Scientology
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
Scientology is stupid.
Scientology is a cult invented by noted science fiction hack Elron Hubbard. In a drunken bet with fellow hack Arthur C. Clarke, Hubbard boasted that he could create a religion based on science fiction characters and get most of Hollywood to join it and give it money. Clarke took the bet and the rest is history.
Clarke was reportedly incensed at Hubbard's success and made a side bet with Hubbard that there was no way he could get an A-list celebrity Scientologist to kidnap and brainwash a young starlet half his age and subsequently get him to go on Oprah and dance on a couch. Hubbard took the bet, and although he died before he could witness the outcome of their challenge, in 1984 Tom Cruise succeeded in bringing it to a finale.
Upon the realization that Hubbard had pulled yet another coups de grace, Clarke's android body is rumored to have began choking on its asparagus in what is now considered to be the longest simulated death scene in history. However, experts believe that this may simply be a clever ruse, as androids cannot choke, and that this is merely an attempt by Clarke to stall for time until the uploading of his conciousness to the giant black monolith orbiting the planet Jupiter can be completed. Thus allowing Clarke to avoid the inevitable catastrophic destruction of Earth by Xenu's invasion fleet, and to begin writing science fiction novels that do not suck.
Scientology In A Nutshell
Once upon a time, an alien ruler called Xenu had an overpopulation problem, so he took his excess citizens to earth, and blew them up with H-Bombs. In order to prevent their souls, called Thetans, from reincarnating, he captured them in special soul traps, and forced them to watch propaganda films containing depictions of fictional characters called God, the Devil, and Christ. After brainwashing, these souls clumped together in clusters, bound by the common experience of having seen the same film. Since there were few human bodies on earth, compared to the souls, these clusters of Thetans are in all of us, and the only reason we believe in God, Christ, and the Devil, is the film these Thetans saw 75 million years ago.
This isn't typical Encylopedia of Stupid nonsense, this is seriously what scientologists believe. It really is that retarded. Honestly. It gets worse:
Hubbard then combined this story with a quack form of psychotherapy he had invented, called "Dianetics." This basically consists of probing things people are uncomfortable with, while they are hooked to a meter, which measures their skin resistance.
This process is called "auditing," and you pay lots of money for it, and when it has gotten rid of all your Thetan-related hangups, you are a free agent, called a "clear."
It would be funny if it wasn't all true. Instead, it's merely stupid.
