Green Lantern
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
Green Lantern is stupid.
The Green Lantern is a lameass superhero created by Marvel during the fifties, when liberal executives decided that the writers needed to make a "colored superhero".
Contents |
The Hero
Those dumbass executives didn't say which color! The racist comic book writer decided to make an Irish superhero, and colored him as green as the beer he drinks. This makes the green lantern look incredibly retarded, which is good because the green lantern is incredibly retarded.
Powers
The Green Lantern gets his powers from a ring, much like a housewife. The ring allows the Green Lantern to make any physical object he can imagine out of green energy. However, the only objects he makes are huge fists, umbrellas, and disks, because the Green Lantern has less imagination than a teenage retard. Seriously, why not make a large green nuclear missle? Or a gun or knife? Hell, a large green penis would scare enemies more than a goddamned umbrella. Fucking green lantern.
Weaknesses
Aside from being a dumbass with no imagination, the Green Lantern has his kryptonite: yellow. The Green Lantern is weak against anything yellow; bananas, traffic lights, asians, hell, you can put a drunk hobo in a large yellow raincoat and green lantern wouldn't stand a chance. Apparently the guys at Marvel thought the Green Lantern wasn't pathetic enough.
Enemies
Instead of getting an asian guy to stick his foot in Green Lantern's ass, they got a gay fashion-challenged criminal called The Yellow Peril. Aside from being gay, the Yellow Peril reminded everyone of Pearl Harbor, giving them a reason to hate him more than Green Lantern. Calling a villian the "Yellow Peril" in the fifties is like calling a villian the "Sandy Danger" today.
Racial Ambiguity
When the Justice League cartoon was remade, they decided that there were too many white superheroes. To promote racial diversity, the people at Cartoon Network decided to turn the Green Lantern into a black guy (think Michael Jackson, but backwards). They made Green Lantern black because they still don't want any non-whitey portraying Superman, Batman, or any of the heroes that people actually give a shit about.
More of these goddamned things?
The people who penned the Green Lantern obviously prefer quantity over quality. Much later in the Justice League cartoon, they reveal a bunch of other intelligent alien lifeforms that have their own green ring with the same powers as the Green Lantern we've all come to know and look down on. Also, I take back calling these aliens intelligent, since they all use their ring power to create fists, umbrellas, and plates, all of which would only be useful if they were going to have dinner at Rihanna's house and fist her afterwards.
