People
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
People are stupid.
People is the plural of person. Persons is a plural of person too, but it follows weird grammar rules. Better to call it all people anyway. People is a kind of animal native to planet Earth. I'm a person. Your neighbor is probably a person and, you, if you're not a robot, are a person. We're all people. Soylent Green is also people. We all share this same unfortunate fate.
Contents |
History
The first people appeared on planet Earth sometime before 1975 in Africa. They ate leaves, fruits and whatever small animals they could catch. They weren't fast enough to run from predators or run after prey, nor were they very strong. They were deprived of sharp claws or fangs, didn't have any poison of any sort, couldn't swim well, nor fly or dig/burrow and didn't have a protective shell or hard hide. Also, they'd lost their ability to climb trees, which's the only thing monkeys can do well, aside from flinging feces. Simply put, people, from their very beginning, sucked. Bad. They were nature's little joke and served as a nice, easy, dinner for the ancestors of today's lions, hyenas and vultures. Nature had however given them the amazing power of the opposable thumb and then one day a big black monolith appeared out of nowhere and somehow taught these monkeys how to beat the hell out of each other with a bone (that's one theory, some say it was the thetans). They soon were able to get back at those pesky bastards that used to eat them. As they gathered together they realized that the continent they were in was awful, so they got the hell out of there. Some weren't as fortunate and for some reason stayed there instead of going to Asia or Europe. Up to these days, they still regret that decision.
Biology
Despite all these years of evolution, people are still carbon-based creatures. They're weak against fire, ice, lightning, wind (see: rednecks) and earth (except for Japanese people, who see earthquakes as everyday happenings).
Metabolism
Humans have one mouth through which they can feed themselves with pretty much anything that isn't in an advanced state of putrefaction. Now, reach behind your back and in between your buttocks. If you're not a freak, there should be an anus right where you're touching right now (don't poke it too much). Hours (possibly days) after ingesting food, shit will come out that hole. Now that's the catch: no matter how good looking, how thin, how intelligent or how rich someone is, that person shits. Everybody (except heavily constipated people) will excrete smelly brown fecal matter from their assholes from time to time. While this isn't fixed, we can enjoy lovely German scatporn and be thankful we, unlike jellyfish, don't have the anus and the mouth sharing the same hole.
Lifecycle
If not interrupted by violence, suicide, disease or accidents, a person's lifecycle is as described below:
- A young human is accidentally created in the back seat of a car from the clash between a man's semen and a woman's egg, after the sexual stimulation, penetration and subsequent ejaculation of the man's penis inside the woman's vagina. It parasites the mother for roughly nine months - nine horrible months in which the woman's belly becomes huge and she'll constantly complain about her nausea, her swollen feet and her strange urges.
- If not aborted, a human larva will be pushed out of the host's vagina. This is called being born. It's excruciatingly painful for everyone involved.
- The larva will continue to grow in size and turn into a nymph after about 12, 13 or 14 years. A nymph is just like an adult human, except some inches smaller and illegal. Nymphs are usually prone to being very stupid and pissed off, masturbate, experiment drugs and listen to bad angsty music. Nasty zits usually appear at this stage.
- Finally, the nymph will develop into a fully functional adult and will have to start working and stop leeching its parents for good. S/he'll get a shitty job and then, if s/he's not a loser, s/he'll find progressively less shitty jobs. The fully grown person may also find a member of the opposite sex to marry and have children, thus starting the cycle all over again.
- Once it reaches its 40 years of existence, the grown person will notice he's started decaying. Wrinkles pop up on the face, some hair gets gray, the butt and breasts become flabby. At this point women may start menopause and the hormonal variations may drive her and her husband to go batshit insane. This is called midlife crisis. At this point they tend to wear leather, hang around with younger people and may join some bikers' club.
- Lastly, as the people grow older and older, they'll get more and more lonely as their friends either die or go away and their children eventually grow and, unless they're losers, move out of their basements. The final stage of life is a saddening one: the weak, shrunk, wrinkled human - with its bones eaten away by osteoporosis, its hair completely gray or not there at all, its mind possibly fucked up and its sphincter completely out of control - goes through old age either completely alone, or with its significant other or with other old people in dirty, ugly, depressing places called asylums. Without much else to do in life, they patiently await their unfortunate, but certain demise.
Differences Between People And Other Animals
- People wear clothes. Animals usually don't, except when they have owners that are fucked-up in the head and think they look cute all dressed up.
- Dolphins, pigs and ravens, no matter how smart they're said to be, can't build hospitals, write books or software, solve equations, split the atom or assemble a computer. People can. (Important note: just because you're people, doesn't mean you can do the aforementioned things, most people are, in fact, more useless than dolphins, pigs and ravens. )
- People have a smaller, but greater than zero, chance of trying to assault and raping/killing you.
- People are aware that one day they'll die. The thought of ceasing to exist forever is so overwhelmingly depressing for humans that they've developed stupid religions just to get rid of that bad feeling. Animals generally don't meditate, worship Jesus or blow up.
- Animals are easily entertained, so they rarely feel bored. Sometime before 1975, people needed to turn to art to pass the boring, boring time (in which they weren't working or fucking) between being born and dying. This has been fixed with the advent of the television and, later on, the Internet.
- With few exceptions, animals don't usually have money. Nor do I, in fact.
