Judiasm
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
Judiasm is stupid.
It is religion for Jews based around worshipping God but not saying his name. This makes things very difficult. There are lots of rules to remember, and even books of interpretations of those rules. This is why Jews end up being Accountants and Lawyers a lot--they're used to it. They also have to wear hats.
Judiasm is notable also for having no concept of Heaven or Hell, or any afterlife at all. As the world's oldest religion, you'd think the subject would have come up.
It is also known as having a sequel religion, Christianity, which seems to be more popular than the original.
Contents |
History
Patriarchs
After diddling around making the Earth, kicking man out of Paradise, and drowning damn near everybody, God decided to settle down and get a bunch of goat herders to worship just him. He decided he was pretty much sure he wanted this one goat herder, Abraham, to be his main man. However, God was apparently not totally sure, despite his omniscience. So God put him through some tests, including having Abraham kill his own son. Even after killing his son, Abraham hadn’t totally convinced God that he was to be the founder of his religion. So God invented extreme hazing and then had Abraham cut off a little of his penis. God was like, “Woah, ok you proved it to me. You get to be the ancestor of all of Jews for all eternity.”
Egypt
At one point the Jewish wives harassed their husbands into working in the booming funeral monument industry in Egypt. They thought it would give them better social standing than just being the wives of goat herders. Unfortunately this caused a glut in the market, and drove down the wage to nothing. Not next to nothing, but actually zero. The Jews, stuck in employment contracts for a wage of zero, formed a trade union and put Moses at the head of it. Moses led the Jews to strike, but the Egyptian management didn't budge. Moses, then a skilled labor leader, put some mafia style incentives to management. Management finally gave up after Moses said, “It was a real shame to what happened to your kid…I hope it doesn’t happen to some other members of your family.” The Egyptians finally got the hint to let the Jews out of their employment contract and asked them to please leave.
Moses then went up on a mountain and tossed down the Ten Commandments,a kind of Judiasm constitution.
After 40 years of putzing around in the desert, the Jews decided what they needed was a nation. They pick a nice spot near Mount Doom, kill all the other goat herders there and put their funeral monument building skills to use in setting up a temple and to overcook animals to please God there. They find out God thinks pork is nasty and is allergic to shellfish. Jewish cuisine adopts the same rules in order to not piss off God. They write lots more rules of what not to do just in case any of those things might also piss off God.
Jews get Conquered
After they heard about the no pork or shellfish thing , everybody else in the world thought the Jews are snotty sissies and line up to conquer them. God was apparently busy in another galaxy setting up another worship deal with Alien goat herders. When God gets back apparently several different group of people have been kicking Jew ass, and the Jews were getting a little scattered and bitching about how much things suck. The Romans were in charge then.
The Not Jewish Part
God sent his kid to straighten up this mess. The Kid didn’t solve the Jews being conquered problem, gets killed in the process, and accidently sets up Christianity. Jews see this doesn’t do dick for them and declare their Bible finished.
Jews get Conquered some more
Jews finally figured out they aren’t cut out for this kingdom management stuff and ended up going into the finance, accountancy, and diamond merchant trades. Pissed off the popularity of Christianity, which they mockingly called Judiasm light, they wrote Judiasm for Dummies, calling it the Talmud. The book was a dismal failure and makes Judiasm even more complicated than before.
Beliefs
The belief system of Judiasm is extremely primitive, but what do you expect for something from a bunch of goat herders 6000 years ago? The Basic belief system is:
1.) God is great and terrible, love him
2.) Obey his rules or suffer the consequences
3.) If you suffer anyway, it is just a test
4.) Having lots of kids is super cool
5.) Male kids must have part of their penis cut off
6.) Teach those kids these beliefs
Rituals
They vary according to holy days, and whether or not they are extremely inconvenient. The most basic requirement is to stay home on Friday night and get drunk while whining to God how you should be richer. Saturday you need to go to a temple, listen to a rabbi read some stuff from the book of rules, and then listen to him whine about he should be richer. During Friday night and Saturday day, you can’t set anything on fire, or touch money. This helps reinforce the Judaic requirement of cheapness.
There are many holy days on the Judaic calendar, but only two anyone (but the big hat Hebes from New York and Israel) pay any attention to; Channuka and Passover.. Channuka is Jew Christmas but instead of celebrating the messiah’s birth, the end of death, and the salvation of mankind, it celebrates the exceptional bargain of long lasting lamp oil. The other holiday is Passover which celebrates their release from the funeral monument contract in Egypt with a crappy too long meal where they whine they should be richer and splashing their front door with the blood of Muslim martyrs. Overcooking a bull in temple is now become optional.
Taboos
Other than the ten commandments, there have been a lot of rules added to Judiasm. Some include:
1.) Don’t go out without a hat
2.) Don’t pay retail
3.) Don’t eat pork or shellfish
4.) Don’t stop whining
5.) Don’t date blondes
6.) Don’t upset you mother
7.) Don’t try and earn your ‘red wings’
8.) Don’t get tattoos
9.) Don’t shave your head
10.) Don’t have sex unless you plan to get somebody pregnant
Judiasm Today
With its rich history, there’s bound to be divisions. Judiasm comes in four basic flavors: Big hat Hebes from New York and Israel, Basic Jews, Reformed Jews, and Mystic Idiots
Big Hat Hebes from New York and Israel take there Judiasm in the more Jewish than thou vein. Since the rules say “Don’t go out without a hat”, they don’t go out without a BIG hat. Since the rules say don’t shave your head, the never shave anything ever despite being a rather hairy people…and on and on.
Basic Judiasm is just that, for your ordinary Jew. You know the nice Feinsteins that live up the street but can’t come to your country club type Jew. Your Matzo ball and ‘listen to your mother’ type Jew. They are frequently found on sitcoms, because Jews control the entertainment industry, especially Hollywood.
Reformed Judiasm is your intellectuals and college campus type Jews. They figured out basic Judiasm has way too many rules and where the hell are you supposed to find a bull without blemish to overcook for God nowadays anyway. Regular Jews think of them the same way Catholics view Hippie Jesus Freaks; its nice they are keeping the faith, but God forbid my daughter should date one.
Mystic Idiots: Another Jewish holy book. the Kabbalah, has some secret neat magic tricks. These are trying to figure out the magic tricks of Judiasm and ignore the rest. See: Madonna
