Steve Jobs
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
Steve Jobs is stupid.
Steve Jobs is the founder of Apple Computers and inventor of the iPod and its lesser-known cousin, the iPhone. While he started out as a feral child in the wilds of Sweden, he grew up to become one of the most powerful and influential technologists of our time - and a real cocksucker, to boot. Slaving away in his garage in southern California in 1984, Steve invented the Apple Macintosh, the first personal computer with a Graphical User Interface manipulated by a mouse. Although today we take such conveniences for granted, at the time the Macintosh was released, it was considered revolutionary, and it took the world by storm.
Contents |
Early Life and Education
Life in Sweden with the Wolves and the Woz
Steve was born in Stockholm, Sweden to a poor migrant farm family who could not afford to keep him. They released him into the wild, where he was raised by a pack of wolves, learning early on in life how to hunt and forage for sustenance in the freezing wilds of Sweden. He was rescued from the wolves in feral condition by local Polish tree farmer named Steve Wozniak. For the first few years of their time together, Wozniak home schooled the young boy, who did not speak any language at all at the time he was rescued from the wolves, and was only able refer to himself as "MMF MMF HURRR." Wozniak christened the boy Steve after his own name, and gave him the surname Jobs, which in Wozniak's native Polish means "homosexual," as the boy showed no interest in girls but was solely focused on engineering. Many days Wozniak would come home to find that Steve had disassembled the television and reshaped into a toaster. These skills were not entirely useful on the farm, and Wozniak had the presence of mind to realize that he had a prodigy on his hands, so he moved to Northern California to facilitate his young protege's higher education.
Steve and Steve Come to America and Berkeley
By the time they eventually emigrated to America, Steve had a firm grasp on the English language and had taken to gathering Radio Shack Science Project kits and using them to build machines that could warp the fabric of time and space, allowing him to travel back in time to save the Irish from the Great Yam Famine. Steve was never able to fully realize his dream, but he did achieve partial success with his creation of the Steve Jobs Reality Distortion FieldTM. He would use this field time and time again during the course his career to utterly convince people that buying overpriced underpowered hardware was not only justifiable, but downright patriotic. Steve went to Berkeley University and majored in Engineering and minored in History, taking a particular interest in the many various snake oil schemes that were so prominent in the Southwestern United States in the 1800's.
The Apple Years - Part I
The blinding success of the first Macintosh flooded Steve with oceans of money, which he then used to make faster and more powerful computers like the Lisa. Lisa was named after his daughter, who eventually grew up to become an important vice-president of Apple's Graphic Design Department. She set the tone for the style of the graphics department (and subsequently graphics departments everywhere) with her decidedly goth fashion sense. They followed up the Lisa with the Apple III. The Apple III was followed up by the Apple SG1, which was followed by the Macintosh Pro XL GS, which was followed up by the Quadra Brownbox Series I, II, III and IV. Each successive product, however sold much fewer numbers than the one that preceded it, as Microsoft's superior operating system Windows began taking its dominance of the personal computing world in earnest. This made the executives at Apple sad, and so they fired Steve from his own company.
The Sad Years
Steve spent the next decade in a drugged out stupor, taking massive doses of the drugs he had come to know so well at Berkely and even foraying out during some of these episode to fraternize with local wolf packs. These wolves were not swedish, however, and after undergoing a particularly vicious attack one night Steve decided to check himself into rehab. During rehab he kept a diary, in which he wrote of a vision that had come to him in a mescaline haze about the bioconvergence of fruit and computers. It was this vision that he would eventually return to Apple and triumph with in the form of the new Apple iMac.
The Apple Years - Part II (With Bonus Pixar)
Apple continued to flail around while Steve was gone, but Steve grabbed them by the balls when he invented Pixar Studios - the first digital animation house. Their first release, the Disney movie Tron, was a worldwide blockbuster and once again Steve found himself flush with money and power. He leveraged this power and his star status among the Apple faithful to wrest control of Apple from the evil Pepsi executives who were running it.
It was then that he sprang his brilliant drug-induced idea to the world: Household appliances that look fruity! The colorful iMac line of Apple hardware included an updated Macintosh dubbed the iMac, and a whole host of other appliances, including the iIron, iToaster, iDildo, iCoffee - all culminating with the release of the iPod, which instantly became the most popular personal media player of all time. Their initial ad campaign, which was focused on the appropriate gender roles for the users of their products was highly acclaimed, and Steve was back on track to becoming the all-around geek guru in a turtleneck that he has become today. Only the release of iInternet, the quirky Internet alternative, was not widely well received.
There is so much more to say about this remarkable man. But I am not going to be the one to say it.
