Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is stupid.
Colloquially known as Mormons, LDS folks believe in Joseph Smith and the revelation that God gave to him from reading the text after heating The One Ring. According to Smith, he nicked the ring from a local store, and concealed it inside his magic hat. He then heated the ring in the fire, and proceeded to read thousands of pages of the ring, written in a special language that only he understands.
While according to non-mormons and others that aren't Joseph Smith, Joseph Smith was most likely a victim of shrooms. Shrooms were very plentiful in the area of upstate New York Joseph Smith was from, so it is very possible that shrooms were the reason that Joseph Smith had a conversation with a magical salamander that presented him the book of Mormon written on gold tablets. This is also how he came to the revelation to up and gather all of his people and move to a gigantic dessert where the only body of water is The Great Salt Lake and call it "the promise land". Other strange facts about mormons are; CJC LaDS wear special underwear and like to get naked and rub each other down with oil, but only when it is old men touching young boys. Otherwise being naked is a cardinal sin and will lead to immediate excommunication or execution.
Seth is a Mormon.
Fun Fact: Martin Scorcese, John Lennon, and Michael Jackson lived in a huge house together while they all were attending the Mormon founded Brigham Young University.
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Mormonism as a theology
Mormon theology was invented sometime before 1975 by Joseph Smith, when he went to a local Neo Baptist Reformist Of the Cross meeting while high on opium. He told his friend Oliver that he could TOTALLY come up with a better religion than the shit that this pastor was blathering on about, and made a bet that he could start his own religion. His first draft involved a theology surrounding Xenu, a glactic overlord that sealed people in volcanoes and made them watch bad movies for thousands of years. However, he figured this was too stupid for even the most gullible of celebrities to swallow, so instead opted for writing a book about a bunch of Jews who went to America and colonized it.
Jesus is thrown in there as well, seeing as he was a pretty popular dude at the time. And I mean seriously, who doesn't love Jesus? If you don't love Jesus you are probably gay or molest children or something. The Lord loves everyone who doesn't stick their penis in other mens' anuses.
Typical Mormon doctrines
Nature of God
God is a highly arbitrary son of a bitch that gets pissed off about all kinds of things. He calls a bunch of people who are trying to worship him an "abomination", says that only Mormons are going to heaven, and condemns black people to hell. Thankfully, his son Jesus is a cool dude and much better at PR, and just talks about how he loves everyone and that we'll all be happy in the next life if we get dunked and follow him to his rainbow happy paradise filled with koalas and teddy bears.
Jesus Christ
Jesus Christ is the PR wing of God's operation, and a member of the Holy Trinity: God, Jesus, and Casper. Since God is a hardass, heartless, cruel bitch, it was Jesus' job to make his whole plan sound not so bad with a little spin about "love" and "redemption". Jesus was even willing to go so far as to allow himself to be nailed to a dead tree by some Jews to make God happy, and to pay for our sins. Remember that one time in college when you totally porked that one fat chick and gave her your wrong phone number, and a year later you saw her in the grocery store with a three month old baby, and you ran the hell out of the grocery store before she saw you? Thanks to Jesus, God isn't going to totally spank your ass and send you to hell after you die for doing that shit.
Of course Jesus will only save you if you either become Mormon, or if one of your decendants convert to Mormonism and is dunked for you on your behalf while you are rotting in the ground.
Salvation
Being saved in Mormonism is easy. First, you have to get baptized, then you have to stop drinking coffee and tea, stop smoking and injecting heroin and other illegal drugs into your system, give 10% of your income to Jesus' church, stop having sex with people you aren't married to (including your right hand), stop looking at porn, stop drinking alcohol, stop reading websites with subversive content, give up your love for sex with small children, wear magic underwear every day and at all times for the rest of your life, marry a Mormon or convert your spouse to Mormonism, have as many children as you or your wife can possibly conceive, and dedicate practically all of your free time to the building up of Jesus' commercial empire on earth. That's it, keep this up until you are dead and then you can go to the Celestial Kingdom and live with elves and faires and ride rainbows and catch leprechauns all day long.
Pre-mortal life, human existence, and the afterlife
Despite their prudishness, Mormonism is really all about sex. Basically, God is busy banging the shit out of his wife (she's not mentioned much) and creating billions and billions of spirit children. When we have sex here on earth and the sperm meets the egg, therefore causing a line to appear in the window, one of God's spirit children (your brother or sister) is squeezed in there. This is why abortion is a sin. This may sound a bit incestuous but God knows what he's doing, ok? So stop questioning it or you'll go to hell.
While on earth we do a bunch of shit, and then we die. After we die we go to one of three kingdoms, or not:
- Celestial Kingdom - For good Mormons only, it's a really cool place where you romp around in the daisy field with your whole family and enjoy the bliss of the afterlife. If you take night class, you can also learn to be a God yourself and start banging the shit out of YOUR spirit-wife (you can only stay with her if you get that Temple Marriage!) and create millions of spirit-crotch-droppings and make a planet or two for them to populate, as well.
- Terrestial Kingdom - If you're a good guy but just can't handle the Jesus, you go here. This is reserved for Southern Baptists, Hindus, and good Scientologists. It's a pretty nice place where everyone has a pet unicorn, but you can't be married or go to the Friday Potluck.
- Telestial Kingdom - Whores, thieves, liars, Nazis, Brian Peppers, and other undesirables go here. It's a pretty nice place, but you get an SUV instead of a unicorn, and the only sport allowed is Beach Volleyball.
- Outer Darkness - If you really piss off God, usually by being Satan's buddy after God told you how much he loves and respects you after you drive him home after that one night at the bar, and you go ahead and join Satan's gang anyway. You will spend eternity in a cheap motel room right next to the ice machine with a television that only plays reruns of Stanford and Son.
Scripture
- The Bible is considered to be a pretty good but fundamentally flawed book thanks to conspiring people and evil monks with bad handwriting. Joseph Smith rewrote a bunch of it, and most Mormon editions of the Bible have his additions as footnotes, as if they altered the text, the missionaries would lose arguments with Jehova's Witnesses, who changed the Bible to include references to Siegfried & Roy and include the founder's favorite recipies for chicken pot pie.
- The Book of Mormon is considered to be the unadulurated word of God as given through ancient prophets right before being stabbed with a spear.
- Any revelation or official statement by a prophet-president is considered scripture. Most of these revelations are given while drunk during the church's General Conference
Mormonism's beliefs about other Christian and non-Christian religions
Other Christian religions are abominations in the sight of God. Sorry, He said so Himself. You really don't want to know about non-Christian religions.
Polygamy and early Mormonism
It is common knowledge that if you walk around outside in most places today, you will see a woman wearing a bonnet with 50 kids in tow. These are Mormon polygamists, and are generally one of an average of 27.3 wives of their husband.
Recent Development
Recently, it's become pretty clear that The Book of Mormon is total crap and made up, and BYU is constantly making up all kinds of wacky shit to try and justify it. There are rumours that the Church is considering removing the passages about leprechauns since they are harder to prove with each passing decade.
External links
Official denominational websites
- LDS.org: the official website of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and the only 100% Jesus-Approved Website on the Internet(TM).
- Community of Christ: official website of the Community of Christ, a cheap knockoff of Mormonism. (Swear to God, this was copied right off of the Wikipedia page word-for-word).
- Ex-Mormon Dot Org: A bunch of ex-Mormons and Mormons masquarading as ex-Mormons get together and participate in the same drama that exists inside the church, as they have come to realize that the church isn't true but still want to participate in the same backbiting and gossiping that they know and love from their years as Mormons.
- Exmo-Social: A bunch of ex-Mormons who found Ex-Mormon Dot Org too restrictive and conservative get together to discuss genital piercings, orgies, naked pictures, and how everyone should just be liberal.
- The Treehouse: Even more ex-mormons who found Exmo-Social too restrictive get together and really stick it to "The Church" by discussing anal rape, baboon sex, and a number of variations of the word "semen."
