Moses
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
Moses was stupid.
Moses initiated The Vast Jewish Conspiracy.
Contents |
Life
Moses began his career as an accountant for Egyptian mortuaries. After his employment contract expired, he became reacquainted with his dear friend G-d, who led his people to some inhospitable place called the Promised Land. In return for his help, Moses insisted that they follow the Ten Commandments and never eat shellfish. Moses also insisted that Jews never eat cheeseburgers, worship graven images, nor have premarital sex. That did, however, give rise to modern Judaic culture: Horny, hungry Jews invested the money they saved from hookers and Wendy's in mutual funds. During the Middle Ages Jews were accused of having magical powers; homosexual clergymen persecuted them in order their sordid relationships with the altar boy.
A Man with Many Faces
The Smelly Old Jew
Moses was an old, pale, dark-haired man with a crooked, protruding snout. He often wore tunics, caps, veils, scarves--typical Jew garb. Pharaoh disliked his trendy fashions; dressing like a baby-eater was popular until the fall of Rome, when the masses began dressing like silly monks and malnourished peasants. Moses and Pharaoh began to fight until Moses' friend G-man smote him, adding "You just got yo ass pawned by the Lord your God, bitch!"
The Gender Bender
Ironically, Moses, a man, is also known as Grandma Moses, a painter for cheesy holiday cards and lame Americana. Moses' apparent artistic leanings, as well as him assuming the title Grandma, led to our beloved Jew becoming the first transsexual.
The Lame Hologram--The HAL-9000 Wannabe
Recently, Moses has taken the form of a hologram. He resides inside a laboratory where superheroes Joseph Smith, Buddha, and Confucius maintain their religious headquarters. Generally, nothing happens during their meetings except recapping the latest conversion statistics and how Jehovah smote disbelievers and the French.
Dementia
Moses frequently claimed that the Dark Lord spoke to him through a burning shrub. While some would consider this action to be a miracle, what is more miraculous is that he was able to get hold of and smoke that kind of shit back then.
