Star Wars
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
Star Wars is stupid.
Star Wars used to be an excellent movie franchise started sometime before 1975 by little known Jew moviemaker George Lucas. It featured a heroic story in the style of the old serial westerns (except that it was good) replete with sci-fi trappings, including fascinating alien characters, robots and spaceships. Then, in The Future, Lucas decided to fuck it all up and start making movies again, many years after the money generated by the success of the first three movies had rendered him creatively useless.
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How Did This Happen?
The Original Trilogy
The original Star Wars was a really breezy film, so it's seems George wasn't trying very hard. The film featured interesting characters who were all portrayed by relatively unknown actors. It's obvious from the outstanding results that these actors all worked together very well. The onscreen chemistry among these actors must be considered George Lucas' greatest stroke of luck of all time, because all of his other efforts to direct have proven that he has no ability whatsoever to get people to act anything other than wooden. With the introduction of the muppet character Yoda, it was apparent that George was going to start going weird, which he did with the introduction of the insufferable Ewoks in the third and final Star Wars movie. Even the Ewoks couldn't ruin a series of such high quality, though (and such quality was largely attributable to the fact that Lucas did not direct the final two Star Wars movies) and fans continued to build the Star Wars universe many years after the final film played in theaters in 1984.
The New (Previous) Trilogy
Lucas himself seemed shocked at his success, and rather than look at it as simple dumb luck, he instead decided that everyone in his audience must be idiots. Emboldened by this knowledge, and angered by how much fans kept contributing to the richness of the universe he had created, he made it his mission in life to make three new films that would do everything they could possibly do to unravel everything that had been raveled in any previous Star Wars works, thereby pissing on everyone's cake and making millions in the process. His plan worked flawlessly. First, he had the presence of mind sometime before 1975 to call his first Star Wars film Episode IV. After the movie didn't bomb, he then set out to have us believe that calling it Episode IV wasn't a simple gimmick meant to ape the serials the movie was inspired by, but that there were, in fact, three full stories before this one that could be made. This, of course, was an outright lie - it has been made quite clear that Lucas' imagination is not nearly that deep. But three movies were, in fact, made. They are not Star Wars movies, however, as they have nothing in common with the original three movies. The Force, once a mystical, Eastern-flavored life energy, is reduced to a measurable blood infection of something called midichlorians. Interesting characters like Darth Maul are killed off, and characters that no one can stand (see also: Jar Jar Binks) are forced upon the audience in all three movies. Passionate love like that of Princess Leia and her brother Luke Skywalker is replaced by the unbelievable nonsense between Padme and Anakin. Because the events in these movies came BEFORE the original trilogy, but we are living in a world where cinematic technology has gotten BETTER, the movies end up doing things like bestowing the gift of FLIGHT to R2-D2, and of course, rewriting much of what came after. Ben Kenobi, owner and pal of R2-D2 in the third film, completely forgets him by "Episode IV." All in all, these movies just suck balls. Thanks a lot, George.
Fucking Up The Original
Ah, but Lucas was not satisfied with making three new movies that would destroy the love and goodwill of the millions of fans of his universe. No, he insisted also on changing the original three. Much bad CGI was added, and Lucas' newfound conscience dictated that Han Solo, criminal smuggler, could not possibly do something like kill Greedo in the cantina unless some bad CGI was used to demonstrate that Greedo attempted to shoot Han first. Lucas then decreed that the unaltered Star Wars films would never get to DVD, creating a black market the likes of which the world had never seen, unless you count The Star Wars Holdiay Special, which is so stupid even George Lucas refuses to acknowlege its existance. The fans continue to show it just to piss him off.
