New Year's Day
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
New Year's Day is stupid.
New Year's Day, an artificial celebration created by American liquor manufacturers, is used as an excuse to party irresponsibly, get shitfaced and make drunken New Year's Resolutions that you have no intention of keeping. With the advent of the digital camera, it has become easier than ever before to remind partygoers of the goings-on the previous evening; and, as pictures of their shame are plastered all over various and sundry Internet message boards - you can help ensure they never forget again.
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New Year's Traditions
Shaming
One of the new fads screaming around college campuses and subsequently making its way into the mainstream wherever alcohol is being consumed in excess (re: New Year's) is the fine art of shaming, in which a hapless partygoer who has passed out is subject to having various objects superglued/painted/placed on their face/body. Pictures are then taken to increase the hilarity. Everyone involved (except for the victim, of course) will enjoy this immensely. It is also good for society, as the target of the abuse will likely swear never to drink again and will become a productive member of society, instead of a drunken schlub.
Fireworks
All New Year's celebrations end in fireworks. If you don't have any available because your state doesn't allow their possession, feel free to use a gun to fire shots in the air. Granted, if you live in a densely populated area, your bullets are likely to hail down on some unsuspecting partygoer, but they will be drunk anyway and therefore less likely to notice.
Dick Clark
Dick Clark has been a part of the United States' New Year's celebration since sometime before 1975. It has been noted on more than one occassion by the media that Dick Clark is in poor health of late, but there is no reason for worry. Stephen Hawking and Ray Kurzweil are working on an indestructable and terrible robot duplicate of Dick which will carry on the tradition of counting down the New Year with Rock and Roll in Times Square forever and ever.
