Robot
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
Robots are stupid.
Robots are reconditioned appliances that have been hammered into the shape of bulky men with metal skin and originally no genitalia (until they invented robo-gayness, but more on that later). They were invented in The Future by some guy named Tobor who thought it would be clever to reverse his name. He was wrong. Now the damned things won't go away and are petitioning the government for Social Security benefits and food stamps. Congressional Democrats have started pushing a measure to allow robots to vote, regardless of their citizenship, prison record, or status as a living being. Robots have been proven to be responsible for Global warming, so Al Gore has installed seven in his Nashville mansion. Robots hate salt water and sand, so at least the beaches are free of them.
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The Growing Menace
First Appearance
The first recorded sighting of a robot was on an episode of American Bandstand, broadcast sometime before 1975. The early model resembled a giant rolling trash can with three legs, but was destroyed when Dick Clark set off a small dirty bomb and vaporized 17 blocks of Philadelphia. This small television episode allowed Carl Sagan to sound not completely insane, so he was released from the Gotham City Sanitorium on his own recognizance. He then proceeded to rebuild a dishwasher with the ROM chip from a Mattel Electronics handheld football game, and the genie was out of the bottle.
I, Robot
Sometime around 1984, a Russian immigrant named Isaac Asimov was working as a high school janitor in Shermer, Illinois. After being teased by five students who were spending all Saturday in detention, he rushed to his closet and quickly penned an angry screed, inciting the robots to take over the world. Through a wacky set of coincidences, the manuscript wound up being published and was hailed as a science fiction masterpiece. This was fortuitous, in that it forever labeled Asimov as a nerd and, thusly, prevented him from contaminating the world with his seed, but it also gave a few refurbished lawnmowers some bad ideas. This led to the Robot Revolution, which lasted about 27 hours until someone realized that a big magnet would end the whole damned thing.
Robot Sexuality
A few years ago, there were only a handful of gay men and they all lived in an apartment in San Francisco. Then came David Bowie and suddenly there were a ton of fags, before AIDS thinned them out. Robots, while unaffected by HIV, were not immune to the effects of repeated viewings of Xena - Warrior Princess. As a result, gay robots started to appear. Known as "robohomos", they first came into the public eye when a robot was seen inserting a gasoline pump nozzle into the rear of his chassis. Although he claimed it was for mechanical hygiene, he was immediately disabled. But then the ACLU, ever looking for ways to piss off Americans, decided to sue the government and the Gay Robot Defense Fund was born. Most people just laugh at these dorky fags as they march in demand of free Vaseline. Some aliens thought it would be a grand joke to steal one of these mechanical rumpjockeys and give it to the emporer as a gag gift. The emporer, a closeted polesmoker himself, loved it and suddenly every Imperial starship was populated with golden faggot robots, which is the real reason the rebellion won.
For the record, robotic ejaculate is a mixture of Valvoline, turpentine and WD-40. Watching a gay robot light up a cigarette after robotic sodomy is one of the funniest things known to man. Just make sure you are a safe distance away.
The Future of Robotics
When disco finally makes a comeback, it will be robots who are responsible. Some guy wanders Daley Plaza in Chicago with a placard predicting the coming of a robot boutique in the near future. Robots will not be involved with climbing mountains, since they're a bunch of chickenshits when it comes to heights. The prediction of robotic actors recently came true when it was proven that Stephen Colbert is one of the early models of the Terminator series (the ones with rubber skin). A sitcom will be coming this fall about a nutty family of robots. It has already been canceled.
