Riot

From Encyclopedia Of Stupid

Riots are stupid.

What's a riot?

A riot is what happens when a bunch of people get angry at the same time and then go batshit crazy. Remember being in third grade, and the teacher said:

"I'll be right back. Just sit right there"

Then she leaves the room and all the little shithead kids in the class (yourself included) decided to get up, scream, run around, and trash the classroom for no apparent fucking reason?

That's the kiddie version of a riot. When adults riot, the shit really hits the fan.

Riots in History

Nika Riots

One of the first riots that Wikipedia has listed are the Nika riots. They occured in some city called "Constantinoplus" or something. Anyway, some person (presumably black) bought some Nike shoes and began showing them off. One of his friends was too broke to buy actual Nikes, so he went to Chinatown and bought some cheap knock-offs called "Nikas".

Sure enough, this broke bastard began showing off his fly new Nika shoes. Everyone thought he was the shit, except for the people who made Nikes. They said that the Nika guy "copyright infringed" them and that he should pay them (like he could) for "hurting their product", as if these cheap-ass chinatown shoes were somehow going to undermine their multi-million rupee business.

They proceeded to chase the Nika guy, catch him, and beat him up. They all went to court and the Nike guys got off scot free, while the Nika guy went home with some serious boo-boos.

Everyone in Cuntalingastabople got so pissed off at this decision, they decided to torch and loot the town. They also hurt the koreans in chinatown who made the Nika shoes. Just because.

The Boston Tea Party

Sometime before 1775, a few little girls (now called forefathers) got together to have a gay little "party" where they pretend to serve hot bitter liquid to stupid stuffed animals. One little girl said that the imaginary hot piss was "green tea". Another girl said "No, it's chameleon meal!" A trekkie said "No, it's Earl Grey tea!" He was trying to be funny. He wasn't. And he did not get laid for a few years, either.

The little girls then began pulling each other's hair, slapping each other, scratching each other, and pulling on each other's panties. The trekkie masturbated. A lot of hair was missing from a lot of girl's heads, and they did not want to look like stupid bitches to everyone else. They said that Indians had scalped them. The Indians were then genocided.

They also snitched on the trekkie, and everyone called him "pervert" from that day forward.

Whiskey Rebellion

Sometime after 1775, a lot of alcoholics (now called forefathers) got together and decided to get smashed after a hard day of doing nothing. They were having a pretty good time drinking, shouting, and watching reruns of Sports Center.

Tom (the guy who owned the bar) wanted to watch Ice Capades in his room, so he asked the guys to quiet down. They called him "Tinkerbell" and said to fuck off.

Then Tom said that he wouldn't serve anyone any more drinks until they shut up long enough for him to watch his show. Naturally, the shitfaced bunch rebelled and began wrecking the bar. That they liked to hang out in. Makes perfect sense.

Tom called the police. That totally killed everyone's buzz. They arrested bunch called him "Tom the Tinkerbell" as revenge. What geniuses.

Los Angeles riots of 1992

aka "The Rodney King Riot"

One day, in a really safe place called Los Angeles, a guy named Rodney bought some Nike shoes. He saw some nice-looking white folk and decided he'd show them his brand-new shoes. The white folk were police who got a report that some guy had stolen some Nike shoes. When they saw Rodney, they assumed he was the theif and proceeded to kick his ass.

Then they all went to court. (see where this is going?) The police got off scot free and Rodney went home with some serious boo-boos. Then all the black folk got mad because the police beat up a black guy (did I mention Rodney was black? 'Cuz it's kind of important).

Then all the black people began burning and stealing shit all over Los Angeles. The Mexicans, who for once decided not to be lazy, got up and joined in on the activities. Then they beat up and robbed the koreans in chinatown who made the Nike shoes. Just because.

History repeats itself.

What should I do if a riot happens near me?

Run away. If you can't, barricade your house and arm up. Do not trust anyone who invites you to a riot (especially children). If you need to let off some steam, you should protest (or masturbate). When you protest, none of your fellow protesters will rape you and then laugh at you. When you masturbate, the only thing that gets hurt is your wrist.

Remember not to start any riots, either. They only succeed in making you look like a jackass and pissing off your hot elementary school teacher. Then you won't get laid.