Rhode Island
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
Rhode Island is stupid.
Rhode Island, despite being represented by one of the stripes on the American flag, is not a real state. It is a borough of New York, or Massachusetts, or one of those legitimate states. It was founded sometime before 1975 by Roger Williams, a colonial zoo-keeper who was such an asshat that he got banished from every other colony and was forced to form his own.
"Rhode Island" is, in fact, only a "common name." The full title of the state is "Rhode Island and Providence Plantations, Which Have Absolutely Nothing To Do With Slavery, It's Just Pure Unfortunate Coincidence That Our Ancestors Chose That Particular Word, We Swear To God." Other nicknames for Rhode Island are "Li'l Orphan Rhody," "The Corky of the States," and "Long Island, New York."
Its capital, Providence, has had the honor of being the eponymous setting of a God-awful, way too long-lived "feel-good drama" on NBC.
Contents |
Boring Facts
Climate and Geography
The weather in Rhode Island is ever-changing, and ever-annoying. Due to the capricious nature of New England's climate, locals have a popular saying: "If you don't like the weather, then go hang yourself, jerk-off."
Rhode Island has a great deal of coastline (it is, after all, an island) and is known for having the greatest salt count per capita in the USA. This unique trait has inspired a local delicacy known as "hot wieners," which are wet, salty hot dogs that taste just as good as they sound. As if this double entendre weren't sickening enough, most Rhode Islanders say the only true way to order a hot wiener is to get it "all da way", which is code for drenching it with enough meat sauce, mustard, and onions to kill a small dog.
The most famous town in Rhode Island is Quahog, which, coincidentally, doesn't actually exist.
Population
Rhode Island is very, very, very small, and those who are foolish enough to live there are severely cramped and constantly tripping over one other.
Rhode Islanders have a strange local "dialect", similar to that of Boston, but with a lot more made-up words. Sociologists postulate that the lack of a sufficiently large gene pool most likely accounts for it, making all Rhode Islanders sound like "re-tahds."
Rhode Island drivers are known for their lack of knowledge of traffic laws and their inability to use their turn signals or rear-view mirrors. The official driver-to-driver greeting in RI is the "Middle Finger Salute."
Culture
Go to Boston.
Less Boring Facts
- Of all the characters in the popular show "Family Guy," which takes place in Quahog, Rhode Island (a much more interesting town than any that exists in reality), the only one based on an actual Rhode Island resident is Peter Griffin. This should come as no surprise to anyone. "Dumb and Dumber" was also set in RI.
- Having no actual sports teams of their own, Rhode Island sports fans have to pretend to be from adjacent states when rooting for their favorite teams (see Culture).
- The town of Newport, Rhode Island, is famous for being a hub for rich, snobby assholes; however, this perception is unfair. In actuality, pretty much every Rhode Island town is a hub for rich, snobby assholes.
- One literally cannot take five steps in Rhode Island without bumping into a goddamn Dunkin' Donuts.
- Rhode Island is haunted by a butt-load of ghosts, thus confirming that, even in death, no one who lives there can leave.
