Martin Luther King
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
Martin Luther King is stupid.
Martin Luther King Jr. is one of the most revered figures in the history of the United States of America. He is credited with spearheading the civil rights movement, and therefore helping in no small way to gain racial equality for all those of African American descent. Fortunately for you, we know these tales to be lies and slander.
Contents |
The Truth about his Early Life
Martin Luther King Jr. was born in Berlin, Germany sometime before 1975, in the closing days of World War II. He was the son of Adolf Hitler and Selikwa Chocolate Patent Leather Ebony Brown, a black prostitute. He was adopted by Martin Luther, a Catholic priest, who would later go on to start the protestant reformation. His best buddies were Gliepold Kaufman and Reinhard Krintzler. Martin Luther King Jr. was a very white child. He and his friends would often go stomping through the forest, crushing all the black people they saw. One day, the good fairy appeared, and told them to stop doing this, or she would turn him black. The next day the three friends went out stompin through the forest, crushing all the black people they saw. The good fairy appeared, and said "MLK! If you don't knock this shit off, I'll turn your skanky white ass black." The next day though, the three friends went out stomping through the forest, kicking all the blacks with their Nazi jackboots. The good fairy appeared, and turned MLK black. At this point, he popped 'bout eight caps in her ass. He was arrested and carted off to America, and that was the end of his childhood.
The Truth about The KKK Movement
For a while, Martin was in denial about his skin color. He disguised himself by shaving all his hair off and powdering his skin white. He also drank heavily and made outrageous bets. Sometime before 1975, he opened up a bagel shop. Lacking the proper materials for the art of bagelry, young Martin decided to use his own feces and cat hair. After his customers had taken a bite or two, they generally spit on the ground and told him that was the worst crap they had ever eaten. To this Martin wittily replied "You're full of shit. I happen to know that is the best crap you have ever eaten." He then would pop 'bout eight caps in dey ass.
The Truth about the Civil Rights Movement
Anyway, lets get back to that habit that MLK had of making crazy bets. One day, after a long, hard day of drinking, Martin was relaxing at a bar. Suddenly, Jedi Master Ki-Adi-Mundi appeared. Martin knew immediately, by the size of the penis on his head alone, that he had to listen to this wise one. "Martin! Martin! Baker's Man! How many people can you fit in your mouth?" Martin jumped up and shouted "Let's see" as he started to eat his friends, and then the other white people in the bar. "1! 2! 3! 4! 5! 6!...53!" He had eaten every one in the bar, including Penishead, and Kaufman. He then was so exhausted that he just had to sit down. By this time he had worked up such a sweat that his powder had come off. Some passing black people saw that he had defeated whitey, and was now having a "sit in" at the bar. Thus was the civil rights movement started.
The Truth about his Assassination
After that bet, MLK had of course aquired huge amounts of midi-chlorians, and was now a total badass Jedi Master. He could do all sorts of stuff. He singlehandedly started and ended the civil war when he accidentally passed some gas after a luxurious meal. He felt that he could do anything. Unfortunately, with great power come greatly screwed up dreams. His dreams were so bad that he called up a bunch of therapists and told them about it. They all met for discussion in Washington, D.C. Unfortunately a bunch of black people mistook this for a civil rights rally, and his discussion of dreams as a metaphorical statment.
Another time, he made another crazy bet with his buddy Krintzler. He wanted to see how many pounds of lead he could ingest into his cranium through an open wound. He went to Memphis, having complete faith that his Jedi powers would save him. He lined up with his buddy for the bet. Krintzler laughed and said "I don't know about this, buddy. I might hurt you with this." MLK powered up his lightsaber and said "YOU WILL TRY!" Krintzler opened fire while Martin stood stock still, seemingly invincible. Unfortunately, Jedi are allergic to bullets. Thus died Martin Luther King, Jr.
That is why, on MLK day every year, we hang black people, eat feces bagels, don nazi jackboots and have Star Wars marathons.
Written by J.P.Wiggin with contributions from ColdSoup
