Magic Johnson
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
Magic Johnson is Stupid
There are many tall tales of Magic Johnson. Apparently he had a very large penis which could perform tricks that no other human penis could. There are stories of his extraordinary penis doing tricks in front of large audiences in Los Angeles in 1984. Translated from English street slang the name literally means 'Magic Penis' or 'Penis that can dunk'.
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Early Years
Julius Earvin Preston "Magic" Jimbo Johnson was born sometime before 1975. He was 7 feet tall and weighed 3 thousand pounds at the time of birth. His entire family died during the birth of this behemoth. It is said that the amount of blood and placenta drowned everyone in the hospital room. Only Magic was tall enough to survive, and thus his nickname was born. As a boy Magic would be known as the neighborhood colored boy, or darky. He would hide at night and perform magic tricks for all the little white girls in his neighborhood.
College Life
While attending Clown College Magic learned a whole new bag of tricks including globe-trotting. Or what is known now as Basketballing. The art of taking a ball and bouncing it about a million times a day. It is also in college where Magic discovered his best trick of all. AIDS.
AIDS
After creating a magic trick so powerful that it could wipe out the entire human race through the act of sex. Magic set out on a career in Basketball. He wanted so badly to get away from AIDS that he used Basketball to pay the AIDS to leave his body and take a trip around the world. Which he could only afford if he made millions of dollars as a Los Angeles Laker.
L.A. Lakers
The L.A. Lakers had a strict policy of only allowing blacks with AIDS to play on their team. So Magic had to convince everyone that he still had the disease that he created. Of course no one seemed to question that since he fucked so many women. The 'Laker Girls' would also suck every player on the team's penis at practice to make sure they all had AIDS. Paula Abdul was assigned to Magic Johnson since she was the dirtiest whore on the team. Again Earvin's Magic Johnson saved his life and kept him from contracting AIDS ever again. He was an OK basketball player but it's rumored he had a hard time whenever he played 'birds' whatever that means.
Fame and Fortune
Magic was really fucking famous after playing basketball and he could'nt get away. David Copperfield stole all of his tricks and left magic with nothing but a pair of tube socks, some short shorts, and a the ability to do a layup. He decided to retire in 1984 and he showed everyone the moon.
Life After Death
After dying several times Magic Johnson keeps coming back to life and is in fact a zombie. David Copperfield haunts his dreams and Magic still curses the day they ever slept together, even though he wears David's old dress shirt with the merlot stain on the lapel to bed every night. Though they will never be together in life, maybe in death they will find some peace. Magic wrote a book depicting his elaborate plan to kill David Copperfield, eat his brains, and live forever as the zombie prince that he truly is. Though he keeps dying, Magic will surely someday see that these plans are fulfilled. Sadly his magic penis fell off during a resurrection and he is now simply known as Magic The Johnsonless Zombie.
