Hunting
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
Hunting is stupid.
Hunting is an activity popular with summer-teeth having (some 'r there, some 'r not), NASCAR-watching, trailer-living, Dixie flag flying, country music listening to, Fox News watching Republicans who are known as 'rednecks', or simply 'Bubba'. It involves these rednecks pitting themselves against wild animals in a bid for superiority and compensation for shortcomings in their physical attributes. Because hunters lack the intelligence common to your average cinder block, it is necessary for them to arm themselves with guns or arrows in order to level the playing field with their opponents.
Contents |
Early hunters
When mankind was young (barely out of Kindergarten), he needed to, as George W. Bush so eloquently put it, "put food on his family". This was no clever turn of phrase, as they actually put food on each other before they learned that it goes in their mouths. Some of the early men (the meeting didn't start for another half-hour) were standing around one day watching a lion tear into a zebra. A flaming torch lit up above one man's head, and he got the idea that humans could also eat other animals. So he went up to a zebra and bit it. After his death by zebra kick, his brother carried on the quest and, together with his cave-mates, began to consider ways to kill animals before attempting to eat them. This is considered a pivotal moment in the history of hunting.
What they came up with first was the spear, which was a simple device consisting of a straight wooden stick about 6 feet long. Preliminary tests were conducted during which the spear was hurled toward a mammoth, only to have it bounce right off, greatly angering the mammoth. After the death of the spear-chucker by mammoth stomp, the remaining cavemen decided to sharpen one end. This proved very effective, and the cavemen celebrated their first kill with a great feast while watching the Daytona 500.
The spear was under constant refinement and underwent many changes over time. They tied sharpened rocks to one end and, after disappointing early tests and further mammoth stomps, turned the spear around so that this end was pointed towards the animal when they threw it. They made spears smaller and launched them by aid of the 'bow', which is a bent stick with a line of animal sinew or vine twine tied to both ends. Still, hunting was very strenuous work, and new developments were desperately needed.
Enter the Chinese.
The advent of gunpowder
The ancient Chinese invented gunpowder so that Fourth of July celebrations would be far more colorful. One fateful day, a group of cavemen were in Beijing buying cheap toys for their childrens' Christmas presents, when one of them happened on a dark alley with a barrel of some sort way back in it. Overcome by curiosity, he grabbed a torch to investigate. After his death by violent (but colorful) gunpowder explosion, the remaining members of his group took this material back to their caves and began to fashion primitive weapons using this miraculous new substance. They called their new inventions 'guns', paying homage to the gunpowder that powers them. Early guns consisted of hollowed out trees into which a great quantity of gunpowder was placed, with large rocks inserted as a projectiles. A caveman would light the gun powder with a torch and then, after his death by exploding tree, his cohorts would come back to collect all the birds, squirrels, and monkies that fell out of the trees when the whole thing blew up.
They needed better control of these guns.
Enter the Bronze Age
Sometime before 1975 early man (we think his name was Tim) made a great discovery. He discovered that rocks in the campfire sometimes spewed forth really hot liquid that would turn hard when it cooled. Working to control the process, he soon was able to gather the liquid together and shape it before it cooled. After several decades of shaping the material into miniature replicas of the Eiffel Tower to be sold to tourists, he got the idea that the material could be used to replace the exploding tree guns, and he fashioned a gun that could not only be re-used, but aimed toward a particular target. This development represented the pinnacle of hunting and remains in use to this day.
Enter the supermarket
In 1984, Walter Piggly opened the first supermarket in Northeast central Kennebunkportvilleburgtown, Maine. Mankind no longer had to hunt to get meat. But did that stop him? No. His rationalization for continuing to engage in this unneeded, ancient pastime was modified to justify this small-penis-compensating-for activity. This eventually led to:
The Great Rationalization
Modern hunters, itself a great oxymoron (no, not the guy on the Oxy Clean commercials. It means contradiction of terms), justify their activity thusly:
'We kill (pick an animal, any animal) because if we don't, they'll overgraze the food sources and starve. So, we kill them...or they'll die.'
This rationalization was accepted by all hunters during a representative meeting at Billy Joe's 'house' one Sunday during the pre-race festivities for the 1997 UAW-GM Quality 500. It was transmitted to the rest of the hunters nationwide via carrier pigeon just prior to Billy Joe's 'house' rolling down an embankment and plunging into a canyon. After the death of these modern hunters by trailer house flattening, the remainder of the hunting populace rehearsed their Rationalization until it made sense not just to them, but also to other non-hunting Republicans, and it was accepted as fact.
The Future of hunting
The practice of hunting shows no sign of slowing down. As long as NASCAR, trailer houses, Dixie flags, and red pickup trucks whose horns play 'Dixie' remain, so will hunting. Ask any hunter what would cause him to stop hunting, and he'll say, "What?" This is because years of proximity to the firing of a gun has left him deaf. So, after you repeat the question, he'll say "You can have my gun when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers."
Which brings us to:
Tales of stupid hunter mishaps
A North Carolina hunter leaned his shotgun against a fence post in order to climb the fence. A nail in the fence post entered the trigger guard and fired the gun, causing a fatal wound to the hunter.
Two hunters were sitting on a log. One was shot in the head by his hunting companion when the victim stood up to shoot a dove, which his partner was already shooting from the sitting position.
After shooting at a deer and missing, a hunter was propelled backwards off his 15' tall tree stand (that had no safety rails or restraints) and fell to his grisly demise.
A hunter returning home from hunting grabbed his shotgun by the barrel from behind the truck seat and pulled the gun toward him. The trigger caught on something behind the seat and the gun fired, killing the hunter.
A 31-yr old bow hunter died of electrocution when he placed his tree stand on what he though was an abandoned utility pole. It wasn't.
American Vice President Cheney...
