Pagan
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
Pagans are stupid.
Pagans are a classification of people too moronic and indecisive to pick one thing to worship, and so are of a peculiar eclectic religious flavor. This means any dipshit thing can have a “spirit” or be worshipped as a god.
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In A Nutshell
Paganism is defined as “praying to a whole bunch of different stupid crap instead of just acting on one delusional head-trip.” Typically this is a form of religious worship for people who can’t make up their mind. Or they are so overwhelmed with every detail of their existence they can only attribute every single said detail to a corresponding divinity rather than just accept that shit happens.
When not chanting and worshipping rocks and rainbows, many pagans spend their time having wet dreams about conjoining with their animal guides and fostering their closeted furry fetish. Self-absorbed and woefully narcissistic, most of these people are of the opinion that they are several orders of magnitude more sexually appealing and intelligent than they actually are. They often use more important sounding terms when referring to themselves; a non-pagan might refer to one as “fag” or “retard,” while the pagan will assume the title “witch” or “warlock.” Imagine your standard indoctrinated Baptist, but in addition to knowing they are right about everything, they are also a flagrantly unrepentant sexually empowered whore with all the sex appeal of a week old road-kill skunk. (Which to other pagans is extremely arousing.)
Typical kinds of people who participate in this belief structure are:
- Fat/ugly/lazy people, because there is no church to attend and so no one to have to compare to
- Hippie tree-hugger faggots, because every plant and animal has a “soul” or some shit
- Anyone who is so disenfranchised by Christianity they are ready for anything that isn’t
- Emo/Goth dipshits who say they are pagan to be trendy (this also includes “vampires”)
- People who existed sometime before 1975 who were lucky enough to not have any religion of the past 2,000 years inflicted upon them, but were still cowardly and stupid enough to have to blame anything they didn’t like happening on something other than their own deficiencies and inability to cope
- Anybody whose parents were one of the above categories and too spineless to think on their own
What It Means To Be Pagan
Although pagans do not enjoy the same tax-exempt status as the “real” religions, pagans do not care because they either earn so little they are not required to pay taxes, or loathe the government and refuse to pay them. After all, pagans do not have fancy expensive buildings to upkeep. The standard place of worship for the typical pagan is any forest, field, park or basement of their boyfriend’s mother where they live.
All the religions that don’t classify themselves as pagan have a rabid hatred of all people who do label themselves ‘pagan.’ This is probably due to a deep-seated insecurity from the time in history when the one-god party looked like a bunch of brainless retards and they were the ones being set on fire for having different ideas. Nazis loved to gas pagans second only to the Jews.
Whenever a pagan wishes something to happen or prevent something from happening, they engage in a ritual which is similar to prayer (that is, totally never works outside the statistical probability of coincidence), but more elaborate and silly. Pagan prayers are usually referred to as “spells” or sometimes “rituals.” This usually involves burning incense, prancing around naked, having butt-sex and/or imbibing drugs and alcohol. The more interesting ones will involve some sort of blood letting or sacrificing of any nearby small animal or child. These are usually called “rites,” because that word sounds more important than “spell.” Spells are usually used for more simplistic things, such as making someone love them (handy, as most pagans are so hideous as to make a dead blind man shudder), warding off bad ju-ju, winning $500 on their pull-tab or killing an hour or so during their ever unemployed afternoon. Rites are more for things such as wishing someone dead, granting themselves some sort of supernatural power or insight or killing several days while waiting for their next welfare check.
As with most religious participants, pagans also have a strong hunger for simplistic iconography. Ranging from simplistic geometric designs and 20 second spirograph doodles to basically any scribbled thing that can be referred to as a Celtic or Norse rune, pagans delight in tattooing these things all over themselves. It is also common for these shapes to be scrawled in blood on any convenient surface adjacent to the site of their sacrificial animal rite. Every bit as much importance is placed on these things as Christians place on that chunk of wood with a zombie hanging from it or the moors place in Mohammad.
Dress
When not frolicking naked having sex with squirrels and trees, pagans usually wear clothing that is mostly green, gray or black, because they are the most spiritual colors according to them. (In actuality, these are the colors that afford the best camouflage for sneaking up on unsuspecting woodland critters that would otherwise flee to protect their assholes.) This garb is usually accompanied by a pungent odor, as it is against their beliefs to bathe regularly or use soap or deodorant in any fashion, as these things would disrupt their auras and piss off their animal spirit guides. Or something… Many times pagans are mistaken for French people, because they smell bad, do not shave and are condescending to those not like them.
The Modern Age
As with all religious people, there is a deep seated fear of change among the spiritual tree-huggers. The root cause of change is thinking, which is required for all technological advancement. Therefore pagans live in total denial of the rest of the world and lead lives similar to that of the Amish. For the most part, they have as much disregard for science and reality as other hard-core religions. Which is to say, it is generally thought that medicine will only poison the body, not help it, surgery is evil and everything can be cured with spells and herbs. These people still believe trepanning is a viable method of curing head aches and that dancing in the woods wearing a laurel wreath on their head blessed by goat-urine that was cured by the full moon on the last vernal equinox yelling praises to the spirit of the sparrow will cure tooth aches.
Thanks to photo-shop and the advent of poor photography, multitudes of proof of the aura, another popular pagan myth, have been produced. These methods are not unlike the “proof” that has been given for ghosts, Bigfoot and alien UFO’s. Unfortunately, actual scientific research has only played into their delusions rather than helped cure them. One example is the discovery of the human body producing a low level magnetic field. This is taken to mean by the ardent practitioners that auras are real, spirits are real and those soft-headed tits who claim to be able to read them and talk to them are really telling the truth.
It is only a matter of time before Muslims, Jews and Christians set aside their differences and unite for the combined purpose of putting all these ridiculously annoying people into large ovens and turning their souls over to their squirrel totems.
Notable Pagan Religions
There are many pagan religions, past and present. Many of them are unaware of their heathen ways.
Wicca
This is for those so fat and ugly, not even God wants anything to do with them, and so poor and stupid that Yahweh doesn’t want them.. This is usually the image most people have when they hear “Pagan.”
Classical Religion
That is, all that crap the Greeks and Romans pulled out of their ass. The Greeks basically thought up all this stuff, and then when the Romans came along, they were too lazy to think of their own beliefs and copied the same ones the Greeks had but changed all the names. This includes people with wings on their feet, people being born from the thighs of men and the general belief that omnipotent beings have nothing better to do than assume mortal form and fuck hot women and screw with people. Oh, and that whole thing about homo-erotic mythical creature creationism having to do with a large omnipotent being’s schlong being chopped off and tossed aside, Lorena Bobbitt-style.
Ancient Egyptian
These people had a similar bent to their lives as with the Greeks and Romans. Every stupid place, thing and noteworthy event on the human scale had some supernatural force with an imposing sounding name behind it, thusly making it an event on a universal scale and attaching undue significance.
American Indian Beliefs
Similar to Wicca, but more sincere and with more alcoholism and less obesity. These people believe in many kinds of spirits, totems, guides and supernatural animal-beings. Also this includes a certain level of worship for ancestors. Obviously that is stupid, if their ancestors were so great, they would have been busy inventing guns and bombs to prepare for the European invasion and wouldn’t have so readily sold their land for beads and plague blankets.
Norse beliefs
Like the other classical religions, the Norse system has a multitude of gods and beings to give offerings to, but with way cooler names and more of an emphasis on getting shit done, usually via pillaging and raping.
Dot-On-the-Forehead-Indian Beliefs
Again, like the classical style religions but with a distinct LSD twist. That is, half human half elephant hybrids, dudes with a lot of extra arms and some silly notion about cows being sacred, --stuff that would seem normal on an acid trip.
Christianity…
Despite what all the devout say about this being a one-god show, obviously there are at least several things being worshipped as gods. They as much admit to it by referring to god as the ‘holy trinity.’ IE, NOT one, but THREE gods. God, Jesus, and that Ghost Thing. Not to mention the ‘virgin’ Mother (again, a similarity to the classical religions; god has nothing better to do than pop in earth-side and fuck some hot chick) countless saints, angels, demons and oh yeah, that one red skinned fellow with the pitch fork and bifurcated tail who likes to set things/people on fire.
Islam
Similar to Christianity with the whole ‘there’s only one Allah but hey let’s worship this prophet guy and totally fuck around what he said and use it for our own purposes’ mantra.
Scientology
Probably would be pagan, if it wasn’t so fucking retarded that it made Christianity or Islam look like the greatest slice of humanity’s genius since the advent of fire and the wheel.
Other
Includes any number of cults, fads and just generally anybody who hates organized religion but is too chicken-shit to refer to themselves as atheist or too stupid to refer to themselves as agnostic (because they don’t know what that means.) This category also includes all the new-age ass-pirates, which are only less retarded than scientologists because they are too stoned to take themselves that seriously and don’t have enough money to be part of The Vast Jewish Conspiracy.
What To Do If You Spot A Pagan
Try not to make eye-contact. If it seems to have noticed you, stay motionless; their sight is based on movement. If at all possible, set them on fire and contact a priest. If they threaten you with a spell, do not worry. It will be no more effective than a prayer or curse coming from anyone else. So if you do get run over by a cement truck while opening a letter from the IRS informing you of an impending audit right after your house burned down, remember, it is only coincidence and/or your own stupidity. Kicking the midget wiccan probably had nothing to do with it.
