Genocide
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
Genocide is stupid
A genocide is like a giant gang war between two races, cultures, or ethnicities. They fight over turf and kill each other with drive-by napalmings. If it is a fight between two religions then this is ok because then everybody else wins. But even after one side has won, if they keep killing them in order to eliminate them from the face of the Earth, that is a genocide. You can't genocide bugs no matter how many of them you kill.
Contents |
Famous Genocides
Nazis vs. Jews et al
The Nazi party was in control of Germany sometime before 1975. They decided that the Jews had some nice stuff, and they wanted it. They offered all the Jews really cheap rent to move to crappy apartments, where they refused to come fix stuff. They were pretty much the worst landlords ever. After a while the Jews wouldn’t stop complaining so the Nazis decided to kill them all instead. They killed about 6 million Jews and didn't stop until Russia won WWII.
Hotel Rwanda
There was an African country called Rwanda where some black people wanted to kill some other black people because they spoke different Ebonics. So a whole bunch of them hid in a hotel until they could run away. But some other people didn't have hotels to hide in and they got machetied. Nobody really knows who won or lost the genocide in Rwanda so it's marked as a tie in the official genocide scorebook.
Japan vs. China
In world war 1.5, before America got involved, the Japanese killed a whole bunch of Chinese. Attempts to stop it were made worse by the fact that nobody could tell the two apart, so all captured Japanese people just claimed to be Chinese, and it sounded logical so they were let go.
Americans vs. Indians
Before Americans came to America, the land was occupied by the Indians, or if you're a progressive historian, "Native-Americans." After Americans bought the land that was named after them with beads, the Indians decided they wanted it back. This is where the word Indian Giving comes from. When the Americans refused because they already had a lot of nice cabins built, the Indians tried to kill them all by slicing their hair off of their head in a move called scalping. This wasn't very effective, as lots of them still lived, but were just angry and bald. Today there are only a few Indians left and they makes lots of money with casinos and selling fake arrowheads.
Spanish vs. Mexicans
The Mexicans did what the Indians did, except the Spanish had built Missions instead of cabins, and the Mexicans accepted Jesus into their hearts for the land instead of beads. However, the Spanish weren't that dedicated to their new homes, and the Mexicans drove them away. However, the Spanish did succeed in genociding off a lot of ancient Mexican cultures.
Ways to genocide
Gas Showers
Since most races don’t like to be genocided you have to trick them into it. Germany had the idea to offer the Jews a nice long hot shower after their forced train ride. Sometimes they even gave them soap. Which is really rather pointless because they could have just told them they'd get the soap in the shower. Anyway, when they got in there, instead of water, poisonous gas leaked out and killed all the Jews, who were more than slightly embarrassed at being tricked yet again by the Nazis.
Be Black
If you're black and want to genocide other blacks, you pretty much have a free ticket, as the world has a long history of not doing anything to stop you. If you're black and you try to genocide a race such as the Whites or the Canadians, somebody may try and stop you.
Destroy the American Pacific Fleet
If you want to genocide a race but you're afraid you'll get in trouble, destroy the most powerful nation's military capabilities. This will leave you free to do what you want for a few months. Sometimes this can have an unexpected consequence of getting one of your cities nuked.
Guns and Knives
If you can't afford an airforce or are too shy to go blackface, then you can always use the fall back method of just stabbing or shooting your intended victims. This takes a long time, but if you get a few of your friends to help you, the time will fly by. Rwanda had the highest death rate of any genocide party, and they mostly just used machetes. Let that one simmer for a while.
Ways to Keep Your Race Safe
Be White
This is the opposite of being black. Everybody gets pissy if you're white and there is a war on. Look at WWII. If Germany had tried to kill Muslims or Australians, nobody would have cared enough to start a huge war.
Duct Tape and Plastic Sheeting
When some radical Islamists wanted to kill Americans, their government suggested that they go out and buy duct tape and plastic sheeting to make their house air tight. This was never needed, and actually resulted in a few deaths due to suffocation, but it is still a perfectly valid form of defense.
Hotels
As mentioned previously, hotels are great places to hide from people who want to kill you, no matter what Alfred Hitchcock's "Psycho" would have you believe.
Magnets
Bullets and knives can't hit you if you're surrounded by a powerful magnetic shield. This is because they are mostly made out of metal. If you're in prison this isn't safe because most shivs are made out of non-magnetic materials such as sporks or a toothbrush.
