Gnome (garden)

From Encyclopedia Of Stupid

Garden Gnomes are stupid.

Gnome gardening was invented sometime before 1975 and has since become a great family past time. Oh wait, no it hasn't. Some people believe that they are small people and once roamed the earth, these people are stupid and usually 50 year old women.

Garden Gnomes, Why?

Some of you may be wondering why the christ people actually put garden gnomes in their yards. The simple answer is that people confuse them with Elves and think they will secretly take care of their gardens for them because they are lazy assholes.

This is the wrong speculation. Gnomes are not elves, and people are stupid.

Some people also find garden gnomes cute, they are not. They are ugly, and simply make you look like a fucking crazy person.

The Truth behind Garden Gnomes

At first glance, it may appear that all they do is nothing but frighten away small children and/or encourage vandalism.

The truth is, they are troops sent from Jupiter to invade Earth. When they arrived they quickly realized that they would never be able to do it, because they looked so god damned ridiculous. They opted to become all cryogenic-ally frozen, and shoved into sarcophaguses that resembled them. Until they could unleash their wrath upon us after World War III, which would happen in The Future. After being buried in the arctic wasteland for many years they were discovered by scientist Greg Lewis by accident while he was out of town cheating on his wife with his cousin. He quickly sold the ancient sarcophaguses as a novel idea that they will save your gardens from beasts of all shapes and sizes.

So you can do everyone a favor and destroy every garden gnome you see, even your mother's. She might not talk to you for a while, but she'll soon realize you were right all along when they become unfrozen and kill us all.