Saint Patrick's Day
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
Saint Patrick's Day is stupid.
Saint Patrick's Day (March 17) is a popular holiday where people of Irish descent celebrate their rich history and brave legacy by gathering together in pubs around the world and consuming near-fatal doses of alcohol. These celebrations generally deteriorate into multiple brawls and worldwide several hundred people die from what coroners refer to as "too much fist to the face and groin."
Since the holiday features drinking it has predictably been co-opted and Americanized by college schoolgirls and the slavish monkeyboys that follow them around into a Mardi-Gras-style affair in which baubles are handed out to girls who are willing to flash their tits and/or retire to the bathroom stalls for a quick blowjob.
Contents |
History
Irish Celebrations
Irish people are Catholic, by and large. Saint Patrick's Day is a traditional Catholic Feast Day which celebrates Saint Patrick, the patron saint of Ireland. This is of particular importance to the people who make liturgical calendars, and has almost no meaning whatsoever to anyone else. The complexities of the Catholic liturgies are frequently cited as the main reason that everyone feels so compelled to get drunk and start fighting anyway. The day always falls in the season Lent, during which Catholics are asked to give something up something that they enjoy doing out of deference for the sacrifice made by Jesus. Any Irishman asked to give up alcohol for Lent will immediately quote the only scripture they know by heart - the one where Jesus turns water into wine.
American Celebrations
In America, any excuse to drink is welcomed as an opportunity to attempt to forget that everybody wants us dead. Since America is comprised of many Catholics (as well as Jews), its guilt complex is almost as large as its GDP, and a religious holiday where one is expected to get drunk (rather than the secret, shameful, daily drinking done only in the home) is almost like telling a junkie that March 18th has been designated Saint Doherty's Day. Americans grab the holiday by the horns with gusto and lots of yelling and stomping. Americans invented green beer. American beer being (by design) piss yellow - this didn't require a sizeable brainstorm.
Celebrations Worldwide
Worldwide Saint Patricks Day is celebrated by Muslims who burn effigies of Jesus and kill each other so as to really drive their point home. They fire off rifles and scream praises to Allah and refuse to drink alcohol or have sex with their women. Wait, that has nothing to do with Saint Patrick's Day. Sorry. Other cultures celebrate the holiday by mimicking the American celebrations, generally getting drunk and stupid and having sex with each other in irresponsible places.
Tradition
Green Shit
Clothes. Beer. Decorations. Hats. Ties. Cars. Socks. Underwear. Face paint. Hair. Lipstick. Contacts. You name it, somebody makes a green version of it emblazoned with a shamrock. If you don't wear green on Saint Patrick's Day, you are liable to get pinched. It is the one day that women cannot scream sexual harrassment without facing several months in jail.
Parades
There are various parades on Saint Patricks Day. They are more fun than all the other parades because everyone is drunk and drunk people are funny. Really funny. Always. Seriously. On St. Paddy's day everyone is considered Irish and welcome to march in a parade, except of course the Gays and the Italians.
Drinking
People drink heavily on Saint Patricks Day. They most frequently cite the reason for their drinking as mimicking the Irish (you see, the Irish LOVE to drink), but in fact, they just want to get drunk. If they really mimicked the Irish, many of them would die from alcohol poisoning.
Did We Mention Drinking?
There is a lot of it.
