Mall
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
Malls are stupid
A mall is a place where identical stores sell identical jeans for very non-identical prices. Malls are places where large groups of whores, fatties, and retards hang out with their friends. Most malls are owned by Arnold Schwarzenegger or Oprah.
Where would I find a mall?
Malls usually spring up anywhere lots of asshat sociopaths congregate. One day that particular location will be a beautiful national park filled with inspiring sights, the beauty of nature, and virgin forests; the following day, Joan Baez and Daryl Hannah will be trying to be attention whores by living in one of the three remaining trees and spouting shitty poetry about how great the environment is; and on the third day, the bulldozers finally allow the land to be cultivated into the future sight of a commercial cesspool. Isn’t capitalism great?
What is there to do at a mall?
You could, like most normal people, just hang out and buy some shitty jeans from The Gap and the new Hilary Duff CD; however, that minuscule expenditure would be far too expensive for you both mentally and monetarily. You’ll probably just hang out in front of the Hot Topic for ten hours and make fun of the people who actually buy the care bear t-shirts for £20. What fucking morons!
Who the hell needs this many fucking jeans?
Every single store at the mall sells jeans. No, I’m serious, every single-fucking-store. Even the candy store sells “gummy jeans”. This is because everyone’s ass is constantly changing sizes, probably because they’ve been eating so many gummy jeans and shitty pizza from Sbarro. While you are at the mall, you will probably see at least twenty people’s asses change size while shopping. This means that the jeans they just bought five minutes ago no longer fit, so they have to go back to the Abercrombie and Fitch, find jeans that fit their unnaturally humongous rear-ends, and shelve out 50 quid for jeans that some third world kid was probably paid in orange rind to put together.
The store only sells ten items, but no one can help you find anything.
Sometimes it can be difficult to find jeans that fit your elephantine ass. You will need to walk up to one of the escaped mental patients who walks the floors and ask her whether or not they have some that will fit your enormous behind. This question will probably blow the employee’s mind, and they will respond something along the lines of “Size 32 jeans? I don’t think we carry that particular size, sir.” You then explain to her that your size is one of the most common on the planet. Then she has to call another one of her moron coworkers (who’s too stupid to be put out on the actual floors) to assist her. They then have an argument as to if they see that particular size in the back or not. (They won’t find it in the back, these people couldn’t find a retard at the Special Olympics.) Then they will tell you that if you fill out a form the store can send you your jeans through the mail, but the whole reason you didn’t buy the fucking jeans online and save yourself the hassle of driving to the mall was so you could make sure they fit your bulbous ass. Then they tell you to come back in a few days when they get their shipment in, by which they mean, “I’m going on break because the mental energy you’ve just caused me to expend is more than I usually use in an entire year.” Good luck getting your jeans now fatty!
You better buy it quick, in five minutes this place is gonna be a Starbucks.
Every store in the mall is slowly but surely becoming a Starbucks, or at least is having a Starbucks put inside or near the cosmetics department. Apparently, shit-heads buy more stupid shit when they’re caffeinated. This is probably due to the fact that drinking is the first step in pissing, and caffeine makes people piss more frequently, so when people buy shit from the Starbucks they piss themselves and then need to buy clean, un-urinated in jeans. Unless pissing yourself becomes a fashion trend (which, thanks to the success of Diablo Cody, it probably will), both starbux and the stores in the mall can expect an increase in revenue and the world can expect to go to hell.
When you're done shopping, be sure to eat some shitty food too!
Once you've handed over your life savings to all the corporate asshats, you'll probably be wanting a snack for being such hard working retard. Luckily, most malls have Food Courts somewhere inside of their 5,000,000 square kilometer shitfest. Unfortunately, the jack-off morons who work at these take away food restaurants have about half the IQ of their floorwalker counterparts. They can't get it into their minuscule brains that you don't want to pay twenty pence more for a fucking bread stick and a slightly larger diet coke.
Once you've dealt with the extremely unhelpful food service workers, you will be forced to overcome the second trial of the mall food court: finding a god-damned table. Apparently everyone in the world needs to eat their weight in pizza before they leave the mall and head back to their identical houses in their identical neighborhoods filled with their identical children named Jason and Jennifer. This problem of magnitude is made worse by the fact that these people's asses are growing at an unbelievable rate and carrying the jeans they've been buying also requires them to expend a small amount of energy so they need to eat at least 5,000,000 calories to make up for the 2 they just burned. Which means that not only are their a hell of a lot of people, there are a hell of a lot of really, really fucking fat people carrying gigantic bags of urine soaked jeans and shoveling deep fried chicken's assholes into their gaping mouths while shouting at their moronic friends on their mobiles. Since these people never seem to fucking leave their seats, you'll probably have to eat your Sbarro pizza while you walk back to your car. Man, I fucking hate the mall.
