Soldier
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
Soldiers are stupid.
People who go fight wars on behalf of richer, more powerful people are called soldiers. They are enticed into becoming soldiers with promises of honor, glory, and in some cases, a lifetime supply of Tuck's Medicated Pads.
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History of soldiers
Following the advent of war sometime before 1975, the cave-dwelling ruling elite hominids decided that the best way to fight was not to do so themselves, but that others should do it for them. Of all aspects of war and soldiers that have changed over time, this one aspect has remained a constant. Not only would this preserve the lives of the Head Monkeys in Charge (CINC-CAVE), another possible benefit would be the availability of more female monkeys to mate with, thus preserving the ruling class' dominance. So the elite monkeys scratched their collective heads. This is because they had cave lice, but also because they had recently developed the internationally accepted gesture meant to denote deep thought. "How to get others to go kill and possibly die on our behalf?", the monkeys would have thought, had they known English. Instead, it came out, "Ugh!". And with this declaration, it was decided that those in power would offer those not in power fame, glory, honor, and hemorrhoid remedies in return for killing other monkeys in the name of the elite. "Never mind that you may die in the process" was not something that was told to the fighter-monkeys because, again, they didn't know English.
Religion and soldiers
Early man needed a means to explain natural occurrences, such as night and day, and why eye boogers happen, so they created religion. Religion also offered the advantage that the ruling apes could convince the ordinary apes that only they, the rulers, could communicate with the powers that control all things, sometimes referred to as Rush Limbaugh, or simply, 'The Dumbass'. In doing this, the rulers gained the allegiance of the commoners. Even though practically every religion claimed its God as creator of all things and people and denounced killing in general, and killing of other humans in particular, soldiers were told that, aside from the honor and glory mentioned before, they would be held in particular favor of the The Dumbass in return for ending the lives of other humans (who were, of course also created by the The Dumbass, but deemed unworthy of life for getting in the way of the plans of the ruling chimps).
Organization of soldiers
In 1984, it was thought by the ruling chimps that soldiers should be organized in order to greater increase their efficiency in ending human life. They were divided into Generals, Captains, and foot soldiers. The Generals were in charge of everybody, and never did the actual fighting themselves, because this would jeopardize their future status as successful defense contractors. The Captains fought very close to the foot soldiers, always making sure to stay just out of enemy range while barking out orders and hoping to impress the generals. The foot soldiers, always mindful of promises of honor and glory (and Tuck's Medicated Pads) in The Future, fought on. And died on. Thus the organization of soldiers that we enjoy today. Ruling chimps at the top, foot soldiers on the bottom, and opportunistic monkeys in between.
The Future of soldiers
Because people and war are both stupid, the future of soldiers is bright. People will always seek to rule other people, while other people will always subject themselves to this condition. As a result, the ruling people will always want what other ruling people have, and set their soldiers on one another.
Tuck's Medicated Pads, baby!
