Subway
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
Subway is stupid.
Subway is a sandwich shop that is unable to teach its employees even the most basic of comprehension and sandwich building skills because they are all so fucking stupid that most of their brains' computing capacity is eaten up by their autonomic nervous system. It is a well-known fact that it is impossible to exit a Subway without at least one aspect of your intended order incorrect.
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The Sub Way
Subway's schtick is that you get to tell them what you want on your sandwich, with the ultimate goal of acheiving your perfect sandwich. This goal would be acheivable if it weren't for the fact that the employees almost never listen, improvise their own meanings for what you really meant on the rare occasion that they DO listen, and always seem to have one or more handicaps/sandwich prejudices that keep them from fulfilling your request regardless of whether or not they are listening. Meanwhile, the useless hunk of flesh that is running the cash register because his IQ is twice that of his fellows (still single digit) is busy trying to keep you from watching your sandwich being made by informing you before its half done as to what the price will be and what your payment options are. By the way, do you want a cookie? It's very important. VERY IMPORTANT.
Methods Subway Employees Use To Fuck Up Your Order
The Employee Preference
If the employee making your sandwich is not partial to pickles, heaven help you if you request that they put a LOT of pickles on your sandwich, because they will be unable to comprehend that a LOT of pickles to someone who doesn't like pickles is not the same thing as a LOT of pickles to a person who likes pickles. You can use this rule for any ingredient on your sandwich. The employee WILL project their own likes and dislikes onto your sandwich, forcing you to badger them at least three times. For instance, saying "yeah, could you please put more pickles on that?" will double your pickles from three to six, and saying it twice more may get you up to an even dozen.
The Myopic Short Sheet
Most people order six inch sandwiches. If you order a footlong sandwich you will be throwing a SERIOUS monkey wrench into the process, and the employee will most often be unable to see the last third of your sandwich. This last third will be utterly bare, forcing you to point out that there's a whole lot of real estate not being covered. All of this is particularly humiliating because you have an audience of impatient corporate knobwashers standing behind you waiting for their six inch subs to be made, and they don't give a damn whether or not you don't really care to eat stale bread by itself.
The Under/Overzealous Interpretation
When having a sandwich made at Subway, you might be inclined to generalize with a phrase like "I would like everything except jalapenos." Caution, friend! If you do, you will be asked at least three times "everything except what?" After providing the answers, you will then be asked "do you want cucumbers?" and "do you want pepperoncini?" You might be tempted to respond haughtily with something like "everything except jalapenos, cucumbers and pepperoncini," but if you do, you will end up with a sandwich that has carrots, radishes and spinach on it because the employee is unable to parse that what you really meant was "everything that ordinarily would come on this kind of sandwich except for jalapenos, cucumbers and pepperoncini" and will dutifully put every goddamn thing they have back there on it.
The Register Head Fake
While you're trying to make sure that the mental midget with the knife doesn't cut herself and bleed all over your sandwich, the professional dipshit who pushes the buttons on the cash register will be doing everything he can to make sure that you pay well before your sandwich is finished in order to speed things along. Nevermind that you can't fucking leave until your sandwich gets made, and nevermind that the person behind you can't get their sandwich made until after yours is made, YOU MUST TELL ME WHAT KIND OF COMBO YOU WANT AND DO YOU WANT A COOKIE AND WE MUST HAVE YOU PAY NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW. Be careful. They are trying to fake you out so that you don't see the spinach, radishes and carrots being added.
You Can't Possibly Not Want A Combo
No one purchases a sandwich at Subway without "making it a combo," (adding chips and a drink). The default drink size for a combo is "medium" (32 ounces). If you attempt to purchase a sandwich without a combo, and instead opt for simply a sandwich with a SMALL drink (24 ounces), you might want to have your cell phone ready to call an ambulance because the fatty behind the register may well have a heart attack at the prospect of not punching the same six combinations into his terminal. He will then attempt to convince you that he is an economics professor and that the combo is a better value for your money because of the ratio of food/drink to purchase price, but it is all simply a ruse so that he can avoid calling the manager over to help him place your order.
