Starbucks
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
Starbucks is stupid.
Starbucks is a fashion boutique that markets burnt water as liquid jewelry. Nobody actually likes the stuff, but a bunch of hipster doofi continue to buy Starbucks beverages because they think they look cool drinking black battery acid flavored with french vanilla and topped with whipped whale snot. Starbucks coffee costs $800 a cup, but since Seattle's entire population consists of "artists" who supplement their meager incomes with hefty checks from mommy and daddy, there are plenty of suckers willing to pay full price. Each cup has a prominent Starbucks logo, allowing the store's patronage to show off how hip and unique they are by drinking the same crap as 10 million other people. Starbucks Caffè Verona (spelled with a double f just to add an extra air of assholeness) was categorized as a Class 8 Corrosive by OSHA after it burned through four decks of the space tug Nostromo.
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Corporate History
Starbucks was founded sometime before 1975 when the Harkonnen family screwed up and lost the planet Arrakis to that pussy from Twin Peaks. One of Sting's brothers escaped by stowing away on the Battlestar Galactica. He survived by drinking the heated bilge from the ship's toilets. Before he was unceremoniously dumped in the Puget Sound with the rest of the ship's waste, he managed to bottle the swill. Using his robotic duplicator prosthetic, he made 400 gallons of the junk and called it House Blend. He then ripped off the name of one of Galactica's crew and opened a store selling beverages and patchouli oil in Pike Place Market.
In 1984, a bunch of hippies took the place over and immediately became capitalists. They started convincing Seattle's population that they would be unhip if they drank anything as blasé as water or Folger's, so all the city's sheep streamed into their store. They ran out of coffee, so they started dipping water from the toilet. The patrons hated it, but were too trend-conscious to admit it was bad, so they coughed up money just for the styrofoam cups with the logo. Knowing a good thing when they saw it, Starbucks bought the Seattle sewage works and made it their world headquarters. It stinks to high heaven, but people just assume it's all those damn hippies that work there.
Today, Starbucks has 6 billion stores, one for every person on the planet. They just announced plans to open a store on the moon. When asked how they expect to turn a profit, given the complete lack of water, coffee and people there, the response was, "Who cares? It's trendy!"
Products
Starbucks is the exclusive vendor of coffee and marijuana in the People's Republic of Seattle. Anyone buying a drink from any other company is immediately arrested for crimes against the state. Starbucks also sells tea, juice, tofu shakes, and LSD. Water is available for free, but costs $50 a jug if some towelheads have just flown a jet into a nearby skyscraper.
Some of the chain's more popular offerings are:
- House Blend - 100% Colombian coffee...at least that's their story.
- Kenya - Made with lions and tigers. Better than Norway.
- Ethiopia Sidamo - Stout blend made with dead flies and chunks of dried water buffalo dung.
- Breakfast Blend - Two eggs over easy, three strips of bacon, grits and toast, puréed in a blender and served piping hot!
- Organic Shade Grown Mexico - Liquefied hash. Popular with those losers who follow the Grateful Dead around the country.
- Colombia Naruto Supremo - Made with ramen, chakra and jutsu. OK, only a few people got that one.
- Moloko Synthemesc - Sharpens you and your droogies up and gets you ready for a bit of the old ultraviolence, oh my brothers.
Corporate Responsibility
Activism
Like any corporation run by a bunch of limpwristed pansy liberal asshats, Starbucks is very conspicuous about the fact that they use a bunch of overpriced, organic hippie shit in their products. They also give money to whiny activists who don't work for a living and spend their entire lives bitching about how things aren't fair. Starbucks feels guilty and sends them money to shut them up, then brags about it so more unwashed losers will buy their crappy coffee. As a result, Starbucks will give $500 to anyone who shows up at their door claiming to be a liberal, as long as they promise to go away.
Diversity
Starbucks is very concerned about the plight of minorities in America. As a result, they bused in 200 African Americans from New Orleans and immediately set them to work mopping the floors of their Seattle stores. They have a very stringent screening process to make sure that over 50% of those picking their coffee beans in Ethopia and Somalia are African Africans. They recently opened several stores in the People's Republic of China to show how much they love commies. They made sure that at least one African Asian was working the cash register.
In case you didn't see that Afro-American mopping out the toilet of your local store, Starbucks has placed this statement on their diversity page:
"While we serve coffee to the entire world, we strive to meet and respect the interests of our local communities. Our partnership with Magic Johnson’s Urban Coffee Opportunities helps introduce Starbucks to ethnically diverse communities throughout the country, providing even more places for people to connect."
This is a polite way of saying, "Stay out of our stores, Leroy."
Social Responsibility
A few years ago, a bunch of loonies decided that styrofoam was bad, so Starbucks bent over and grabbed the ankles for them by replacing styrofoam with paper cups that cost three times as much. Starbucks selflessly passed that cost onto the consumer. They also started including frou-frou paper sleeves to keep their customers from buwning dere itty-bitty hands and to ensure an exponential growth of the world's landfills.
In their ongoing effort to combat Global warming, Starbucks has announced that they will now be serving all their drinks cold.
Sanctimony
As if they weren't already annoying enough, Starbucks has decided to ask a bunch of idiots and loonies to write up snotty, arrogant statements to paste on their cups. Every cup of coffee comes with a free quote from the "The Way I See It" series, so you can be assured of a nasty case of indigestion. Stirring Maalox in with your Mocha Java is advised.
Testimonials
"Thank you starbux for supporting my addiction and my way of life. After drinking myself to sleep (thanks also go out to the WA state liquor control board) so that 4 hours counts as something more restful, I wake up everyday looking forward to an endless train of humorously overpriced crack-water, and eight dollar panini sandwiches for at least two of my meals. I don't care how much it costs because my parents are wealthy. Also, thank you for pushing the last legal stimulant besides cold medicine on the hundred and fifty highschool kids I have to wait behind in line to get my dose; teenagers appear apathetic, lazy, "emo" and fat. Hopefully your businessman's cocaine will have them tensely paying attention in their classes or doing something otherwise productive. I also don't mind your bullshit liberal advertising because underneath that veneer i know there exists a ruthless money machine that I can respect."
-2L student, Seattle University School of Law
