Not much, actually. It really depends on where you are. For example, if you are freezing your balls off, you probably are in Närke. This is an excellent place to drink beer, ride snowmobile and run over reindeers. Do not do this in reverse order, as this will get you shot by Gustav Vasas spirit.
