Retard
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
Retards are stupid.
Contents |
Alternative terms
The term "Special" has acquired pejorative and shameful connotations over the last few decades.
Summary The retarded have long been a powerful presence in free societies across the globe. In America, however, their role is of greater importance than anywhere else. They constructed the current two-party political system employed in America (referring to themselves as Republicans or Democrats) and provide invaluable janitorial service. The United States Congress, as well as all state governments are full of Republicans and Democrats. Every so often an independent is elected. Indepedents, unlike the Republicans and Democrats, are not retards although their lack of intellegence often leads to mistaking them as such. Unfortunately, retarded people have a penchant for sitting near non-retarded people and babbling incoherently in a high falsetto. It is currently unknown what purpose this serves, but scientists speculate that they derive needed energy from awkward situations just as plants derive energy from sunlight. Retards are also legendary for their safety-consciousness. At any given time, retarded people will wear no less than three pieces of protective gear (helmets, knee-pads, athletic supporters,"Bubba" blue nomex suits etc.). They are also known for being extremely safe by utilizing "Hot Work" permits, JHA’s etc. See fine examples of “Special People”, a.k.a retards at the below links (click link for photos)
Origins
The term "retard" originates from the father of the first retard, Sir George Francis Retard IIIII. The Retard clan was of great prominence in England during the Napoleonic Wars. Sharing their blood were arguably the finest scientists, warriors, and musicians ever to serve the Crown. George Retard himself was knighted for the invention of pre-moistened toilet paper.
Tragedy struck when Lady Elizabeth Retard gave birth to a most peculiar child, the only male child George and Elizabeth were able to produce. The child was named George Retard Jr.
The couple soon discovered that young George was unable to absorb a single word of the texts they placed in front of him. Leading scholars from across the land were paid healthy sums to tutor the boy, but every attempt failed. Tales of George spread quickly amongst England's elite. The rumors were proven to be well-founded. The Retards held a grand dinner in honor of their daughter's marriage to the Duke of Hazzard. During the meal, George leapt onto the table and cried, "supercalifragilisticapplesaucemcdonalds!" He immediately released his bowels in his trousers, and was escorted away by a servant. Everyone tried to play it off and keep eating, but it all just got really awkward and everyone made up excuses to avoid finishing Elizabeth's famous chocolate pudding.
George Retard IIIIII grew, and eventually attended a prestigious university. Though his grades were mediocre, he still graduated with great accolades due to his father's wealth. After an unsuccessful stint in the military, George became one of the most influential advisors to the Crown. Unfortunately, all of his decisions were exceedingly unintellegent, ergo the Retard surname became synonymous with idiocy. Even at present, accusing another person of being a member of the Retard clan is one of the most popular insults, second only to the lethal "Yo mamma" attacks. "Special" people are also know to do repeated chest pounding, pounding the chest over the heart with the right hand, followed with a two finger "Special" sign. This sign is known worldwide as a symbol of "Special" people.
Language
Retards have a unique language with roughly ten different words. Three of them are expletives, and are always spoken loudly enough so that everyone in room they occupy can hear. Five are variations on "graham cracker," which is a staple in every retard's diet. The remaining two are used as mating calls.
Mating Habits
A 1984 study revealed that the retarded have two distinct mating calls and one insignia of their "Special" being( a small silver phallus or penile charm worn about the neck on a necklace). One is reserved for furniture and appendages belonging to non-retarded individuals. When this call is issued, the caller proceeds to the nearest vertical object and humps it to completion. Sexual gratification is not the goal in such cases. The Awkward Rays produced by this event are enough to fuel a retard for up to a week. Subsistence is the sole reason for this activity.
The second, and most rarely heard, is the deep guttural moan of the actual mating call. It is said to resemble a foghorn, and is issued prior to retard copulation. The retard mating ritual can take days to complete, as the pair first struggles to remove their three layers of clothes. Afterwards, they ponder the nature of one another's genitals, experimenting with the possible uses. Often, they never get it right and are separated by a non-retarded individual. When the miraculous event does occur, and fertilization is achieved, the incubation period begins.
Retards are born in litters of three or four. It is necessary to have more than one due to the low survival rate of retard pups. Their brains are often simply too stupid to regulate involuntary functions. Multiple cases of feces coming out of the mouth and blood being pumped by the liver have been reported.
Strength
Retards can exhibit crazy superhuman amounts of strength. Retard strength is believed to be the result of massive graham cracker ingestion coupled with stupidity. Retards simply don't understand that picking up the back end of a Chevy or a fat chick may cause their bones to snap right through their retard pelts.
Scientists have long sought uses for retard strength. The Special Olympics was created as a means to study retard strength in hopes of using it as an alternative energy source. Research thus far as shown that retard stupidity severely limits practical uses of retards individually. To solve this problem retards are often fitted with helper midgets to preform minor mental tasks for them.
According to Wilford Brimley
Hi. This is Wilford Brimley. Welcome to ‘Retardation: A Celebration.’ Now, hopefully with this book, I’m gonna dispel a few myths, a few rumors. First off, the retarded don’t rule the night. They don’t rule it – nobody does. And they don’t run in packs. And while they may not be as strong as apes, don’t lock eyes with ‘em, don’t do it. Puts ‘em on edge. They might go into berserker mode, come at you like a whirling dervish, all fists and elbows. You might be screaming, ‘No, no, no,’ – all they hear is, ‘Who wants cake?’ Let me tell you something: They all do. They all want cake. Well, that’s it for the celebration. I guess the most important thing to remember is, they’re just like you and me.
Known Retards
Madonna Bill Buckner Mike Jones Puff Daddy/P. Diddy/Whatever the hell he's called now, Frankenstein, and Dan Rather
Conclusion
Retards, while relatively harmless, are stupid, love graham crackers, and are stupid.
