Metal
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
Metal is stupid.
Metal is a genre of music, accidentally created sometime before 1975 by Ozzy Osbourne and his band. It's basically a kind of heavier and gayer rock'n'roll that developed and branched itself in over 1,000 subgenres, all "different" and full of Shiite fans that are willing to kill all fans of other subgenres.
However, no matter how many divisions there are, it's always all about long haired white men with tight leather pants.
Contents |
Overview
Metal is a type of underground music, which means its fans really work their asses off to listen to this shit. Metal fans are known as metalheads or headbangers, because of their habit of banging their heads against the walls up and down, in a way that kills braincells - which is mandatory if you want to enjoy this type of music.
People become attracted to the style during their teenage years, and, if not treated (slapped) soon, may never heal. This means they may end up becoming a metalhead for the rest of their lives. Metalheads are more than happy to fill up their HD space with shitty mp3s from unknown bands, while spending their whole salaries buying CDs and going to shitty concerts. Old metalheads are a rare, but distressing and somewhat pathetic sight, and are thought to give bad luck to those who see them.
The larger part of the metalhead demographics is male, more exactly nerdy males and social rejects. This doesn't mean there aren't metalhead girls, though. There are, but they are rare and they're usually either way too fat or way too thin. Some sluts can also be found, but don't be fooled: they're not real metalheads, they're just there, pretending to like metal because they like long haired guys - possibly because it makes them look like girls. However, most headbangers are either too dumb or too pansy to actually get some pussy: they prefer to spend long hours discussing crucial subjects like "What band is cooler? Iron Maiden or Judas Priest?", drink beer and trying to look evil, leaving these poor girls to have their fun all on their own - like in this video.
Types
Since metal is famous worldwide, from its Mother nation to third world countries and the Middle East, it's natural that it'll spawn many subgenres. They all sound pretty much the same though, but never ever tell that to a metalhead unless you want to hear a fucking lecture on the subject.
Heavy Metal
One of the first subtypes, it attracts either 14-year-olds or 40-year-olds. It is loud, with high-pitched music and vocals, and annoying, the songs usually being stuffed with solos to mask bad songwriting skills. It's not atypical for band members to be clad in leather or loincloth. Songs are usually about history classes, being macho or about how great metal is.
Power Metal
Heavy Metal on steroids. It's faster, even higher pitched and more annoying. Since most bands usually come from European countries were English isn't the first language, which is why their singers have really sucky pronunciation. The bands' method of composition usually involves playing a Dungeons and Dragons campaign and then writing the albums about it. Power Metallers have a hard time telling the difference between fantasy and reality, so they think they're knights, elves or pirates. For obvious reasons, it's the most famous genre among nerds.
Thrash Metal
Metal played by pissed off Americans in 1984. They were pissed off because they were poor, so they wanted to reflect it on their music. It died somewhere in the 90's because the bands either totally ran out of ideas or got rich. Regardless it's a genre that still has fans nowadays. They can be easily identified by being older and wearing tight pants and denim jackets with band logos sewn on them.
Hair Metal
Also called Glam Metal, Glam Rock or 80's Hard Rock, Hair Metal is characterized by really stupid - you guessed it - hair. Liters upon liters of hairspray are used by the bands to give that awesome effect, as well as lots of make up to make them look like whores. The music sounds like... who cares about the music anyway? for some reason, this is the only metal subgenre where people actually get some, so nobody gives a fuck what it sounds like.
Progressive Metal
Invented in 1984 it is metal played by snotty Berkeley graduate virtuosos. Common elements are "abstract" lyrics, concept albums and songs that are always very long and difficult as hell to play, which is what drives prog metal fans to have multiple orgasms. It's successful among nerds that are not only nerdy but anal-retentive too. Everybody else thinks it's boring as hell.
Folk Metal
Metal about being Irish, a troll or a viking. Accompanies fiddle and bagpipes.
Death Metal
UUUUUUURRRRRR... GRAAAAAWLLLLLBLAH.... BLARRRRRGH BLAAAAAHHHH! MUUUUURRRRR BLAH BLARRRRGH BLAH! GRRRUUUURRRR GLAAAAARRRRMMMMM BLAAAAAAARGH DAAAAAAAAAAAAH! DURRRRR DAAAAAAH UUUUUURRRRGH!
Black Metal
Like Power Metal, Black Metallers are also RPG playing nerds, except that their Dungeon Master lets them play as demons, trolls and orcs. This is the result of a very sad case of mental delusion. Stay away from these guys.
Doom Metal
When Death Metal was invented, some hippie got really pissed off because all his friends were listening to it and he went, like: "Woa, man... this music is too, like, you know... fast and... angry and... stuff." so he invented the slow, slow, slow Doom Metal. When bands of the genre aren't ripping off Black Sabbath, they play 30 bpm songs with violins and cookie monster vocals about being sad. It's the only genre that is actually more boring than progressive metal, which is why it is also the only genre that doesn't have fans.
Gothic Metal
Take some 80's pop shit, some watered down Doom, Black and Death Metal and some crazy bitch screaming/howling all over the place and you've got Gothic Metal. Lyrics are your typical goth poetry in faux-olde English about love, sadness, darkness and being a vampire. As you might imagine, it's popular among goths, particularly gothic girls and metalheads who think the vocalists are hot.
Industrial Metal
Mixture between metal and electronic music. For some reason, it comes from Germany, so nobody actually knows what the lyrics are about as Germans refuse to sing in English. Another goth favorite because it has a beat to which goths can do their dry-hump dances.
Stoner Metal
Stoner Metal... man, it's like... you know..."oh, man... I'm so high right now... I have no idea what is going on..."
Nu Metal
The bastard child. Old-school metalheads hate it and with reason: if Metal by itself is already stupid, then Nu Metal is four times stupid as it mixes Metal, Pop, Rap and Punk. It's very popular among teenagers.
Others
Now, there's the cool part: you can actually combine the subgenres above to form new subgenres of metal! Hooray!
For example:
- Power Metal + Progressive Metal = something that manages to piss off you and make you sleepy at the same time!
- Gothic Metal + Doom Metal = slow, boring music that somehow appeals to girlies (making it the only type of Doom that actually has fans).
- Black Metal + Gothic Metal = Cradle of Filth!!
- Thrash Metal + Emo = Metalcore, that is, music that tries to sound tough, but always end up breaking down in tears.
Isn't that just fantastic?
Categories: Music | Religion | Gay | GoldStar Articles
