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Earth Day is stupid.
 Hippies take a huge dump on our planet to celebrate their love of Earth Day Earth day is the creation of Hippies and Retards to celebrate their symbolic misunderstanding of
science. Typically celebrated by postponing the burning of plastics and chemicals until tomorrow, not flushing or wiping all day and by smoking absurd amounts of marijuana.
Reasons Earth Day is for you
Do you hate capitalism? Do you smell bad? Do your friends tell you you're stupid? Do most of your 'projects' and 'plans' involve telling someone to stop whatever they're doing? Then Earth Day is for you, you fucking loser. You don't have to do anything other than announce that you're doing something and look down on people who actually do things. It's the one day of the year you can feel justified in not wiping your ass and not going to work.
Origins of Earth Day
 Would you listen to someone named Gaylord? I didn't think so. Earth Day was founded by U.S. Senator Gaylord Nelson. No, really his name was Gaylord.
In 1939 he received a Bachelor of Arts from San Jose State College in California. Two words: Cow College.
He was a brother of the Pi Kappa Phi fraternity, a group whose academic focus was "greek action" and "pre-teens" which later qualfied him to have other bad ideas.
As a founding member of the American Nazi Party, Nelson viewed the stabilization of the nation's population as an important aspect of environmentalism. In his words: The bigger the population gets, the more serious the problems become…. We have to address the population issue. The United Nations, with the U.S. supporting it, took the position in Cairo in 1994 that every country was responsible for stabilizing its own population. It can be done. But in this country, it's phony to say "I'm for the environment but not for limiting immigration."[1]
In his own words, he encourages us all to "keep the filthy sub-human jooz living in poverty by generating an ignorant voting block devoted to a mythical nemesis such as, oh, I don't know, maybe something horrendously silly, like maybe, Global Warming! Oh yeah! (puff) That's good. Write that down. They'll swallow that. (puff) Now all we need is some dumb ass liberal spokesperson." Dunh Dunh Duhhhh!
Modern Observation
Earth day is a crock, so trying to find something to do is difficult. But there are ways you can help the planet.
- Make up a facts and convince everyone of their compelling truth. Use words like "Global Heating" and "Peak Oil" and imply that your listeners are stupid for not already knowing about these made up topics.
- Replace 'standard' light bulbs with newer, more expensive, hazardous light bulbs. Espeically look for those with mercury or other poisonous gases.
- Hold it. All Day. If you have to go, do not wipe.
- Wear a ribbon. This proves that you're doing something while proving that you're doing nothing.
- Eat a steak. Steaks are delicious and since you're not helping anyway, you may as well BBQ something.
- Most importantly, buy a Prius. Make no down payment. This will maximize the negative effect on the economy when you eventually file for bankruptsy. This single investment will impress your eco-goober friends, only cause real pollution way way over there, and the expired battery will eventually contaminate the drinking water thereby giving you something to protest a few years from now.
Controversy
Many "scientists" and "professors" and "educated people" believe that issues like Global Heating and energy efficiency are stupid. Ignore science and plow forward with things you've heard or made up. Did you see an Indian crying on TV when you were a kid? Then take action by failing to take action!
Al Gore
 Al Gore give thumbs up to being a douche. On Earth Day, you can too! Al Gore makes his living by telling you that you're doing something wrong. Be it Global Heating or probably other made up eco-nonsense, he espouses all of the worthy tenets of Earth Day, including stupidity and smelling bad. A common misconception in America is that Chelsea Clinton is the unholy butt-baby of Janet Reno and Bill Clinton; this is a lie. Al Gore and Gaylord Nelson actually 'fathered' her on the first Earth Day and later sold her to the Clintons in exchange for the VP position in the Clinton White House. Think about it. Could anything else explain these two horrifying tastes that crap on your day together?
Take Back the Day
Many, many people hate Earth Day and have found ways to fight back. The advantage of fighting back is that you are actually doing something as opposed to the pro Earth Day Ass-hats who do nothing. Retards may not rule the night, but they certainly rule Earth Day. Fight back:
- Spray soapy water on a Hippie.
- Burn old tires. Bonus points for first filling them with aerosol cans. Not the new earth-friendly ones, the old plastic ones with freon and baby seal skins (for freshness... ah the good old days).
- Shove Big Macs down the throats of vegetarians.
- Turn on every appliance in the house. Follow by turning up the heat and opening all the doors and windows.
- Let your car idle in the driveway all day. Diesel for the win.
- Picket recycling centers.
- Buy shiny products containing lot and lots of packaging and Styrofoam.
- Burn the Styrofoam and return the items.
- Take a page from the Clinton White House and fill that hole in her 'o-zone' with as many cigars as you can find. "MMMMM tastes good," has never sounded so sweet.
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