Government (Zork)
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
Government is stupid.
The term ‘government’ refers to a system by which a small group of corrupt assholes exercise authority over a large group of idiots. In this system, the governing body (assholes) extort money from the society they govern (idiots) for the purpose of generating paperwork, buying fancy office furniture, soliciting whores, and bickering over stupid bullshit on C-SPAN televsion. In return, they offer society the illusion of maintaining order.
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History
The origins of government can be traced back to the year 9750 B.C., when the mightiest warrior of the ancient Uggwuggian tribe declared himself the first emperor of the world. Since the world's population at the time consisted of fourteen people and a few lizards, this wasn't considered much of a milestone. It wasn't until a few years later in 9744 B.C. that shit really started happening.
Historical Events in Government:
- 1323 B.C.: King Tut becomes a mummy. No one knows who the daddy was.
- 1100: William II of England dies in a hunting accident. Surprisingly, Dick Cheney was not involved.
- 1793: Marie Antoinette has her head chopped off. The bitch deserved it.
- 1974: Richard "I'm Not A Crook" Nixon resigns from office due to the Watergate scandal. Apparently he was lying about not being a crook.
- 1994: Richard "I'm Not A Crook" Nixon dies, but his head lives on and later resumes the Presidency on Futurama
- 2000 - present: The end of civilization as we know it.
Types Of Government:
There is only one type of government; the type that takes your money and imposes restrictions on your life in return. Other types exist only in the delusions of mental patients and in school books.
Branches of Government:
===Legislative=== This branch decides what you can and can't do and you have no say in the matter.
===Judicial=== The purpose of this branch is to make the legislative branch its bitch whenever possible
===Executive=== The role of this branch is to start wars and to screw fat interns and then lie about it under oath. Some members of this branch are so drunk with power they actually believe that God talks to them. These same members have been known to choke on pretzels while falling off segways.
Government and the Military
The sickening bureaucracy which plagues the United States Government doesn't stop with its lying scumbag politicians and lazy-ass state employees; it extends into the military. Because the government is "responsible" (a term very loosely used) for supplying the military with its basic needs (i.e. food, guns, bombs, porn, and dildos) it must procure these items according to very strict (cumbersome) standards or specifications. These documented specifications are known as "Milspecs"
Milspecs
An example of a milspec is a 20 page recipie for chocolate chip cookies. If the government wanted to supply the army with chocolate chip cookies, any interested cookie vendor would have to make the cookies according to every last detail of the milspec. If a discrepancy was discovered, such as too many or too few chips per cookie, the entire order would be rejected and the vendor would have to make another batch. While this seems utterly fucking ridiculous, it is an actual fact. This portion of the article pretty much wrote itself.
Conclusion
Government sucks, but anarchy is potentially more dangerous.
