Midget
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
Midgets are stupid.
Midgets claim to be human but, there's controversy surrounding these extraordinary claims.
Contents |
Physical Characteristics
Genetics
In fact, scientists are in almost universal agreement that midgets are genetically modified soybeans. Originally, midget populations emerged near nuclear disaster sites. The largest concentrations are found near Chernobyl, Ukraine. Due to their incessant breeding, midgets have adapted to most terrestrial environments. Scientists are currently researching the midget genome; however, this has been difficult since genes mutate at varied rates. Midgets contain sixteen pairs of chromosomes, three of which affect eyebrow thickness and shoe size.
Mating
Due to their size, midgets are unable to copulate among regular-sized folk. Instead, midgets require stem cells from their mates to be injected through their navels. These cells then develop into buds; after three hours, the litter drops from their parent's navel. The mortality rate is exceptionally high; approximately one from every seventeen thousand reaches maturity. Of course, midgets produce several litters during their average lifespan--an estimated seven years.
Identification
They're not Irish.
Midgets are distinguished from leprechauns because they're not Irish. These speak coherently, unlike the inane babble typically heard from their rainbow-chasing brethren. As such, paleontologists speculate there's a missing link between midgets and leprechauns. Recent evidence indicates that interbreeding between the groups occurred sometime before 1975; this might have occurred prior to the Great Potato Famine, when leprechauns were driven to near extinction.
They're short.
Midgets tend to range from two and three feet in height.
In the Workplace
A midget's stature prevents advancement in most careers; advocates encourage separation, as midgets tend to be trampled in most sporting events. Still, midgets have become prominent in some occupations: Film extras, objects in tossing competitions and Santa's elves.
Admirers
Fetishists, J. R. R. Tolkien and director Peter Jackson worship midgets. This should not be confused with pedophilia as molestation is not involved. Rather, these admirers spontaneously develop abnormal psychological attractions to liliputian nerds clad in medieval garb.
Notable Midgets
Bilbo Baggins, Hobbit.
Gary Coleman, actor.
Cradle of Filth, entire band.
Willow, Midget, actor and red-headed stepchild to boot.
