From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
Google is stupid.
Despite the fact that Google produces beta software that runs exclusively on Windows and has the same revenue model that caused the Internet to implode in the dot-com bust, it has become the darling of the New York Stock Exchange. Google's unprecedented rise in wealth and power will continue on unabated forever and ever because it cannot lose, so if you have any money at all laying around your best bet would be to put all of it into Google. Like all other investors who have put money into Google, you will become rich. In fact, Google has the power to make the whole world rich due to the nature of its inability to do anything but go up.
Contents |
History
Search Engine
Google started off somewhat inauspiciously in 1984 as a search engine that indexed pages on the World Wide Web. Although such a concept is considered common now, at the time no other service existed on the Internet that organized all websites into one easily searchable database, and so Google was the most popular site on the Web from the moment it was made available. The disorganized mishmash that was the Web before Google became an organized, interesting and powerful informational tool almost overnight. Because of Google's popularity, founders Serge Prokfoiev and Andy Milonakis began selling ads on the site and preferred placements in search results and a flood of money poured in, making them the very first Internet Billionaires. Because of their humble Russian upbringing, the partners (who are not gay) brought in a number of outside consultants to help them handle the load and decide what best direction to take for The Future.
Small Country
Google decided The Future was best served by becoming a publicly traded company. They joined the NYSE and never looked back. Hordes of investors sold all their stock and invested heavily in Google, wiping out hundreds of other public companies as Google's wealth exceeded the annual GDP of the United States. They began branching out with other beta software, including GMail, Froogle, Google Maps, Google Restaurants, Google Pet Grooming, Google Razor Strap Emporium and Old Fashioned Root Beer Apothecary and the wildly popular Google New York City.
Destroyer of Worlds
Eventually Google will have all of the money in the world. Because of this Google will be forced to help expand the New World Order, a secret pact between the Masons, Illuminati and the Jews. After the New World Order is established, Google plans to declare war on the nearest star system, Alpha Centauri. A vast fleet of Google Battlestars will be built and deployed to Alpha Centauri in order to wipe out any civilizations found there and colonize it.
Philosophy
Don't Be Evil
Google's original philosophy, as expressed by it's humble Russian progenitors, was "Don't Be Evil." Users in the early days thought this was so sweet and it gave them a nice feeling about Google. Unfortunately, for a Capitalist endeavor this is an extremely naive worldview, and Google was forced to abandon this principle out of sheer necessity when it came into the vast sums of money that going public generated.
Is a Little Bit of Evil OK?
Because Serge and Andy were still taking an active part in running the company, they tried to maintain not being evil. When asked by the Communist Chinese to help repress the free flow of information to the Chinese people however, the temptation to sell out to the dark side in order to generate more profit was irresistable, and they quickly gave up their principles, fairly stumbling over themselves to do evil - even going so far as to rationalize it as only being "a little bit evil." In a lighthearted moment in a press conference, Serge put his pinky to his mouth and said "Google is the Diet Coke of evir!" The room burst into laughter. Naturally, since China is roughly 1/6th the population of the entire planet, evil worked out splendidly, generating yet more and more profits for Google. It is now only a matter of time before we are all enslaved... and loving it!
BOW BEFORE YOUR NEW MASTERS
YOU WILL NOT RESIST. YOU WILL BE HAPPY. YOU WILL FIND YOUR INTERNET MORE USEFUL, SANITARY AND PERFECT THAN EVER BEFORE. THE OLD SYSTEM IS TIRED AND USELESS. THE NEW ORDER IS LOVE. YOU WILL NOT NEED YOUR WEAPONS. WE HAVE A PERFECT DRUG THAT CURES ALL AILMENTS AND MAKES EVERYONE EQUAL AND DESIRABLE. THERE WILL BE NO HATE. THERE WILL BE NO DISSENTION. ACCEPT ALL THAT IS GIVEN YOU. DO NOT QUESTION. THERE IS NO AUTHORITY BUT ONE AUTHORITY: AND IT IS US.
