Phoenix, Arizona
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
Phoenix, Arizona is stupid.
It is also hotter than hell.
Contents |
Background
History
Before it became home to 2.8 million people in the metropolitan area and the itinerary of some 12 million visitors a year, Phoenix was home to such Indian tribes as the Hohokam (meaning "FUCK THIS SHIT WE'RE OUTTA HERE") and some hapless pioneers who came with the first railroad line into the valley in the not-summer of 1887. They foolishly believed that the lovely 80-degree weather and blue skies they had found were paradise. Most died.
It was the introduction of the air conditioner into American life after World War II, that attracted people here by the thousands, and will drive them away by the millions once the terrorists drop the bomb on Hoover Dam and Palo Verde. Since most of them are from California anyway, nobody really gives a shit. Today Phoenix and Las Vegas share the distinction of being the most ridculously hot cities in the country, although Las Vegas is considerably hipper.
Phoenix is the capital of Arizona, which was the last of the lower 48 states to achieve statehood in 1912, it being too damn hot to think about statehood much.
Phoenix will be the first up against the wall when the the revolution comes.
Little known fact: Phoenix is not made of the ashes of the powerful mythical creature, but out of cigarette butts and the rubble from mid-1950s atomic test sites.
Phoenix routinely catches on fire.
Geography & Weather
The geography of Phoenix consists mainly of rocks and asphalt punctuated here and there by cactus. The weather can generally be described as hot and less hot. Two seasons grace the city: summer and not-summer. It rains in Phoenix roughly three times a year, but each of these monsoon storms is enough to flood most of the metropolitan area and cause every single driver to forget everything he or she ever learned.
People
Phoenicians fall into three categories: natives, various assholes (mainly Californians and idiots from the Midwest) and illegal immigrants.
Drivers
Phoenix drivers are among the worst in the nation. Phoenix drivers all want you dead. They are all in a VERY BIG HURRY. All Phoenix drivers hate all other Phoenix drivers as a matter of course. No other drivers are ever given the benefit of the doubt. Should you make a mistake and do anything polite at all while driving in Phoenix, the person you were just polite to will either frown at you or ignore you altogether. Not a single driver in Phoenix will allow you to get over to the right to allow them to pass. Instead, they pass you on the right. In an ever-tightening circlejerk of asshattery, they do this because there is not a single driver in Phoenix that ever looks in their rearview mirror to assess whether or not they should yield to oncoming traffic. Speed limits in Phoenix are commonly understood to merely be "suggestions," as the police in Phoenix are too busy chasing down Mexican illegals on beer runs and sun-scorched homeless drifters screaming incoherently to bother with speed traps. When a stop light at an intersection in Phoenix turns green, no one actually goes. Instead, they creep their cars forward until they are certain that oncoming traffic from the opposite direction has indeed stopped, because it generally doesn't until five or ten seconds after the light has turned red. All Phoenix drivers are required to be on their cell phones at all times, and they dutifully comply with this regulation. As with every other city in the nation, the left-turn green arrows turn first in Phoenix, then the regular traffic is allowed to flow, unlike Scottsdale, Arizona and Grand Rapids, Michigan which inexplicably do this backwards.
See also: Arizona.
Scenes
There are no scenes in Phoenix.
Music Scene
There is no music scene in Phoenix.
Club Scene
There is no club scene in Phoenix.
S&M Scene
There is no S&M scene in Phoenix.
Furry Scene
There is no furry scene in Phoenix. There was an attempt, however since they were wearing fur covered suits in July, a 2 minute outage in airconditioning cooked them to death and rendered the remains into beef jerky. It is still sold to tourists today.
