Steve Ballmer
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
Steve Ballmer is stupid.
Ah, Steve Ballmer. The man, the machine, the legend. He is currently the richest man in America, followed by Martha Stewart and Bill Gates. He is currently leading the fight against the evil Google empire, having trounced Linus Torvalds and the Communauts with their evil Linux operating system. Steve Ballmer is the definition of the shrewed businessman and everything that is right with capitalism, and has been decreed the world's greatest Pokemon master on at least seven different occasions.
Contents |
Background
History
Sometime before 1975 there was a huge war on telnet, which is what nerds used to use before the Internet. Linus Torvalds had recently invented Linux, an operating system that was funded by the Russian government in order to subvert good ol' American capitalism. In order to combat the impending communist threat, NASA hired Bill Gates to create Microsoft Windows, an open source clone of Apple's MacOS. However, Bill Gates is a huge nerd and didn't know how to properly run a Business, so he used the magic flute to summon his old friend Steve Ballmer.
Ballmer as a Child
Not much is known about Ballmer's mysterious childhood, except that he won a spelling be in second grade. There are rumors of immaculate conception but they have not been confirmed.
Ballmer's Teenage Years
Around the age of 12, Ballmer met Bill Gates in high school, and they promised each other that they would one day go to Stanford University together. Gates helped Ballmer cheat on his SATs and they got in easily, but were unable to convince the administration to let them be roommates.
Ballmer in College
Ballmer and Gates went to Stanford together, but were increasingly annoyed by the refusal of the adminsitration to let them room together. Finally, one night Ballmer got so annoyed and upset that he posted on his livejournal and committed suicide, using a razor blade to cut across his wrist. Bill Gates screamed, 'KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANN!' then went to calculus class.
Ballmer as an important person at Microsoft
Several decades after Ballmer's death, and after graduating from Stanford, Bill Gates needed someone to run his Microsoft empire who could do math. While it is true that Bill Gates can do math, all he could do was bitwise xor, which is not the kind of math you need to run a business. Thankfully, Bill Gates is a Level 27 Necromancer with a Level 16 in instrument crafting skills, and was able to craft a magic flute to bring Ballmer back from the dead. After his ressurection sickness wore off, Ballmer immediately went to work.
Steve Ballmer's Work at Microsoft
Steve Ballmer was very instrumental in the founding of Microsoft.
The Early Years
At first, Microsoft was commissioned to create an OS to compete against Torvalds' Linux Operating System, and immediately set about creating Windows 95. However in order to do this, they needed DOS and Microsoft didn't have a version of DOS readily available. Therefore, it was Ballmer's job to go over to Apple headquarters and bargain with Steve Jobs for the rights to the text-based DOS. After settling on one billion dollars, which was a huge loss for Microsoft who still has not recouped from sales of the $50-a-pop Disk Operating System, Microsoft heroically launced Windows 95 just five hours before the first version of Linux to telnet, and was able to corner the market due to its much superior GUI and robust command prompt.
Growing Pains
However, Linus Torvalds and the evil Communauts did not rest, and soon released Linux 3.1, which featured FTP support and the world's first Web Browser. Things were looking bleak for Microsoft, and for Freedom, but once again Ballmer came to the rescue. By chance, he happened to have run into an old friend of his from college on classmates.com, Sean Hannity, who had been working on a peer-to-peeer music and movie sharing program called Napster. Ballmer met with him and agreed that he would liscene the program only for the recently-made Windows 3.1, the successor to Windows 95. Hannity had previously written a version for Linux 3.1, but as per the agreement the source code was destroyed and millions of users flocked to Napster to share Britney Spears music and Rambo movies on their cutting-edge 2400 baud modems.
Later, the RIAA and MPAA shut down Napster, forcing Sean Hannity to persue a career as a lowly television political pundit, but by that time the damage had been done and Windows had a 97% install base, and Steve Ballmer was delcared the richest man in America.
Developers
World Domination, and the Future
Lately, with the declining popularity of Linux, Microsoft has stood as a shining beacon of freedom, and we have Steve Ballmer to thank for it. However, a new threat has emerged in the form of Google, that threatens to copyright every item in the public domain for their own nefarious purposes. This will be a bigger challenge than the relatively wimpy Communauts and Linus Torvalds, which haven't been a threat since the Berlin wall fell. However, we have high hopes in the legendary Steve Ballmer, and we can collectively beat the evil Google empire by making sure that our copies of Windows pass Windows Genuine Advantage!
