History
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
History is stupid
All history is the retaining of facts sometime before 1975 and contains old farts doing crap that no one really cares about, not even Your mom. You have to pay attention in history class, because if you don't take the tests and pass those tests, then everyone will label you as a retard. Most cities make retards wear cardboard signs and dress like chickens and pass out coupons. Don't be that guy!
Do not think that you can learn from history to prevent the same mistakes in the future. The asshats that lived sometime before 1975 have passed down genes to their children that disable that part of the brain to squash mistakes of the past. That is why the Jews are fighting with the Muslems over New York City or some other stupid city that old farts fought over who's turn it was at the crack pipe. No one knows why this war has raged on for centeries, all we know from research is that crack pipes were invented by Japan.
Some of histories greatest idiots were Albert Einstein, Adolph Hitler, and J. Danforth Quayle. Not to mention George Washington, Queen Mary of England and Queen Mary of Scotland. Plus a butt-load of other Al Gores that no one really cares who they were or what the really did. Even Jack the Ripper was just a figment of someone's imagination to scare little kids into not going into alleys at night.
Come on, for Queen Mary of England to say that she was pregnant when she really had cancer is a stupid move. But when she married Freddy Kruger, the entire country of England decided that every man should wear a skirt, but instead of the suggest name of "Mert", this device ended up being called a "Kilt." Research shows that the "Kilt" was named after the third Earl of Kilt who killed a dragon just by throwing sheep at it.
But Queen Mary of Scotland lost her head (LITERALLY!) when Queen Elizabeth I decided that Queen Mary of Scotland, was plotting to take over her throne, therefore making the world, including Jesus pissed at Elizabeth I. Thus making Elizabeth I the only woman in the history of Royal Families unable to bear children because she would rather have sex with pigs.
I don't know why Jesus would be pissed, all he does is push a lawnmower and trim the hedges, but what the hell?? I guess that everyone is entitled to their opinion on be-headings. And besides, he's been real drunk ever since the Romans nailed him to this wooden cross thing and left him to die. Not to mention that his favorite Internet whore, Mary Magdaline, left town and went to France in order to drink a better quality of champagne. That just really drove Jesus nutso and he tried his hand at several jobs, including fruit picker, before settling down to become a lawn care specialist.
J. Danforth Quayle got all pissy when no one believed that he invented the internet and so we in the United States had to appease him and let him think that he did invent it. Just like the world had to put up with the genocide plans of Adolph Hitler when he went a little psycho and got off his medications that made him sane. But Adolph Hitler redeemed himself by inventing the vibrator. The United States is still trying to raise money for a frontal lobotomy for J. Danforth Quayle]] at the writing of this article that is probably real stupid and no one will read anyway.
George Washington was just plain ignorant. He chopped down a cherry tree and became the first president of the United States. He accomplished this because he spread his man seed all over Mt. Vernon that ensured him enough votes to win. During the "Revolutionary War," he stood on the shores of the Atlantic Ocean and waved a stick at the armies of England. Some of the early people of the United States thought this was a great idea and thus was born the "Society of Stick Wavers," aka the Masons.
Albert Einstein's greatest contribution to society is the ability to hide within the confines of a roll-top desk and nap. Forget his "Theory of anything," this man shared make-up tips with the head of the FBI, J. Edgar Hoover. Plus he convinced the Dali Lama that the people of Tibet were eating yak balls along with OompaLoompas. Albert Eisnstien was a bad Jew, he made lampshades out of baby kitten fur and would eat uncooked pork chops.
I believe that the stupidest thing in history is people knowing too much about it. History is just that, things that happened in the past and are sure to never happen again. That is why they call it "THE PAST!" Why are people fascinated with history when all it does is push out other useful information out of your mind like the number to your drug dealer, or your PIN for your bank account to buy spinners for your car at 3 am?
History is full of stupidity. Like people building cities on the side of volcanos, other people dying of some disease because they were afraid of bathwater. And then you have idiots that believed in slavery. And then came Insane Clown Posse to remind us all to stop reading and turn to the internet and movies in order to forget all about history, unless it was stupid Mel Gibson movies like "Braveheart" and "The Patriot." Oh and did I mention that the one movie he made "The Passion" was totally ruined when he got drunk and made anti-semantic remarks about the jews.
Thank God for Your mom or else you would be stuck believing that Lee Harvey Oswald killed John F. Kennedy and blamed it on Madonna.
