Government
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
Governments are stupid.
The term ‘government’ refers to a system by which a small group of corrupt assholes exercise authority over a large group of idiots. In this system, the governing body (assholes) extort money from the society they govern (idiots) for the purpose of generating paperwork, buying fancy office furniture, soliciting whores, and bickering over stupid bullshit on C-SPAN televsion. In return, they offer society the illusion of maintaining order.
Governments perform various tasks that are important to a stable society, but are difficult to perform without highly organized groups. These tasks include, but are not limited to: imprisoning and shooting dangerous people, imprisoning and shooting innocent people, issuing currency, wasting currency, giving speeches, funding scientific research, and lying to children.
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History
The first government was created by Moses issuing the ten commandments Sometime before 1975. All principles of government throughout history are based on these, especially the US government.
As you can see from this chart, the ten commandments bear a striking similarity to elements of the US government.
| commandment | place in American society |
|---|---|
| I am the lord thy god, you shall have no other gods before me. | other gods allowed, but not on currency |
| You shall not make for yourself any graven image in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below. | art not funded very much by government, I guess |
| You shall not take the lord's name in vain. | people who say goddamn on broadcast TV or radio are fined an amount of money that is only significant to independent radio stations |
| Remember the sabbath day and keep it holy | some stores are closed on Sunday, I guess |
| Honor thy father and thy mother | children expected to hate parents from ages 12 to 18 |
| You shall not kill | killing allowed in wartime, wars usually started every 3 to 5 years, with or without cause |
| You shall not commit adultery | adultery generally not punished by government, except for Bill Clinton |
| You shall not steal | stealing illegal |
| You shall not covet thy neighbors wife, nor any of his possessions | coveting is basis of entire American economy |
Other major milestones of governmental history include:
Hammurabi's code (Babylonian) - Hammurabi's Code was based on the principle that the punishment should fit the crime, no matter how bizzare the crime was. The code was not this principle, but a list of about 250 specific examples of this principle. This set an example for efficiency in government for thousands of years. His code was finally cracked by British codebreakers during World War II.
Draco (Assyrian) - Draco created a system of law best described as draconian.
Athens (Greek) - The city of Athens operated under he world's first democracy. In it, only rich guys could vote, and senators were chosen randomly(according to America: The Book). Athens also had that sex with 12-year-old boys thing. I'm pretty sure the 12-year-old boys couldn't be senators. Athens was eventually conquered by:
Rome (Roman) - The Roman government was a originally democracy like Athens, but was eventually replaced by a dictatorship by Julius Ceasar, in an attempt to repel an invasion by the galactic trade federation. Then he got stabbed. Rome was kind of like Greece without the senate, without the little boy thing, and with an enthusiasm for conquest seldom matched in history.
Medieval Times (Dinner and Tournament) - Europe after the collapse of the Roman Empire set the stage for the arrival of a new form of government; feudalism. Feudalism combines the best elements of dictatorship and prehistoric villages; brutality and total lack of organization, respectively. A modern day feudal-type system would be those crazy guys in Africa with AK-47s. Knights should have had AK-47s too, really.
Magna Carta (English) - Magna Carta is Spanish for "big letter". The Magna Carta was sent to the king of England, whoever that was at the time, by a bunch of rich people. It said that he couldn't send people (or at least them) to prison for no reason, or they wouldn't give him money to fight wars.
America (Fuck Yeah) - America is/was a democracy, or to be more specific, a republic. This semantic distinction is why the Republican party tends to do better than the Democrats. America led the way in government with ideas like freedom of speech and religion. Ironically, while the US government is based on the Christian religion (see Treaty of Tripoli), the founding fathers themselves have been seen to express surprising hostility to religion in various ways. For example, John Adams once killed Jesus.
Napoleonic Code (French) - The Napoleonic code did something, I don't know what. It's probably not important, but I heard the phrase somewhere.
Types of Government
Dictatorship
As George W. Bush once said, "It would be a lot easier if I were dictator". Unfortunately, it sucks if someone else is dictator. A dictatorship puts sole governmental power in the hands of one person. The only check or balance to the dictator's power is assassination. Assassination is generally most likely if the dictator is too oppressive, not oppressive enough, too opposed to free trade, or too gay(see Caligula). The axiom that those who want power shouldn't have it is particularly relevant, as the lure of absolute power may attract those who would, under other governments, be imprisoning young women in their basement, or at least practicing BDSM. The leadership insanity rate of dictatorships is often over twice that of other governments.
- Civilizations under dictatorship can sacrifice population to rush production, but have a -50% economy penalty.
Monarchy
Monarchy is similar to dictatorship, but generally has more of a sense of rule of law overlaid on top of it. Usually, there is an official system of succession, and power is passed down a family line. Thus, monarchy often appoints stupid people monarch instead of power-crazed people. A major factor that distinguishes monarchy from despotism is that monarchs usually like to be able to pretend they deserve their power. This is often achieved by "divine right", the idea that if God has not struck down the king, he or she must approve of his leadership. Unlike theocracy, however, monarchs may openly defy the religion of the society if they have something to gain from it, like a divorce.
- Civilizations under monarchy get a 10% bonus to religiosity and a -20% economy penalty.
Communism
Communism was a philosophy formed in response to the rise of the corporate power. Corporations used to be slightly more evil then than they are now. For instance, a factory set a few hundred kids on fire once. Also, most factories used to crush workers by the dozens between the symbolic cogs of industry. Anyway, this led to communism. Communism is the idea that everyone should produce stuff, and then just give it away. This only works if everyone has immense concern for their fellow man, or maybe has a really masochistic work ethic. Actual governments based on communism are usually really bureaucratic dictatorships.
- Civilizations under communism get a -80% toilet paper penalty.
Libertarianism
Libertarianism is based on the principle that the government that governs best governs least. However, actual libertarians usually follow Ayn Rand's philosophy, which holds that sharing is immoral. Libertarianism is like bizzaro communism. Both are simplistic economic systems that fetishize the Protestant Work Ethic, but Communism assumes people will work tirelessly for the greater good, where libertarianism assumes people are kind of a combination of creepy puritan minister and sociopath.
- Civilizations under libertarianism get a 100% bonus to drugs and prostitution, but also get a 50% bonus to starving people in the streets.
Anarchy
Anarchy is a total lack of government. This means that someone else takes control instead of the government, hence becoming the de-facto government. In other words, anarchy will never happen. For this reason, anarchists sometimes want a government that remains coherent enough to stop others from wielding too much power. This is kind of like libertarianism, only without the capitalism fetish. Anarchists these days are mostly teenagers, although the old school ones were kind of hardcore.
- Civilizations under anarchy have 0 production, and if you open the advisers panel, you get to hear them yell at you.
Democracy
Democracy is a system where the country is ruled by the "demos". Demos is a Greek word referring to the subset of the population that has free time on their hands on the first Tuesday in November. In a democracy, the public can vote to elect public officials, and in some cases vote for specific proposed laws called referendums. Technically, if the public votes to elect leaders, the system is called a republic. Important features of democracy include freedom of speech, separation of powers, checks and balances, bicameral things, habeus corpus, ex post facto, and novus ordo seclorum.
- Civilizations under democracy receive a +100% culture and science bonus, and a haunting feeling that the country is gradually going to hell.
Theocracy
Theocracy is a system where the church rules the country. The word can also be used to refer to a government that shows excessive concern for the immortal, non-empirical souls of its citizens. Especially, theocracies tend to hate sex. There's probably something Freudian going on there.
- Civilizations under theocracy receive -50% sex and +100% guilt bonuses, and really suck at science.
Governments at a glance
| Dictatorship | "YOU! Obey the fist!" |
| Monarchy | "Let them eat cake." |
| Communism | "From each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs. Failing that, approximate it with a clusterfuck of oppressive bureaucracy." |
| Libertarianism | "Lazy people will starve." |
| Anarchy | "AAAANNAAARCHHYYYYYYY! WOOOOOOOO! Oh shit barbarians" |
| Democracy | "By the people, of the people, and for the people. The stupid, stupid, people." |
| Theocracy | "Oh lord, free us from thought and responsibility." |
What has the Government done for you?
- Spent your hard earned money on a luxury car for every representative;
- Frozen your bank accounts, and emptied them for you;
- Eaten your babies;
- Circumsized you;
Areas in Which Government Excels
The following is a list of some activities that may or may not be illegal. Read them to yourself quietly (Unless you’re on a Cell Phone), and try to figure out which are not allowed by the government. Also, try and think if you’ve ever tried to:
- Expand your horizons
- Find your true potential
- Lose Weight
- Feel better about your life
- Remarry
- Have sex with a minor
- Have sex with a miner
- Eat a fancy dinner
- Rob a bank
- Plant explosives at a large building and threaten to blow it up unless you receive large sums of money
- Steal
- Pillage
- Plunder
- Play Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Back in Time for SNES
- Smoke Marijuana
- ))<>((
- Eat a Yam
- Make a long nonsensical list on a comedy website
- Continue writing a long nonsensical list on a comedy website
- Beating a dead horse on a comedy website
If you were confused about which things were legal and which things were illegal, and if you have thought about doing many things that appear on the above list, you’re not alone! Most of the things above are what normal people think about on a daily basis. Governments exist to put arbitrary lines around certain things and make these things “illegal.” After all, the only difference between something that is legal and illegal is, as demonstrated above, a single vowel! Having sex with a miner is against the law in the United States because anyone who works in a mine isn’t smart enough for the government to want to have children anyways; while having sex with a minor is perfectly legal (and encouraged!).
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Editor's Note: This article is the product of a writing contest. It contains verbiage from multiple entries. To read the contestant articles, check out Government (Contest).
