Ronald Reagan
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
Ronald Reagan was stupid.
No, really, this is a verifiable fact due to his advanced case of Alzheimer's that was plaquing over his already retarded brain well before the conservatives selected him as America's next president/sexy GOP poster boy. Before his disastrous tryst in politics, he was an actor in terrible movies. Imagine electing Rob Schneider president. Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't know that was going to make you convulse like that. Take as long as you need before continuing.
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Ronald Reagan the Actor
Reagan became known for his mediocre performances in various B-movies and lame romances, earning the "Gipper" nickname from one of his roles. Perhaps the greatest achievement of his acting career was the timeless classic "Bedtime for Bonzo", wherein he plays a scientist trying to force morals upon a chimpanzee. This film is known as one of the best metaphors for a presidential administration of all time, though its legacy has been overshadowed somewhat by contemporary monkey cinema such as "Dunston Checks In" and "Boys in the Hood".
Even while in theater the soon-to-be-president would set a standard for corporate whoredom that his predecessors would gleefully follow. These include appearances on:
- Kraft Suspense Theater "Lactose Intolerance: A Tale of Hatred"
- General Electric Theater "European Wall-Sockets: A Beginner's Guide"
- The DuPont Show "I'll Lube You Forever!"
- Ford Motors Theater "The Peril of the International Jew"
Ronald Reagan the President
Ronald Reagan was such a notoriously huge idiot that it hadn't been three months into his reign as king of America before he was dodging bullets from would-be an legends. Unfortunately, the first attempt on his life only bounced off Reagan's ancient, scarred lungs, prompting him to yell at his Secret Service goons for pushing him into the limo. At the hospital, Reagan demanded that only Republican surgeons be allowed to operate on him using only the power of the FREE MARKET to coerce the bullet out. After promising Reagan some ice-cream when he woke up, The Gipper allowed the filthy liberals to use their "science" to prevent him from dying.
Surviving a gunshot wound gave Reagan 50-cent style street cred and launched his approval ratings through the roof in a display matched only by George W. Bush riding the charred corpses of 9/11 victims to an approval rating of over 90% like crispy, blackened bottle rockets. Unlike Bush, however, the effect didn't wear off. Reagan had grabbed the flashy jumping star and was now free to run through Goombas and Koopa Troopas with impunity. And by that I mean "be an idiot."
Vice President Jesus
Despite Reagan's tendency to plan his schedule according to the sinful Zodiac Calender like a bubbly but slightly dim teen girl wondering if today's the day Zap Hardmeat is going to ask her to the prom, Reagan was solidly on Team Jesus.
Reagan, perhaps in an attempt to reassure the public that his horrible policies would not plague them long, constantly raved on and on about the Commies and Armageddon. One might even be compelled to invoke Godwin's Law in discussing how much he hated those filthy reds, but I'm saving that one for my blog (friend's only, sorry). 1983 was declared the "Year of the Bible", which is pretty lame compared to China's awesome calendar with tigers and cocks (A ROOSTER YOU MORON).
Foreign Policy
After over nine-thousand hours of careful deliberation, Reagan's crack team of diplomatic experts crafted the perfect strategy for dealing with the Russian commies.
See all those crazy people waving Korans, wearing turbans, and going "LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO" while waving their hands like they just do not care? Let's give them guns. A lot of guns. While they were at it, they lent support to insurgents in Nicaragua. Then everyone involved took the profits and extorted the hell out of them. Oliver North received a two-hundred-grand Swiss bank account. Reagan himself bought an EZ-Bake Oven and a Bigwheels tricycle.
Soon the LIEberals had enough of Reagan's poorly concealed "illegal activities" and "war profiteering" and conspired to put him in the time-out corner. Reagan then employed a brilliant strategy still in use by Republicans today: He inundated the media with contradictory messages until they got confused and went home. Even though Reagan had practically tattooed "GUILTY AS FUCK" on his forehead, the media's love affair with him was barely tarnished.
In a hilarious twist that every conservative has conveniently forgotten recently, Reagan also dumped tremendous amounts of CIA resources (including samples of various plague-level diseases and chemical agents) into Saddam Hussein's coffers while he was giving the Kurds a good old-fashioned cyanide bukkake. This incident would later be used to justify the invasion of Iraq by Reagan's butt-buddy's in the Bush family, completely without irony.
To protect America against commie nukes, Reagan proposed that America build a giant space laser capable of targeting ICBMs from orbit. Sadly for Reagan he did not live in Neo-Tokyo, so his grand (retarded) vision was never realized.
Reaganomics
The way Reaganomics works, you have to cut taxes for the rich and dramatically reduce restrictions on corporations. Eventually the underclassohshit I just dropped my Jolly Rancher right out of my mouth. Did you see that? Now there's hair all over it, hold on.
AIDS
Sometime just after 1975, God created the HIV virus in order to prevent any of the events described in your average ASSTR story from taking place in real life. At first it proved effective in eliminating zoophiles and gays. Ronald Reagan was pleased with God's work, and all went well until the bisexuals came along and ruined everything by introducing it to the God-fearing straight population. AIDS is now Africa's primary export.
Death and Canonization as Republican Jesus
At the age of 245, it was discovered that Reagan had been suffering from Alzheimer's the entire time! After a few more years of acting exactly the same as he had throughout his presidency, Ronald Reagan died of pneumonia after shoveling mashed potatoes into his trachea and letting them stew in his lungs like some horrible crockpot. His image was instantly bigger than Jesus in the GOP's circle. The entire party had by then adapted all of Reagan's policies as their own, but now they had a martyr that blew anything Al Queada (aka. The brave Mujahadeen) could make right out of the water.
Just a reminder: There is a major political party in America that bases it's policy around the ramblings of a mentally retarded man.
