Islam
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
Islam is stupid.
Islam, an Arabic word meaning "talks a lot of shit for somebody who can't even manage running water," is a religion established some time before 1975 by a polygamist pedophile known as Mohammed Ali, who had upwards of fifty wives and slave-girl concubines, some as young as six years old.
Islam teaches the supremacy of Allah. This supremacy can only be properly expressed in one's life by centering every single action one takes in life around Allah, to the point that every sentence it is necessary to praise Allah. It also suggested by a recent brochure that one should constantly chant that non-Muslims will be stoned to death in the end.
Allah also appreciates it when you flog, mutilate and cut yourself (and your children) in deference to His Almighty Supremacy. Allah has no truck with Jehovah, Krishna or Xenu, and you'd best not either, infidel.
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Origins
Some time before 1975, an illiterate merchant named Muhammed spent a lot of time in a cave getting away from the wife, watching the big game, and pounding a few brewskies. One day, during a really great half-time show, Muhammed was visited by an angel who gave him a bunch of textbooks and told him to start reading. Muhammed, vexed by the fact that he could not read and irritated by the fact that the book contained no pictures, refused. But after some Heavenly Hooked on Phonics, Muhammed discovered that out of all the crazy moon gods worshiped in the desert wasteland he lived in only one of them was actually real. Allah was his name, and smackdown was his game.
Muhammed took his revelation to the people, but he was so terrible that nobody took him seriously. It wasn't until his wife, a surprisingly eloquent orator, took up his cause that people took interest. Then again, she had a really nice rack.
This marks the last time a woman received any respect in the Islamic faith, so don't get used to this.
Muhammed amassed a group of droogs to do his bidding and established a village called Waco. From there he raided caravans, banged preteen girls, and generally served as an enormous IRL troll. After owning a lot of newbs and getting some phat loot, Muhammed died. Because he lacked the foresight to know that this would happen at some point, nobody knew who should be the next king of the Islams. A great sectarian divide formed.
Shi'ites and the Sunnis
Though there are more sects, these are the ones that get news coverage, and are therefore the only important ones. Note that at all times every sect is attempting to commit acts of genocide against the other. If you're in an Islamic state, be sure not to wear sect-related clothing or make any gestures that could be interpreted as sect signs. If you're involved in an act of sectarian violence, do not call that country's police, because they will also try to kill you.
Shi'ites
I'll give you a second to stop laughing at their name. Keep reading when you're done.
Christ, what are you, ten? Anyway, the Shi'ites awarded the title of King of the Islams to Muhammed Ackbar Jihad, who was Muhammed's son-in-law and cousin. Yes, he was both. Gross.
Of importance to the faith are eleven Imams. Supposedly there's a twelfth that was hidden by Allah. Think of it as one of those ridiculous side-quests in a Final Fantasy game where you pretty much need to buy a strategy guide to find that one frigging pixel that gives you access to a secret cave where there's a chest that has a 1 in 1,000 chance of giving you your character's ultimate weapon.
Sunnis
Trust me, they're not named for their disposition.
The Sunnis passed the power down to four Caliphs. They're the largest of the Islamic sects, so if something blows up you can probably just assume these guys did it. George W. Bush does.
The Social Codes of Islam
Taking a page out of the Catholic Church's playbook, the Islamic faith thought it best to reduce Allah's wrath by banning everything. No, really, everything. The following are things that are prohibited if you're a Muslim:
- Bowel movements (You must wash yourself before prayer if you engage in this sinful act...but you washed your hands anyway, right? RIGHT!?)
- Having a vagina.
- Not being blown up.
- Wearing clothing that is actually appropriate for 120 degree weather.
- Any activities that may lead to "fun" or "mirth".
- Being in the same room as another person who is not directly related to you.
- Anything even remotely sexual unless you are a married couple procreating in the missionary position. It is advised that you mutilate the woman's exterior genitalia so as not to risk the production of sinful "pleasure". Men must be blindfolded for the duration. Temporary marriages can be arranged, especially after Islamic Prom (assuming you survive the punch spiked with Anthrax).
If a man were to violate the Islamic social code, he would be subjected to the shame of having his sister gang-raped by the public under police supervision. And then maybe they would put a "KICK ME" sign on his back, if his crime was especially terrible.
The punishment for a woman breaking any law is rape. As a woman accumulates violations of Islamic law, she is awarded Rape Points, which she must redeem for the specified amount of rape at her nearest law enforcement agency. Should she fail to do so, a Rape Multiplier will come into play, increasing her Rape Points exponentially. Some countries have protested this system of justice as being abhorrent and barbaric, but if they could just see how slutty the burquas are these days they would understand that those whores deserve it.
The reward for obeying Islamic law is Heaven, where men are free to fornicate their repressed little hearts out for all eternity. As for the women, well, who else are the men supposed to rape in Heaven? Angels?
The Pilgrimage to Mecca
At least once in one's life, as a Muslim, you are required to make a pilgrimage to Mecca if you are able. Sadly, no, it has nothing to do with bi-pedal tanks that wield huge swords for some reason. Instead, it is a city where only Muslims may enter (sort of like Sam's Club). At the center is Abraham's Borg Cube, which all Muslims must pray in the general direction of every day. During the pilgrimage, Muslims cosplay as various Koranic figures in events that often coincide closely with the events of the Biblical Old Testament. So you can imagine how much fun that would be.
Muslims
If you took an Amish guy, gave him the Rage Virus from "28 Days Later", and put him in the desert then you would have a pretty good idea of what it's like to encounter your average Muslim. Muslims are required to be furious at all times, and smash things at the slightest provocation. If Bruce Banner was a Muslim, we would all be completely screwed.
Martyrs
Fortunately for the world, in Islam it is a virtue to kill oneself, as long as it involves really cool explosions. It is for this reason that Muslims are often called the Michael Bay of martyrdom. Some methods include:
- Strapping explosives to yourself/cars/dogs/children/other explosives and leaving them in areas frequented by infidels. Or, you know, anyone really. Infidels get you more points, though.
- Flying passenger jets into things. Oh wait, nevermind, that was actually the Jews.
- Making those cool soda bottle bombs with dry ice and pressing it against their faces.
- Quietly succumbing to carbon monoxide poisoning in their garages....WITH A BOMB.
- Appearing in episodes of "24".
Targets for Martyrdom
- Jews
- Christians
- Hare Krishna
- Rock bands who do really terrible unplugged albums.
- Freedom
- America
- Crying bald eagles
- Me, for writing any of this.
Warning: The Pope may have to apologize for this article. If you are the Pope, I am not sorry.
