Pop Music
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
Pop Music is stupid.
Pop Music is a generic term referring to music designed especially to appeal to the lowest common denominator. You don't have to be very bright or have gone through many of those big thick piles of paper you can buy at Barnes & Noble or have any good taste at all to get it. More often than not a pop band will have a single hit out, be famous for its good 15 minutes and disappear back into the nothingness they came from.
Pop Music, also called mainstream music, can also be described as the type of shitty music you don't have to make any effort to listen to as it comes by itself busting right into your radio or television in the form of music videos, often repeatedly to the point of exhaustion. CDs are also easily available everywhere. In this sense, it is the opposite of underground music, that is the type of shitty music you have to get off your ass to listen to.
Contents |
Characteristics
Contemporary Pop Music is the beginning of the end of true musicianship, and the tool by which MTV plans to take over the youth of today. Unfortunately, Britney Spears and her numerous clones, in conjunction with all them shoddy emo bands, have almost succeeded in this. While pop music in the past was inofensive and mildly entertaining at best, mildly annoying at worst, it has degenerated into a stinking festering wound in the gangrenous limb that is media nowadays.
Ingredients
A typical Pop track, out of necessity, requires the following ingredients:
- Needs to be short, not grindcore short, but short, nonetheless. A 2:20 song is good, 3 minute or more is long and 4 min or more is a fucking epic.
- One or more semi attractive Barbie Dolls that can 'shake some ass' - talent not included, sometimes accompanied by a bunch of wankers.
- A less attractive, but actually talented woman who records the vocal track (optional)
- Edgy or slutty visuals, like "OMG, shes so crazy and slutty!" or "OMG, those guys waer MASKS! THEIR TEH HARDCORE" (see below) or "OMG! She can sk8 nad paly guitar!!11!1"
- Shitty instrumentation, if there's any besides that of a computer that can go "beep!". Should the band actually have any talent and potential with instruments, they'll forsake it all for the money, of course.
- Lack of any lyrical depth and abuse of repetition. Common themes being stupid teenage love, sex, nonsense and just plain gibberish, fake aggression and, after the emo/goth/nu-metal trends, how-much-life-sucks-because-my-parents-won't-let-me-go-out-and-party.
- Hip Hop can be pop too. Just make sure the rapper is either a wigger or a nigger that has been shot a few times and is known by more names than the devil.
Sense is not a requirement for a smash hit. All that is needed is an attractive/stupid figure and a big record label.
History of Pop Music
Pop music has been around every since man decided that classical music was boring as fuck. Sitting around watching all those violins and men in tuxedos, and partitures and what-not. Bleh. Therefore, man invented radio so that he could satisfy his monkey urge to dance all over the place while listening to music. In that sense, the radio is a modern version of the Pandora Box.
Sometime before 1975
Disco music, funky clothing and poppers. We're still trying to forget that.
1984
- MTV whores out mediocre bands/singers. The advent of the Sellout.
- Madonna lays out the pattern of the blonde pop bimbo for the generations to come.
- Michael Jackson reaches the peak of his fame with Thriller (ironic that he himself would become a zombie in a few years' time).
- Hair metal ridicules metal and its fans worldwide.
Sometime in the 90's
- Cool acts like Backstreet Boys, NSYNC, Westlife, Christina Aguilera and Spice Girls brainwash the young'uns in a sea of "Whoa"s and "Baby"s.
- Madonna and Michael start losing power.
- Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On" from the Titanic soundtrack becomes a diplomatic incident as it drives the world to demand war against Canada. They still owe us all an apology for that.
Today
- Teen Pop Madonna-spawned bimbos everywhere! Britney, Aguilera, Hillary Duff, Justin Timberlake, Mariah Carey, Paris Hilton, Jessica Simpson, Beyoncé.
- Trent Reznor's lover Marilyn Manson brings goth, metal and Satan to MTV. They broke up shortly afterwards.
- Both the gothic trend and the nu-metal trend followed mr. Manson with Linkin Park, Korn (though they already had a shitty enough career before that), Evanescence and Slipknot.
- When MTV executives decided that was not annoying and whiny enough, they brought to media attention the emo and pop/punk acts, such as Blink 182, Good Charlotte, Simple Plan, My Chemical Romance (an attempt at being both emo AND goth) and the return of Green Day (who everybody blissfully thought was dead).
- Children become cutters, and generally begin to suck all-round.
The Future
Fear it, because only god knows what atrocity will follow.
How a Band Becomes Pop
Pop From The Very Beginning
A band can be pop from its very beginning. Sometimes the dark council of MTV execs gather around to summon up from the very depths of hell a band of 5 or so humanoid creatures that can't sing, play or dance. Don't be fooled by their appearance, though they look human, they are not. Next, they hire an evil music-crafting wizard to make the most annoying, yet catchy, music for that group. The band will immediately start on a major record label and will conquer million of fans worldwide and earn double platinum before you realize it.
Alternatively, a band may become pop after being around for a year or so, willingly laying out music with the aforementioned pop elements. If they don't live in a stupid redneck city in the middle of nowhere or a third world country, they'll attract some attention and might be picked up by a major label. Then, every single time their vocalist takes a shit or snorts off cocaine (possibly because s/he can't possibly stand sucking so much), they'll be on the news.
Selling Out
A band that has been around for more than one or even two decades in the underground will eventually get old and maybe even rich. This combination makes it so that they'll gradually degenerate into pop - after all, underground music is music for pissed off nerds, and how pissed off can a band be when they're swimming in money? Old-school fans will call such band a sell-out and bash it on Internet forums every single chance they get, but will secretly listen to their poppier albums when nobody's around.
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