Hippie
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
Hippies are stupid.
Hippies are usually young people who live closely together with other young people, espouse the virtues of peace, love, and karma, don't bath often, ignore conventional hair care standards, wear sandals, play acoustic guitars and flutes, make tie-dye shirts, swap sex partners, barely ever eat, do a lot of drugs, drink alcohol a lot, have 'visions', don't have jobs, and generally just hang around. We know what you're thinking: "Where can I sign up?"
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The origin of hippies
Vietnam
Americans in the 50's were pretty damn happy. This is because they had Elvis, hamburgers, and an unlimited supply of wholesome young women guaranteed to turn down the sexual advances of their boyfriends, causing a blue-ball epidemic like you wouldn't believe! A scant five years earlier, they'd been on the winning side of World War II, and were now enjoying prosperity which up until then had been unheard of in America. This contentment lasted until sometime before 1975, when some jackass politician in Washington, D.C. convinced a bunch of other asshat politicians that it would be beneficial to America to go fight another war. They further surmised that, since they as politicians were a bit old to go fight themselves, they would require America's young men to go instead, whether they wanted to or not. America's young people thought about this a minute and said emphatically, "Fuck you!". Nonetheless, the government prevailed, and soon the young people were caught up in
The draft
This is the term applied to what the government had to do to convince young people that fighting in Vietnam was honorable and morally acceptable. In short, they made them go. The politicians said, "Go fight, you fucking ingrate! We did against Germany, you pussy, now go get yours!" Some young Americans went. Many, actually. But a great many more said, emphatically, "Fuck you!" Young people all over this great nation began burning their draft notices, ceasing all efforts toward personal hygiene, and experimenting with mind-altering drugs, such as liberalism. As a display of their solidarity, they soon began to group together and have
Popular hippie activities
Happenings
LSD was gaining popularity among young folks due mainly to the fact that is was legal. Compound that with Dr. Timothy Leary telling everybody to "Turn on, tune in, and drop out", and you have a recipe for a bunch of limp 20-somethings strewn about the place like popcorn after a movie. The most famous of these 'happenings' was called "The Human Be-in" and took place in San Francisco sometime before 1975. Nothing happened during this event, and thus it was judged as a complete success. Their energies were then turned to finding even larger, more public displays of hippiness. They decided that they would hold
Music Festivals
Woodstock is the most famous of these music festivals. It was billed as three days of peace and music, and by most accounts lived up to this billing. A farm in upstate New York was chosen for the site and word went out, tickets were sold, and bands were booked. The biggest acts of the day were present, including Wavy Gravy, The Captain and Tennille, Walt, Jimi Hendrix, The Who, The What, The When, The Where, and (sometimes), The Why. For three days these hairy, stinky young folks listened to music, read poetry, fucked in the bushes, had visions, and generally just were. Not even torrential rain could dampen their spirit. (Excuse us while we take a moment to fully appreciate that clever turn of phrase...) The young folks, upon the beginning of the downpour began (HEY!!! We're still diggin' on the phrase, so hold the fuck up!).
...
Now?
(Yes, go ahead)
Okay. <ahem> Like we were saying, the young folks, upon the beginning of the downpour, began to chant in unison for the rain to subside. And it did! Meteorological inevitability aside, they saw this as proof of the power of a whole mess of funky folks wallowing in mud for a common cause. Woodstock eventually ended, as did the Vietnam war, so hippies soon suffered from
Disillusionment
With the end of the war, there wasn't shit else to protest. Most of the hippies broke down and went to work for 'the Man' rather than face a grueling demise from starvation. Others became John Denver and wrote songs about nature that truly sucked balls. Still others went to work for auto manufacturers, primarily AMC, and undisputed evidence of the danger of drugs was manifest in stupid car designs like the Pacer, the Matador, and the Gremlin.
Modern hippies
As America finds itself bogged down in another stupid war started by elite Washington politicians and fought with the blood of America's soldiers, hippies are making a comeback. It is doubtful they will ever return to their former glory, spoiled as we are by modern conveniences like the internet and Britney Spears.
