Ray Kurzweil
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
Ray Kurzweil is stupid.
Mr. Kurzweil (pronounced cunt-file) transcended across the astral plane to the place we call earth sometime before what we recognise as 1975 to lend his incredibly over-exaggerated brain mass to help our shitstain planet. Along with the newly-discovered cyborg Stephen Hawking, he attempted to revolutionise society in three easy steps: building computers, making fun of blind people and talking shit. Obviously an entity such as this was bound to succeed, due to his conversion to Judaism mere moments after appearing on the edge of Mount Doom and declaring his intention to keep very old jokes running for as long as possible, among other things. Ray Kurzweil is rumoured to go by the alias of 'Doctor Time'.
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The Story So Far
Realising how crap we all are
After materialising on this planet Ray spent much of his time with a bunch of queens in the USA, and it inspired him to become like the common human goon, specialising in flooding many a message board with posts such as "Does your house have Jews in it?" and "OMG OUCH!!!!11oneone". After a brief visit to his home planet for the funeral of his Byzarg (how do you know there isn't such a thing?), Ray started making products for the blind. Armed with his own company with its own slogan - 9/10 blind whores can't tell the difference - he conquered the market for the visually impaired with such revolutionary items as monocles for the blind, Braille computers and seeing-eye penes for the ladies. In fact his solid work for those with defective peepers was rewarded with an evening in his honour, held by the Blind Society. Unfortunately not many people saw it and his work went largely unnoticed by those in society who don't need a dog to know when to cross the road. However things were about to change, as he was soon to meet the alien droid sillivoicus1, or Captain Stephen Hawking as we stupid simpletons call him.
When Two Genius Extra-Terrestrial Beings Unite, Stuff Happens
Kurzweil (Haha I've just realised, his name sounds Jewish LOL!!) met Hawking during one of the latter's poker evenings when he was invited to take the place of Steve Ballmer, who was due to defend his Pokemon World Title that night. After helping Hawking to bankrupt Steve Jobs, Kurzweil showed the wheelchair-bound card master a drawing he'd done of Optimus Prime urinating on a homeless man. This simple drawing of a robot and its piss would alter the course of history, after it was designed and constructed into a working vehicle known as Metal Gear Ian. Because they worked so well together and because they both knew they'd soon be killed by irate Apple nerds, Stephen Hawking and Ray Kurzweil were fused together to become Rayphen Kurzking, super genius with an IQ of 409. Right up to this present day they control the American and European media, engineer political situations to suit their grand plan and beat small animals with sticks.
Written Works
Because of this new-found super intellectualism, the duo were able to write several books predicting the future. The first was 'The Age of Intelligent Machines', detailing how they managed to programme a robot to urinate on hobos. Shortly after came 'Fantastic Voyage: I Even Met That Fat Guy from Star Trek!', a tale of their perilous journey from New York to Chicago. Their most famous and arguably their best book was 'The Law of Accelerating Reruns', which divulges into the possible likelihood of television schedules gradually being filled up with repeats of Frasier and Cheers, until Kelsey Grammar rules the small screen. Terrifying stuff indeed.
This Shit Is Dope, Bitch
Kurzweil also used to make synthesizers until his arms were sacrificed for an experiment designed to see if human arms can be used in place of oars on small rowing boats (the question went unanswered as those chosen to row the boats were also the ones whose arms were used in place of the oars). Rather fittingly (you couldn't make this up), he was encouraged by Stevie Wonder to develop a piss-poor imitation of the sound of a grand piano and other instruments, which he duly did to pacify Wonder and avoid another stick beating. The most notable use of this was on the 'Switch-Off Bach: I Have A Headache' album, which about five people have heard of. After meeting Hawking, Kurzweil suggested the formation of a techno rap super group, with Kurzweil on synths (using two coathangers in place of his arms) and the Hawkmeister on vocals. After such hits as 'Transhumanise this, motherfucker', 'Paradigm Shift my Bitch' and the funkadellic 'Stick my A-L-S up your A-S-S', RayK and Hawkdawg left the music business to a new generation of tosspots and whores to ruin.
It Won't Last
Though they may be running the show now, the illuminati will soon be without two of its most valuable assets, as Ray and Steve will soon have to fight to the death, as predicted by Kant last week. Kurzweil vs. Hawking: 'I'm in control, bitch' will be so brutal that God himself will referee it. Jesus is running the betting, with Hawking currently 7-4 favourite. The winner shall inherit the earth, until they fight Satan for it in Las Vegas next March.
JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW
Being Jewish does of course mean that Ray Kurzweil will survive anything, even a dissing from the black man should it occur. He has also been promised by fellow Jew and poverty pimp Bill Gates that he can have a job at Microsoft and achieve world domination through podcasting subliminal messages to university smackheads. According to my Rabbi, that's kosher.
