J. Danforth Quayle

From Encyclopedia Of Stupid

"A mind is a terrible thing to waste." How hard is that to memorise, dumbass?

James Danforth "Dan" Quayle is stupid.

Oh, sweet Jesus is he ever. Dan Quayle is a former Vice President of the United States who is most famous for not knowing how to spell the basic word "potato". Selecting him as his running mate was the single best decision George H. W. Bush ever made (admittedly not exactly beating out a heavy field of contenders for that accolade), as the seemingly inevitable impeachment or assassination, which would otherwise have ended his tenure, would in reality have left the free world in the charge of a man with the intellectual capacity and physical presence of a sock puppet with buttons for eyes called "Spike", who your parents insist is a dog even though it looks like a sock.

Some eight years after Bush left office, his son decided to demonstrate the consequences of this thought-experiment, with himself playing the role of some kind of horrific mutant hybrid of his father and his deputy.

The Potatoe Thing

Now Quayle and his defenders (and such things do exist, God only knows why) will insist that this is an urban legend, or exaggerated - the classic story has him adding an "e" on the end of the word on a blackboard, which, to be fair, isn't true. Here's the real story: Quayle was a celebrity judge at an elementary school spelling bee, the word "potato" came up, and it was actually misspelled on the official materials the Vice-President of the United States was using, prompting the second-most powerful man on Earth to correct the hapless kid who'd actually got it right. Quayle later said he was "uncomfortable" with the spelling he'd been given but didn't want to correct the official documentation provided by the Podunk Elementary School. After all, he was only the VICE-PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. Thus he conclusively proved that even if he isn't a moron, he is a pussy.

Presidential Ambitions: Oh God No

For the sake of humanity someone get him out of here

After Bush and Quayle were voted out in 1992, Quayle announced his candidacy for the 1996 Presidential Election, little understanding that the only reason George H. W. Bush was alive was to prevent such a horrifying thing as "President Quayle" from ever happening. He eventually withdrew from the race owing to the threat of mass suicides.

In 2000 he tried yet again, but he quietly withdrew after only drumming up five people to support him, three of them relatives, the remaining two simply too stupid to understand how to vote. Fans of blank-eyed morons in positions of great global power were not disappointed however, as the Republican frontrunner gained extra momentum from Quayle's withdrawal.

Also "Danforth" is the stupidest middle name I have ever seen.

Memorable Quotes

Apart from the Potatoe thing, and being a goddamned imbecile in general, Quayle is probably most famous for his oft-demonstrated complete inability to construct a coherent sentence in public. George W. Bush by comparison is almost articulate. Here is some of his greatest rhetoric:

• "Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here."

• "The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."

• "What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."

• "I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA; my answer has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."

• "One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."

• "Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."

• "The other day [the President] said, I know you've had some rough times, and I want to do something that will show the nation what faith that I have in you, in your maturity and sense of responsibility. He paused, and then said, "Would you like a puppy?"

It just goes on like this. For pages.