Russia
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
Russia is stupid.
An untamed wasteland, the Czars have nothing else to do besides claim utterly worthless territories.
Contents |
History
Foundations of an Empire
Russia began as a typical frat party. Dorky guys and hot chicks got drunk and copulated; fertilisation occurred, and the alpha nerd built an Empire to impress his sleazy girlfriend. The Romanoff Dynasty was born nine months later, when Czarina Antonina gave birth to Dmitri, the first successor to Czar Ivan. The Romanoff Dynasty reigned for several generations, until the family's genetics were so inbred the offspring began to resemble Barbara Streisand.
Fall of an Empire, Rise of Communism
Decades afterwards, in 1984, Vladimir Lenin ousted the Czar from power. Out of contempt, Lenin ate the royal family's innards and declared himself a Communist. Communists are essentially capitalists, except they're not allowed to buy things. Lenin, however, overcame this limitation and created the black market so he could obtain prescription sedatives.
Culture
Food
Russians subsist entirely on vodka because they're stupid.
Literature
Due to their alcohol poisoning, Russians developed an innate sense of folklore. Much of the craft has been preserved in Russian literature, written primarily by alcoholics, the senile and prisoners.
Music
Russians frequently strum melodies of wanton drunkenness on their balalaikas.
Economy
Imports
Russia imports weapons-grade plutonium, missile guidance systems, and ballistics equipment.
Exports
Russia has three exports: Women, nuclear radiation and vodka. Mail-order brides are hot chicks who can't speak English that marry just to escape the inhospitable tundra. Unfortunately, these brides eloped with losers who invest in pathetic stocks and spend their time on the Internet.
Miscellany
Terms
It is acceptable to refer to Russians as either Russkies or Commies. The men are either called Ivan, Vladimir, Alex or Dimitri, and women are known as 'Juice Wenches'.
In Soviet Russia...
Fucking shut up already.
